From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Jews?

“Ju neau, the Jews don't know Juneau like ju neau Juneau.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Juneau

Juneau is the defunct capital of the Anarcho-Syndalist Narco-State of Alaska, previously the capital of the Amazingly Wonderful Wolf-Murdering Moose-Eating Empire of Alaska. It is know for having roads, bears, and a bridge to somewhere, as well as having been the residence of glaciers and the spawn of Satan known as Sarah Palin.


Ju neau, in the beginning, there was wilderness. Then came the French, who, realizing that their language was utterly incomprehensible to ignorant Americans, decided that they should bestow a French place-name on a place in Alaska in order to perpetually aggravate its inhabitants.

Thus was born Juneau JOO-no.

Since that historic occasion, millions have striven in vain to spell and/or comprehend the enigma that is the name Juneau. The idea that three vowels create the same sound as "o" confounded so many that the fledging town of Juneau became an elite settlement which only residents able to understand French phonetics could inhabit.


The Ted Stevens Sandwich Bar

Ju neau, despite the setbacks inherent in its name, Juneau rose to become the seat of the Empire of Alaska under the reign of Indomitable Lord High-Emperor Ted Stevens. This came about when Lord Stevens (may he reign forever) noticed how much Juneau bitch-slapped Sitka in just about everything. He proceed to move the capital there, as well as the world-famous Ted Stevens Sandwich Bar.

Soon the Juneau Teenage Corrections Facility was established, the largest establishment of teenage correction in the Empire. It was from the corrections facility that the Bong Hits 4 Jesus would rise.


In those days, ju neau, Juneau was seen as a pretty peaceful place. The magnanimous hands of Emperor Stevens and his cronies Frank and Don kept the people happy, giving them sandwiches, bridges, and healthy helpings of crude. No one expected that a large and powerful cult of pot-smoking teenagers would rise to threaten the city and the Empire itself. But the Bong Hits did come - and they were 4 Jesus.