Izzy Stradlin
“Wasn't he the tall one in S Club?”
“No I Fucking Wasnt!!”
“No, he is not me with a bandana and a solo career that isn't very commercial”
“Who?”
Izzwald Stradinho (born April 8, 1734), commonly known as the gypsy kazoo artist with a penis the size of Uganda, is the love child and creator of Knives N' Daffodils singer Axl Rose. He is also universally famous for being featured in various 'Where's Waldo?' books, on account of the fact that no one knows where he is.
Early Life Huffs[edit | edit source]
Izzwald was born back in 1734. When conceived, his mother and milkman experienced a sensual bond and bought a Fleetwood Mac album. Izzy's dad wasn't too pleased. In his best Texan accent, he did this.
Izzy picked up the Bulgarian Nose Flute at the age of 3, and by the age of 2, he could solo like fuck. Eat your heart out Slash. Bitch. Slash didn't really care, so Izzy cummed on his leg. It's true, read Slash's book.
In 1980, Izzy basically sold-out and moved to LA. This is where he met the rest of his future band, Bon Jovi. In the summer of 69, they released their 'Best Of' compilation, which went straight to #Your Mum in 93784920 different countries.
GOOn5 & RaWSeZ[edit | edit source]
After leaving Jon Bovi, Izzy proceeded to play with many bands and artists in the LA underground scene. Many criticized this decision. Bastards. Soon, Duff Man and Slosh coincedently happened to walk into a club where Izzy was playing, and both were thoroughly revolted in what they saw. So much so that Izzy's appearance had the effect that 160 crates of beer do, where Slosh went on to slur 'So ya wanna join my band?'. Izzy jumped at the opportunity. Due to the low ceiling, he hit his head. This inspired the album title 'Appetite for Oh FUCK my head bloody canes!!' From this moment on, Izzy was in Guns N' Roses. Fuck, how did that happen?!
In 1988, GN'R released the EP 'Guns N Roses-Porky Pies'. The album featured an alternate version of previously-released song 'You’re Crazy', which Izzy wrote for Britney Spears after her very pubic meltdown in 2008. Yes that’s right, Izzy could see into the future. He knew Chinese Democracy would take Axl 14 years to complete. He knew that there would be 14 years of silence, 14 years of pain, 14 years that are gone forever and we’ll never have again. So he wrote Welcome to the Jungle. What?
1991 saw the release of the double album 'Use your contraceptives or YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!'. These were Izzy's last albums with GNR, before leaving being told to 'Stick your kazoo up your arse and smoke it'. Izzy took some time off to fund such projects as Band Aid III 'Feed The Scousers', Global Warming, introducing the congestion charge, making love not parking tickets, the red bull box car challenge, the annual swedish cheese roll, gurning, and smashing 99 green bottles hanging on the wall.
Izzy however did comment on GNR's follow up album, of punk covers, saying 'you just cannot have fries without ketchup. Its like having two balls and no dick.'
Velvet Bazooka[edit | edit source]
After Slosh and Duff left Guns N' Roses, They offered Izzy to join Velvet Bazooka, but Izzy cummed on Slosh's leg then he got fired.
Izzy Stradlin & The Goo Goo Dolls[edit | edit source]
Izzy left GNR to pursue a career in accounting, and met his fellow Goo Goo Dolls companions, Wayne Rooney, Rory Bremner, Clive Anderson, Mr Rossi and Jefferson Airplane.
They released their debut album, Now Thats What I Call Music 30 in late 2009, which was a complete and utter failure, selling 3 copies, but due to the recession, it went to Number 1 across the world. Izzy lol’d.
The band toured in '93, playing loads of different countries. At one unnamed show, the band encountered Axl Rose. He tried to antagonise the band and intimidate them, before Izzy sharply pointed out 'Dude your plane just took off without you.' Axl was sad, and is the subject of the song 'Somebody Cockin' referring to Axl 'cocking up'. Have that.
The band finished the tour on a high note. It was an F#. Very high.
On the coach back to each members home, a mass food fight ensued when Izzy said to Jimmy 'My dad will beat your dad'. Jimmy retorted (speaking of his gay dad) 'My dad will shag your dad, and you dad's gonna enjoy it!'. The coach driver told them to STFUizzle BiatcH! And thats when the pies started flying. Eventually they realised noone was driving, when the coach crashed into a nearby Best Buy, destroying all 3000 unsold copies of Chinese Democracy in stock.
The Group split several months after, citing many reasons, including; Gareth Gates' music career, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzesnigglewigglerumdiddlyumpsiousnesslyrompsrobblinglyadenedvargenshargenganshnegger, Sudo Creme, Tom & Jerry, Torvil & Dean, and Anne Widecombs left arsecheek. After this incident, Arnold changed his name to Arnold SchwarzeNigger and became an African American. He was still accused of racism. How stupid.
Solo[edit | edit source]
Izzy has since had some albums. Some good. Some bad. Some ugly. One was first. One was last. One was my everything. One featured a lion. One had a witch. Dont be stupid, wardrobes DO NOT MAKE MUSIC!!!
Izzy gained a strong fanbase over this period, some dating back to his GNR days. It was in 2006, that Izzy met one fan. He killed him in his home in Oklahoma, and continues to kill unsuspecting hillbillies today, as a cure for his boredom of having no life. However, he found that killing hillbillies was as stupid as listening to Axl and Slash "negotiate" in the bedroom, so he moved on to killing Jedi and Medji soldiers, because nobody cares about them anymore. He feels their pain.
Rolling Stone magazine rated his most recent effort 'Concrete' 1 star out of 5, going on to say 'He's at least better than Vanilla Ice'.
See also[edit | edit source]
