Infindibulator
An Infindibulator, or a Super-Conductive Magnetic Infindibulator is a one of the 4 super-powerful machines in the universe (along with the Vending machine vending machine, Cyborg Jesus and Cheese.)
History[edit | edit source]
It is unknown who invented the infindibulator, although some inventors have been speculated upon, among them are Your mom, you, everyone who knows you and everyone who doesn't.
What is known, though, is that the prototype for the infindibulator was an agricultural machine. Despite it being one of the most powerful machines ever, only one known reference to it is documented throughout history. Appearing in an agricultural shopping magazine, a laboratory mouse with great cognitive abilities, only known by the code name "Brain", tried to use it to take over the world. To win the money for it, he needed to win Jeopardy. However, even help from his tough, smart and sexy sidekick, Pinky, he failed.
Commercial Quandries[edit | edit source]
As of now, the infindibulator still costs 99,000$. So if you wish to have your very own, personal, general purpose mobile infindibulator, all you need is to win Jeopardy!. Batteries not included, call charges apply, please consult the manual, 10 months warranty, cash only, Your mom is a ho, product may be returned within 14 days if package haven't been damaged, call now and receive a free bonus - a luxury, deluxe, exclusive, and some more adjectives with the letter X iPod attachment to your infindibulator! This is a one-time offer! Don't miss it - call now!
Specs[edit | edit source]
The infindibulator, when powered, increases the magnetic force of the earth, by depleting hydrogen, thus promoting gravitational collapse, thus rendering everyone with small change in their pockets grounded, giving us enough time to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!
I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. Pinky, hand me over that pencil.
Anyway, the core of the infindibulator works on a principle based on the Universal Wang Theorem, and scientific work is now in progress to make it useful also to people who are not trying to take over the world. There are several approaches as to why in the first place would one want to enhance the magnetic force of the earth. The first, of course, is the original one, taken into action by "Brain". A second approach states that using an infindibulator, thus magnetizing the earth, would attract more stars near it, so that the aliens in the rest of the solar system will have better access to earth, thus improving tourism. A third approach states that if the earth is to be magnetized, it will stop spinning, and America will have light forever, and the Arabs will have darkness forever, the way god intended things to be, until he was interrupted by some Arab loving left wing asshole.
User Manual[edit | edit source]
In order to operate the infindibulater, you need to assemble it first. You can do this by taking the following steps:
1. Insert pin A to loop 1b.
2. Assemble the rest of the infindibulator.
Note that the infindibulator needs 4200V AC to operate. Batteries not included.
Now you have an infindibulator. All you need is to operate it. To operate the infindibulator just press the "ON" button at the front panel. The screen will turn white. Now press "new infindibulation" by using the touch screen. The new infindibulation menu will pop up. Now, the best way to infindibulate the earth is "full infindibulation" (second on the menu). But alas, unless you have really good batteries, this will fail prematurely. If you have regular batteries, choose "optimal infindibulation". This will scan for any known viruses, and alert when one is found.
It is possible to use the other features of the infindibulator.
To magnetize a simple metallic object: Just rub a magnet against it.
To reach a full orgasm: You have to inflate your rubber doll first.
To deplete hydrogen without promoting gravitational collapse: Why in the world would you want to do that?