HowTo:Write the Letter U
There comes a time in everybody's life where the challenge of writing a U must be faced. It is a little known fact that many people avoid undertaking this task for fear of retaliation from sniggering colleagues when the U forms imperfectly. To avoid this, it is important to practice away from prying eyes, in the dark and definitely under cover. We are here to guide you through this treacherous and frightening process. Don't worry, the author has completely formed a U once in his life. He read how to do it at wikiHow!
- Before you do anything rash, remember to work out your fingers; most people don't understand that without proper strength you will put too much strain on your heart, and cause a heart attack. Then you will go to Heaven.
- Buy some paper. It must be the thick stuff kids use in art class. There is a dire possibility that your pencil will make a hole in thinner paper and that might mark the 17th century desk upon which you are clearly practicing in the hall cupboard under the stairs in the dark with Hedwig. (Did somebody say Hedwig is dead? Nah, what a falsehood.)
- Purchase (note the variant on the active verb from step one here, author knows his stuff, ought to be sent to wikiHow) a pencil. Unfortunately, the type of pencil to choose can be extremely confronting but never mind, here's some useful help: Choose the Best Pencil for You. Seriously, I couldn't be bothered writing that for you but isn't it wonderful how somebody else has?
- Check to see if you have hands. If you do, check for fingers. If you have those, check that they bend. If they do, see if they are capable of what any chimpanzee can do - pick up a pencil.
- Grasp that pencil as if your life depended on it.
- Put the tip of the pencil downwards. That's right, be daring and make contact with the paper.
- Resist the urge to scribble. That is precisely what has got you into this pickle in the first place and is highly suggestive that you have your mind on other matters.
- Make a downward stroke followed by an upside down C which quickly attaches in a flourish of a movement to a stick figure that is missing its arms and legs and head and any individualistic characteristics that might have been drawn on that head to make it look more realistic.
- Some people love the platitude "practice makes perfect". So here it is for you. Practice makes perfect. Practice saying that 100 times and you should remember it perfectly.
- Turn the light on and leave the hall cupboard under the stairs. Check out your U in daylight.
- Get on the computer and never use this skill again
- Kids, if you see your parents doing this, pack your bags and seek a good fostering.
- No responsibility accepted for U's that look like ducks.
Things You'll Need
- Life jacket
- A Hall Cupboard Under the Stairs
- Reincarnation of Hedwig (please see HowTo:Reconstitute a Dead Owl)
- A Bloody Pencil, You Twit!
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