HowTo:Survive in a Horror Movie

It's a dark night, or possibly sunset, or whatever. You're on a road trip with your friends in northern Sweden, looking for your missing brother or daughter or the tenant who hasn't yet paid their dues, and you have just ended up in a small, mysterious urban town. The night is setting in and everything is covered in the thickest fog you've ever experienced in your life. But amidst the clearly artificially produced fog you get occasional glimpses of huge sets of video cameras and lights, and so the gravity of the situation hits you; you're part of the production of a new blockbuster horror movie and, chances are, you will want to know How To Survive in a Horror movie.

How to prevent the "Horror Movie" in the first place

100% boned.

When you're out with your friends you must closely monitor them. Listen carefully to their conversations. If one of them starts saying something like: "Hey, did you hear about what happened in this area with the murder and all?" or "There was one a little girl that lived here and..." then your best option is to knock them out with a frying pan and bury them alive at the nearest Indian burial ground. Every horror movie starts out with some background information from someone right before something freaky happens. Without it, the plot cannot continue! If a car happens to be your only transportation, bring a toolbox, four spare tires, a spare engine and a tank of gas because chances are your car will break down and you and your buddies will be stranded. If there's no room for that then kick one of your friends out. Not the black one though, he'll come in handy later.

Establish the Characters

Knowing who's who will help determine who will last the longest. Your greatest shot at surviving is to be the main character. You don't need to be strong or brave, in fact, people who have those characteristics are more likely to die due to a phenomenon known as "Irony". Here's a list of qualities that will definitely get you killed:

• Jocks: The audience hates those people because they're jealous so the killer satisfies them by taking them down first.
• Blondes: No one takes you seriously, not even the man with the axe.
• Blacks: Ever hear of a BLACK main character in horror movies? Exactly. Although you will get in an awesome fight with the killer and appear to be winning until you discover there was a knife your chest the whole time! Females will humorously bitch at the killer before he decides to "give da hoe, da hand".
• Nerds: Who needs them?
• Drinkers and potheads: You will die but you probably won't feel any pain. You won't even recognize the killer as, well, a killer.
• Chicks that show their tits: It's nice, it's enjoyable and its gotta go. They'll most likely die while still being topless which would still give you a MASSIVE erection.
• People that get laid: Unless you're the main character.

Now that you know what NOT to have, here are some qualities a main character should have:

• Good looking: You HAVE to look pleasing to look at. Not in a way that would make people think you're a slut or player. Sorry ugly people, you're gonna die.
• Well Mannered: The killer seems to hate people without common courtesy. Next time he starts knocking on the door, try opening it for him. Before entering his lair, make sure you wiped your shoes on his "Welcome" mat. Wash your hands after trying to stop the flow of blood coming out of the cut in your belly.
• Be looking for a relative or friend gone missing in the area: If you're searching for someone that the killer killed, then congrats! You are definitely a main character as you will uncover the fate of your relative (preferably a sibling) and exact revenge.
• have a romance: to have a defined or undefined romance helps a lot, it is your second life, one of you will die trying to save the other or distractedly while caring one each other.
• do not hide/stay/wait together, stay far away from hiding frightened people.

Now that you know the key is being the main character, reveal as much about yourself randomly while the killer still hasn't appeared. Say something like: "This beautiful abandoned lake reminds of my sister..." or "You know, once my dad took me out to...". Your friends may thing you're acting odd but little do they know that they've just become as disposable as a baby. If you realize you are not the main character then it's imperative that you find out who is and be in a relationship with them. If it's a guy, too bad, get gay. Having a gay couple in the movie might actually turn into a comedy movie because no one takes gays seriously!

Knowing Your Killer

The difficulty of living depends on what your dealing with here. If it's your typical unknown killer then you've got an average chance of living. In the event that the killer's identity will eventually be revealed to be your best friend then you'll definitely live by killing him. However, if it's some supernatural force from, I don't know, Japan or something, then you are royally f***ed. The things you'll see will drive you BAT FUCK INSANE.

Arming Yourself

NEVER pick up a gun. It sounds nice and all but once again, "Irony" will kick you in the nuts. Instead, pick up a half decayed block of wood from the pile right next to the machete.