HowTo:Snitch on a shooter
Have you recently heard about a shooting, individual or mass, and feel the need to snitch on them? Are you that fervent of a lover of the current American health care system? Well this article is for you!
We all have those times when we just want to see justice, as corrupt as it may be, drop a nuke on that one person we either hate or simp for. In here, we'll discuss the various ways that you
Are you sure they're a shooter?[edit | edit source]
If the suspect you think is a shooter is currently exhibiting any two or more points of the UR-AN-ASSHOLE criteria, then you can proceed to step two!
The UR-AN-ASSHOLE criteria composes of the following points:
- U = unloading and then immediately reloading a firearm in your presence
- R = Racist or anti-Racist (and therefore WOKE) T shirt covering their probably sexy abs
- A = Albanian or Italian-looking eyebrows
- N = Nazi-hating antifas
- A = Ate a ton of Chicken McNuggets
- S = Sheds greasy black (or brown) hair
- S = Speaks like that dead Disney Channel star Cameron Boyce but a little bit more socialist
- H = Holy Shit do you have a crush on him?
- O = Oral sex worthy
- L = You yourself are a fucking loser
- E = ef your guts says you should report him
Step two:[edit | edit source]
Work at McDonalds! They pay all of their employees a fair hourly wage! (hold up let me get ChatGPT to generate a shit ton of hiring stuff in order to maybe convince you to sell your soul to a diabetes-inflicting megacorporation run by a clown and his purple service aide - i seriously can't come up with a reason why you should work at fucking MCDONALDS)
why ChatGPT thinks you should work at McDonalds
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1. Flexible Hours (Because Who Doesn’t Love Random Shifts?) Need a job with absolutely no consistency? McDonald's has got you covered! Flexible hours mean you can work a few hours here, a few hours there, and never know when your next paycheck is coming. But hey, at least you won’t be bored with a predictable schedule! 2. No Experience? No Problem! You don’t need any special skills to flip burgers or mop floors. McDonald's prides itself on offering world-class training to help you learn how to handle the finest deep fryer technology and the art of taking orders from people who don’t know what they want. Talk about life skills! 3. Career Advancement (Because Who Doesn’t Want to Manage the Fryer?) You’ll start off as a humble crew member, but don’t worry! With enough dedication and patience, you could be promoted to the prestigious position of shift manager. Sure, you'll probably be managing chaos, but hey, you’ll have a title! 4. Teamwork & Communication Skills (Like You Needed More of Those) Where else can you practice your communication skills by yelling across the kitchen to a person who has no idea what you're talking about? And let’s not forget the fine art of teamwork – nothing like getting the order wrong together! 5. Employee Benefits (So You Can Get Discounted Fries) Sure, you might get some “benefits” like health insurance or paid time off – but let’s be real, the best perk is the discount on fries and McNuggets. Who wouldn’t want to be rewarded with a 10% off coupon after slaving away in the fryer grease all day? 6. Networking Opportunities (Because You’ll Be Surrounded by Such Interesting People) Where else can you network with your future coworkers who may or may not be wearing a name tag, while perfecting the art of looking busy? It’s a great opportunity to really get to know your fellow high school dropouts and aspiring YouTubers. Connections, baby! 7. Fast-Paced Environment & Skill Building (Who Needs Calm and Chill Jobs?) If you're looking for a job where you can’t possibly think or breathe for more than 30 seconds at a time, McDonald’s is the perfect choice. You’ll be trained in the fine art of multitasking, like taking orders, making fries, and pretending you don’t see your manager’s “suggestive” looks to work faster. 8. Global Experience (Because Flipping Burgers is Universal) McDonald’s has restaurants all over the world, which means you can learn how to make the same chicken nuggets in any language! Sure, you’ll get the global experience of working with a brand that everyone knows – but mostly, you’ll get to live out your dreams of perfecting the art of a Big Mac in any time zone. 9. Sense of Community & Pride (Who Doesn’t Love the Smell of Grease in the Morning?) Get ready to bond with your coworkers over shared experiences of dealing with the customer who definitely wants extra pickles but can’t figure out how to say it. The sense of pride that comes from serving millions of people in a greasy, high-pressure environment is truly unparalleled. 10. Learning Opportunities (Because You Definitely Need to Know More About Ice Cream Machines) You’re not just learning how to take an order – you’ll also dive deep into the mysteries of the McFlurry machine that always seems to be broken. Want to know what it takes to keep the burger patty flipping and the ice cream dispensing? Look no further. You’re basically going to become a tech expert in fast food machinery. 11. Stable Employment (Because People Will Always Want Fries) McDonald’s is never going out of business, so if you're looking for a job that’s always hiring, this is it. Sure, you might end up working with people who really need a second job to get by, but at least you’ll never have to worry about job stability. The fries must flow! So, if you're looking for a job with zero stress, lots of personal growth, and all the fries you can handle, McDonald's is the place for you. Why not? |
Step three: THE SNITCHENING[edit | edit source]
Are you behind the cash register at a McDonalds and you see someone who fulfills the UR-AN-ASSHOLE criteria? Then go ahead and call all of these phone numbers and tell them the corresponding thing as listed here:
- Your ex-girlfriend (if you even have one): Hey bb i found you a new husband ;)
- 555-867-5309: hey bb my ex girlfriend is here wanna come shoot her up?
- 112: HELLO PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA SECURITY FORCES I FOUND AN AMERICAN SPY
- 911: THERE'S A NUCLEAR ATTACK HAPPENING AT THIS MCDONALDS RIGHT HERE (give the address)
- JPMorgan Chase Bank: THIS IS A ROBBERY YOU CAN COME FIND ME AT (state your mcdonalds)
- KGB Security Bureau in Russia: I NEED EXTRACTION RIGHT NOW
- Your mother: hi mom can you zelle me $20 for a burger?
- The shooter himself: hey wanna make out in the freezer? i have a sex mattress ready 4 u
Step four: loathe in the chaos[edit | edit source]
Watch as not only the shooter gets arrested or killed in the firefight but you also get all the world's superpowers to converge on one McDonalds and nuke each other to oblivion.
but hey you can still sell diabetes and get United Healthcare a ton of more customers and denial rates ;)