HowTo:Snitch on a shooter
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Have you recently heard about a shooting, individual or mass, and feel the need to snitch on them? Are you that fervent of a lover of the current American health care system? Well this article is for you!
We all have those times when we just want to see justice, as corrupt as it may be, drop a nuke on that one person we either hate or simp for. In here, we'll discuss the various ways that you can ensure that either the new Marxist Justin Bieber or the Basilisk of Anti-Corporate Evil will get caught after he murders a totally-innocent Healthcare CEO!
Are you sure they're a shooter?[edit | edit source]
If the suspect you think is a shooter is currently exhibiting any two or more points of the UR-AN-ASSHOLE criteria, then you can proceed to step two!
The UR-AN-ASSHOLE criteria composes of the following points:
- U = unloading and then immediately reloading a firearm in your presence
- R = Racist or anti-Racist (and therefore WOKE) T shirt covering their probably sexy abs
- A = Albanian or Italian-looking eyebrows
- N = Nazi-hating antifas
- A = Ate a ton of Chicken McNuggets
- S = Sheds greasy black (or brown) hair
- S = Speaks like that dead Disney Channel star Cameron Boyce but a little bit more socialist
- H = Holy Shit do you have a crush on him?
- O = Oral sex worthy
- L = You yourself are a fucking loser
- E = ef your guts says you should report him
Step two:[edit | edit source]
Work at McDonalds! They pay all of their employees a fair hourly wage! (hold up let me get ChatGPT to generate a shit ton of hiring stuff in order to maybe convince you to sell your soul to a diabetes-inflicting megacorporation run by a clown and his purple service aide - i seriously can't come up with a reason why you should work at fucking MCDONALDS)
why ChatGPT thinks you should work at McDonalds
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| Redacted because ChatGPT don't give a shit |
Step three: THE SNITCHENING[edit | edit source]
Are you behind the cash register at a McDonalds and you see someone who fulfills the UR-AN-ASSHOLE criteria? Then go ahead and call all of these phone numbers and tell them the corresponding thing as listed here:
- Your ex-girlfriend (if you even have one): Hey bb i found you a new husband ;)
- 555-867-5309: hey bb my ex girlfriend is here wanna come shoot her up?
- 112: HELLO PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA SECURITY FORCES I FOUND AN AMERICAN SPY
- 911: THERE'S A NUCLEAR ATTACK HAPPENING AT THIS MCDONALDS RIGHT HERE (give the address)
- JPMorgan Chase Bank: THIS IS A ROBBERY YOU CAN COME FIND ME AT (state your mcdonalds)
- KGB Security Bureau in Russia: I NEED EXTRACTION RIGHT NOW
- Your mother: hi mom can you zelle me $20 for a burger?
- The shooter himself: hey wanna make out in the freezer? i have a sex mattress ready 4 u
- Your daddy: daddy i got arrested for speeding! can you bail me out?
- The local alcohol store: Hi can I place an order for a molotov cocktail? I'll make you one myself if you don't fix me up.
Step four: loathe in the chaos[edit | edit source]
Watch as not only the shooter gets arrested or killed in the firefight but you also get all the world's superpowers to converge on one McDonalds and nuke each other to oblivion.
but hey you can still sell diabetes and get United Healthcare a ton of more customers and denial rates ;)