HowTo:Not die

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How to not die[edit]

Ok, well, if you're looking at this, you're probably going through a high stress situation, so let's get this over with. You're probably gonna die. Might wanna check this for an easier way out that whatever is going on. But maybe you just wanna learn how to no die, in which case I say, "Why the fuck do you need me to teach you how not to die? That's the dumbest shit ever." But here's the basic rundown, starting from birth up until actual timely demises.

BIRTH[edit]

1-1 - Don't be born into a family with high risks of birth defects. That lowers your odds dramatically.

1-2 - Don't have your umbilical cord tied around your neck while being born in the 1900's. You know what, actually just don't be born in the 1900's at all.

1-3 - Don't somehow fall.

CHILDHOOD[edit]

2-1 - Always wear helmet when riding anything. Bikes, scooters, cars, ANYTHING.

2-2 - Never drive the cars while your parents are asleep. Especially if you live close to cliffs.

1-4 - Don't be born to a family that lives close to cliffs. Forgot to add that one.

2-3 - Go to school so you can learn more things about how to not die. If you're reading this you're either too young for some of this website's jokes or never went to school. Or both.

1-5 - Don't be born into an anti-vax family if you decide to live in the 2010's.

2-4 - Get medical help for any scrapes or bruises.

2-5 - Don't be fat.

TEENS[edit]

3-1 - Don't drink, smoke, do coke, drink Coke, do dope, be dope, have a job, be a slob, or have mood swings.

3-2 - No driving without a license, for the same reason you shouldn't drive cars as a child - you could die.

3-3 - Don't jump off the school roof, no matter how much you want to after your Science class.

3-4 - Don't repeat the same grade over and over.

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3-5 - Don't repeat the same grade over and over.

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3-6 - Don't repeat the same grade over and over.

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3-7 - Don't die.

3-8 - Don't repeat the same grade over and over.

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3-9 - Don't drink anything at parties. It's probably not been spiked yet. Either that, or just do it yourself.

3-0 - Oh, look at what you've done. Now our counter's broken. Maybe you should stop reading this and get it over with.

3-A - Don't tutor people after-school. It will drive you crazy.

3-B - Don't play Berzerk… I guess? Even in 3019 we still don't know shit about how Timmy died.

3-C - uhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm out of ideas

3-D - Don't use 3-D goggles outside of 3-D movies.

3-E - Don't get out of ideas.

ADULTHOOD[edit]

4-1 - Dude, you're on your own by now. If you don't know how to not die, just stop.

ENDING OF THE THING[edit]

Well, that's it. If you haven't died from stupidity reading this or you haven't bled out, you made it to the end of the page. Maybe it's time to give up and just go away for a while.

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