HowTo:Lie to a Select Committee
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If you mean even the slightest jot to this world, there will no doubt come a time when you are called into a Select Committee, and are under significant pressure from colleagues and superiors to perhaps bend the truth. If you are a little faint of heart and feel it is wrong to go against your oaths, or maybe have the quite reasonable fear of being called up on the discrepancies with your story at a later date, I can tell you that you will ultimately come to your senses, listen to your heart and do what is morally right: ensure your children go on that skiing holiday.
All you require is a bit of that sexy suavity that got you here in the first place to set all the ladies swooning and all the men, who are probably homosexual, swooning also, and accompanied by a wad of cash at the ready for bribes and a good lawyer, the process should take place as if without effort.
1st Rule: Do Not Lie to a Select Committee
It may seem a perverse focus of the law in this day and age, but it is in fact illegal to lie to a Select Committee (look it up), and a moral, law-abiding corporate representative such as yourself wouldn't want to go down in the books as committing perjury. So how come everyone lies at such functions? I hear you ask. Fortunately, the folks at the Select Committee, some of whom didn't even attend Oxford, are total dumb fucks who can be sold any remnant of an explanation as justification to not give a direct answer to their questions. It may seem an apparent arrow in your side that Select Committees are televised, but fortunately not one of its five regular viewers has the gall to point out the multiple errors you will most likely make. But rather than lying, it is currently very much en vogue to observe the dumb fuck nature of your estimable interrogators and follow suit, or as it is known in the business:
2nd Rule: Be a dumb fuck
There are existing social disorders that affect their sufferer's ability to pick up on the events surrounding him; for this exercise you possess clinically serious variants of all of these put together. Here is a model example of the execution of this technique:
|“||Dumb Fuck QC: Describe your level of involvement at the newspaper during the phone hacking scandal.
You: What "phone hacking scandal" (said sarcastically)?
Dumb Fuck QC: The phone hacking that we have evidence to prove occurred during your tenure at the paper 2009-2011.
You: What a brilliant idea; I must raise it at our next staff meeting! I am correct in assuming such practices are legal... ?
Unfortunately, rather than the hapless attempt to clarify the situation as presented above, an inquirer may catch on to your game as shown below:
|“||Dumb Fuck QC: You do realise that I am the son of the Honourable Lord Dumb Fuck the Elder, Earl of Dumbfuquarthton, and that while I may be inbred I maintain the ability to perceive it when someone is being a dumb fuck with me, correct?||”|
3rd Rule: Try not to talk too much shit
This rule may also sound somewhat perverse as you may question why you were summoned to a Select Committee if not spout utter gibberish, so I admit that while you are allowed to say some ridiculous things, however just as a cat has nine lives, you will only get away with about 250 ludicrous statements before you are royally fucked on the news, which people actually do watch.
4th Rule: Don't worry!
If this is your first time
lying bending the truth to a Select Committee, it's natural to feel a wee bit nervous about it: I can tell you as a fact I had many a butterfly in my stomach my first time! But once you get started you'll quickly get into the rhythm of it and start to have fun!
Good luck! ;)
Please be aware that all of the above does not have anything to do with legal procedures in the United Kingdom, and that any resemblance to them is purely coincidental. en.uncyclopedia.co is not responsible for anything that occurs as a result of this article in any court of law.