This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“Here's your haircut, hippie!”
“Let's go kill some hippies!”
What You Need
- guns, when hunting hippies for fun
- guns with tranquilizer darts, when hunting hippies for profit
- high-powered water cannons, for flushing hippies out of their dens and de-lousing them later.
- laser-guided missiles, for when you're just too lazy to sneak up on the hippies and blow them away one by one.
- beer.....not really a weapon, but it makes hippie hunting more fun
- Heavy metal rock (not Stoner Metal; Black Sabbath, or Led Zeppelin)
- DAMN BARE HANDS, when hunting for a meal.
- free vegetarian food
- free tofu
- snacks, for when the hippies get the "munchies"
- taped hippie calls, including "free pot", "free food", "free money", "free Tibet", and "free Mumia"
- Drums (used for drum circles, 3 raps on the drum and you will have these hippies right were you want them, stoned in a circle)
- Anything with the words 'Save the _______ (insert word here)'
- A big, flashy sign pointing to a 'major music fest'. It'll attract hippies by the millions, guaranteed, since music festivals are the only opportunities for hippies to score with each other in massive stoned orgies.
- Glitter. Hippies love to be trapped in "glitter prison", especially while tripping or at said music festivals
Plan of Attack
- Before hippie hunting, you must first de-scent yourself. Any traces of soap, perfume/colonge, aftershave must be washed off and covered over with smelly hippie oils, grime, or dirt. Alternatively, if you don't want to stoop to their level(and happen to have a lot of money), wear a radiation-protective suit, then smear your protected body in said foul excretions. Hippies can smell a clean person from a mile away, and will flee at the presence of your fresh, out-of-the-shower lack of stench.
- Once ready, find a proper place to hunt for hippies.
- Light marijuana as bait. The scent will lure hippies into the area, thinking there's free weed to be had. Be careful not to inhale the fumes yourself, or you may become a hippie.
- If you can find a CD with any of the songs of Woodstock, play them as the Hippies draw near. Make sure to put protective gear (earplugs) before playing the songs though, or else you may die or worse, be converted. They will all immediately freeze in place and start either singing, smoking weed, reproducing, or just sitting there humming. That's when you fire. It is highly discouraged to use anything not from that time period as bait, for it is the equivalent of infecting them with rabies.
Rules & Regulations For Hippie Hunting
- To avoid annoying the neighbours, refrain from hunting hippies between the hours of sun-up and sundown. To hunt hippies between these times can be impolite, and will be considered poaching.
- Baiting hippies is allowed, but dressing up a friend like a hippie and getting him/her to lead other hippies to a kill zone is discouraged, as other hippie hunters may mistaken the decoys for hippies, and thus real people may be hurt or killed.
- Hippies may be flushed from their dens by the use of the following animals: dogs, police, and IRS agents.
- Hippies may not be flushed from their dens using tear gas, pepper spray, or other airborne chemicals while hunting, though it is still quite fun. Water is only sanctioned in a few states, and cleans them. Meaning you have angry hippies.
- if you have chosen DAMN BARE HANDS, just kill `em all. Due to lack of personal hygiene, protective gloves and face mask are reccommended.
Hippie Hunting For Fun
- Have fun, be safe. (Use condoms)
Hippie hair is a commodity traded on the open market, and hippie hair can be sold for as much as ten pence per ton at your average wig-makers.
Whether you sedated & restrain your hippie, or just kill them, the hair must be washed and dried first. Trying to wash hippie hair after it's been shaved off leads to more hair going down the drain and clogging it up. Use a beard trimmer, a pair of scissors, or a machete to remove the hippie hair, though a beard trimmer is recommended as it's quicker. Also hippie scalps are now coming into fashion. It isn't considered cruel to scalp hippies while they are still alive, as they will be stoned out of their wits and won't feel a thing.
- Note: make sure to wear proper biohazard gear when shaving the dirtiest areas of the hippie; the groin and the armpits. Even a thorough washing of these areas may not scrub away all contaminants. Please set hair from these areas in separate bags, as wig-makers must irradiate this hair before using it.
Price Tag Per hippie
- -single druggy hippi (600$)
- -Drug selling/growing hippi scum (1,000$)
- -Hippi community member (800$)
- -Hippi community leader (5,000$)
- -College Know-it-all hippi (10,000$)
- -Jimi Hendrix: Priceless.