HowTo:Hold a Baby

You don't want to drop this guy. Isn't he so cute? - John, our editor, killed six babies not listening to my advice

Holding a baby, also known as babyholding, child clasping, or chicka-chicka boom boom, is a process in which somebody (male, female, overused joke) holds a baby. Now, you might be thinking "O How-To Gods, why must I know such an easy thing?", the thing is that babies die from being dropped all the time! About 100 babies die from being dropped every single day. (Coincidentally, 99% of those come from California)

Step 1: Finding a baby

This is the first and, depending on where you live the hardest. You might steal adopt some child, or even do it yourself! Wherever you find them is really not our problem. One of the hottest new ways to get a baby is to just use a cloning machine, I mean, Dolly the Sheep wasn't for nothing, was it? ..Don't answer that question.

What if the police catches me?

Not to worry, my fine feathered friend (not to be confused with fine, feathered and dead) If the police ever catches you, you can really either refer to any of our other HowTos or just use common sense and well, *gunshot gunshot gunshot*, if you know what I mean.

What if she wants an abortion?

Well if, wait, what the hell did you just say? Oh, you've been caught in a complicated marriage after what I said earlier (refer to the D.I.Y. suggestion)

What if she wants to take the baby, AND the kids?

Well, *gunshot gunshot gunshot*, if you know what I mean.

Step 2: Finding your hands

Finding your hands is a very easy part. HAHA LOOK AT THE DISABLED PERSON WHO CAN'T FIND HIS

Step 3: Slowly approach the baby with your hands

Slowly approach the baby. Remember, he can grow up and might kick you in the nuts if you do this step wrong (and that's the tame option...)

If anything sinister happens, like the baby starts to lose his smile, run immediately, that is NOT a baby, it's a hidden camera. LITTLE BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING YOU

If the baby is still smiling, you're safe (at least for n- yeah you're safe) If the baby is still smiling after that cheap joke, you have finally reached the final step.

Step 4: Pick up a baby

Finally, this is your final step. You've come so far and.. Well, i'm proud of you. Now pick that baby up!

*Picks up baby*

YES!

*Drops baby*

YOU IDIOT! *gunshot gunshot gunshot*

In conclusion

Well, the police are coming here soon, so, I think I'd just like to say my last words. A C A B! *puts gun in mouth* *gunshot*

See also

• Infant
• UnBooks:Fishing For Children
• HowTo:Raise a Child
• HowTo:Deliver a Baby, A Concise and Easy-to-follow Guide Developed, Tested, and Approved by the AMA (No, Not that AMA. The Other One) and Reprinted with the Permission of the JAMA (Also a Different One)