HowTo:Hang, Draw and Quarter Yourself
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“I tried it once, and haven't killed myself in any other way since!”
Have you ever caught yourself in an act of treason? Want to dish out the proper punishment, but don't know how? Now you can with the help of Uncyclopedia's guide on How to Hang, Draw and Quarter Yourself.
Steps
- Attach yourself to a hurdle (wooden frame) at the place of execution.
- Hang yourself by the neck for a short time or until almost dead. (hanged)
- Disembowel and emasculate yourself, and burn your genitalia and entrails before your eyes (drawn)
- Behead yourself and divide your body into four parts. (quartered)
- (Optionally) impale your head on a pointy stick (see figure below).
Picture from a medieval instruction manual on DIY hanging, drawing and quartering. On the left, several men are busily attaching themselves to hurdles; in the centre, a considerable crowd are jostling for a turn at the gallows, whilst the gentleman at the front (having successfully removed and burnt his entrails) is demontrating the rather tricky skill of quartering himself; on the right, several previous contestants have successfully impaled their heads on pointy sticks.
Tips
- Ensure that you don't die while hanging yourself. If your neck snaps at this point, you won't be able to quarter yourself.
- When quartering yourself, be sure to stay alive until the last cut. You wouldn't want to leave the job half-finished!
- You could ask a good friend for help if you can't carry this out yourself.
- For added publicity, display the five parts of your body around the city, town, or village you were executed in.
Warnings
- You may possibly inflict serious damage upon yourself.
- Do not attempt this unless you have committed a serious crime against yourself. False accusation could be fatal.
Things You'll Need
- A hurdle
- A rope (to hang yourself with)
- A sharp knife
- A fire
- A good friend