HowTo:Hang, Draw and Quarter Yourself
“I tried it once, and haven't killed myself in any other way since!”
Have you ever caught yourself in an act of treason? Want to dish out the proper punishment, but don't know how? Now you can with the help of Uncyclopedia's guide on How to Hang, Draw and Quarter Yourself.
- Attach yourself to a hurdle (wooden frame) at the place of execution.
- Hang yourself by the neck for a short time or until almost dead. (hanged)
- Disembowel and emasculate yourself, and burn your genitalia and entrails before your eyes (drawn)
- Behead yourself and divide your body into four parts. (quartered)
- (Optionally) impale your head on a pointy stick (see figure below).
- Ensure that you don't die while hanging yourself. If your neck snaps at this point, you won't be able to quarter yourself.
- When quartering yourself, be sure to stay alive until the last cut. You wouldn't want to leave the job half-finished!
- You could ask a good friend for help if you can't carry this out yourself.
- For added publicity, display the five parts of your body around the city, town, or village you were executed in.
- You may possibly inflict serious damage upon yourself.
- Do not attempt this unless you have committed a serious crime against yourself. False accusation could be fatal.
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