HowTo:Fend Off Wild Animals

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Sick and tired of having to run away every time a bobcat crosses your path? Have poor skills in self-protection when encountering wild animals? Hospital fees stacking up? It sounds like you need to learn how to fend off wild animals.[1]

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Supplies[edit]

Fending off wild animals is a chore, and like all chores, this one usually ends up with you having a backache and being sweaty. That T-shirt and shorts won't do much to help you out if you encounter a pack of ravenous gophers right? You should have the following:

Clothes[edit]

  • Jacket
  • Jeans (blue, preferably grass stained, and none of that faded crap)
  • Hat with a spinny thing on top
  • Steel toe boots (no laces)
  • Belt
  • Gloves with the fingertips cut-off
  • Long socks
  • Clip-on tie.

Tools[edit]

  • Sticks
  • Stones
  • Bones
  • Rubber Dodgeball
  • Oranges
  • Laser pointer
  • Bells
  • Whistles
  • Dog whistle
  • Wolf whistle
  • Vacuum cleaner tube
  • Hammer
  • Chainsaw
  • Anti-material Rifle
  • Super Soaker
  • Mag-Lite
  • Mirror
  • Hickory-smoked ham
  • Sunflower seeds
  • Mousetraps (the sticky gluey kinds)
  • baby dolls
  • Straight Razor
  • Electric Razor


Once you have the following materials, put them on in alphabetical order and be sure to never wash them unless it's vitally important. Be sure to clip away the tags on all of them, they are really annoying.

Buckle the fuck up, buddy. You're gonna learn how to defend yourself against wild animals if it kills you, or better yet, them.

Encountering a wild animal with a partner[edit]

Alright Bucko, if you encounter a wild animal, the first thing you NEVER do is point it out to someone nearby. They will scream "AGH! Jesus Christ it's a Lion!" like a ninnie and will surely provoke the beast into attacking. You should always wait for your partner to notice it so they can point it out to you quietly (don't scream either, you already know its there). If the animal doesn't notice you, then you sure as hell don't need to start "fending it off". Nobody "fends off" a snoozing lion, so make sure you or your partner don't try it.[2]

Basics[edit]

In the situation that a beast is in front of you, here's the part where you need to start fending and fending fast. There is now a wild animal directly in front of you, and if you don't do something soon you and your friend will be dinner! Don't worry, there are numerous ways of handling this situation, here are some of the more basic ones:

Make yourself bigger[edit]

Stow it Beavis, you're not Apache Chief, and this is serious. This is one of the most basic steps to getting rid of a wild animal. If you're wearing your jacket, unzip it and hold the two ends of them up as high as possible while uncertainly telling that riled cougar to shoo. It will most often work, since cougars and similar animals are stupid and have no sense of proportion. If pulling up your jacket wasn't enough, try making loud noises, or try yelling in Hebrew. Strike fear into that animal's puny brain.

Grab a stick[edit]

It looks like you did the thing with the jacket, but the wild animal is unfazed. Hell, it just looks confused. Grabbing a stick is the next best thing to warding the beast off. (TIP:Even better, find a tree branch with what looks like a discolored football attached to it and smack it over the animals head)Bang your stick on stuff, be sure to swish it in the air and try to scare the wild animal into fleeing. If the animal is playful, try making it fetch the stick. See the stick? See the stick? Stick? Stick?! Stick Stupid! FETCH the stick-ah, no wonder you're endangered.

Throw stones[edit]

Wild animals hate that, they will groan and get pretty annoyed. Be sure to aim for the noggin, if you hit that, the animal is certain to run away. Wouldn't you run away if someone was barraging your skull with rocks? I thought so.

Don't use your penis[edit]

Don't use your penis to fight off a bear, he may take it away from you.

Other Methods[edit]

If you don't like doing those things, then just carry a shotgun with you, preferably a sawn-off one, so no one will harass you about carrying around a gun. If an animal comes your way, don't do anything. Wait until it's about to bite you and its face is close to you. Then fire. You know the rest.

Animals[edit]

Of course, these tactics don't apply to every animal equally. Waving a dead tree branch won't cut it when you're fending off a hyena, it'll just go into hysterics at your efforts before lunging for your neck and ripping your throat out. Be sure to follow the guidelines for unique animals. Here are some of the animals that may require special care when fending off:

Dingos[edit]

Be sure to have a baby doll, preferably one that makes noise. If the dingo does not chase a well-thrown stick, it will certainly chase a well-thrown baby doll. If it is possible, throw the doll down a hole. The Dingo will chase after them, and will be instantly shot to death by the Wombats. Wombats kill shit that get in their holes.

Jehovah's Witnesses[edit]

Very deadly, however they can be avoided on Thursdays between 9-12 A.M. They travel in packs of 2, one to spread the word and the other to add reinforcement. They will knock on your door till someone answers. They WILL NOT LEAVE IF THEY DETECT FORMS OF LIFE ARE IN THE HOUSE. A good way to get rid of them is to don a goat mask and a bathrobe, grab a kitchen knife, then walk to the door and say, "Hail Satan! May I help you?"

Laotian Rock Rats[edit]

These are deadly animals when they have no idea where they buried their last meal, and if they think you stepped near where they suppose it was buried, it'll snap. Take off your jacket and drape it over a tree branch, then, when the rock rat forgets what it was doing, sweep the ground like you're swinging a golf club very fast. The rock rat will grab hold of it and let go at the peak of your arc. They always do this. Run before they return to their meal.

Wombats[edit]

People don't often realize how badass wombats are. It is always bigger than you think, not as fat as you think, and far more muscle-y than you think. A wombat will try to break your legs and bite you with its absolutely foul, disgusting, gross dirty teeth in the very short time it has between being in the hole and being over there behind you and your broken dirty legs. So, you will need to jump whenever you are anywhere near a hole in the ground. The wombat will run out and be over there behind you and your perfectly normal legs, giving you time to run. You can outrun a wombat, especially since your partner that didn't jump near the whole is providing a handy dandy barrier, a distraction, and a meal.

Bulls[edit]

Take off your jacket, and use your knife to cut a line in your upper arm. Now clean the wound with your jackets sleeve and put it back on. Now wave it in front of something hard and preferably metallic, such as an anvil or a car door. The bull should run at your sleeve and if you pull your arm away too slowly, the bull will slam into it and give you a really nasty bruise. So be sure to jerk your arm away quickly. The best way to avoid a bull is with a good pare of moon shoes.

Crow[edit]

Crows are nasty little peckers, but their nuisance is worse than their caw. Instead of using your arm, sleeve, or jacket. Pick up a shovel and hit the damned crows. If you're confused as to why this method of fending off murders of crows is so effective, it's because unlike movie actors, you're not afraid of picking up a damned shovel.

Egg[edit]

Egg are quite the formidable foe due to you not knowing what could hatch. It could be anything from a cute, baby chick to a facehugger from Alien. Be sure to pack a teaspoon and salt when in their territory. These two items shall surely make you very safe, and safety is key. Do not let them see you, rather, if they see you, do not let them flee. Eggs are often cowardly, however if they are left to flee, Eggs will surely summon Beardsmen. DO NOT let this happen - teaspoons and salt are no match for Beardsmen. Be sure to aim your teaspoon at the bottom point of Egg for best defense, strike with power, then throw salt at soft innards. Be sure to enjoy killing the egg, as it will make you feel better.

Jumping Jehoshaphat[edit]

These are nasty little buggers, although much easier to deal with than jumping jacks. Pick up a machete, put on a coonskin hat and whack it with a cliche'. It'll go away.

Jumbo Shrimp[edit]

Point out to the angry crustacean that it is an oxymoron. It will get offended and leave.

Oxen[edit]

An enraged oxen is a lot less dangerous than an enraged bull. Most normal oxen will when upset, smell worse than usual. Abnormal oxen when upset will run to the nearest body of water and jump into it. Handle without usual precaution, and put clothespins on your nose to prevent vomiting.

Jo-Jojo Big Chief[edit]

Jo-Jojo Big Chief is a wicked redskin. To fight Jo-Jojo Big Chief, you must first get your hands on a protective wand. Go to Underbridge and find Simon, he will sell you a wand for 3 centy. When you have the wand, you must then visit Meg, she has the eggs[3]. When you have eggs AND the wand, you must then get a feather from Vance. He is at the Inn and will give you Feather if you listen to his tale. After you have the Feather, Egg and Wand you can then meet Chief. Chief is in Wind Tower to the south of village. To enter wind tower, you must give egg to the Oxen, who will devour Egg and allow you to pass. Meet Chief in the kitchen. Cook the Feather on a Stove with pan, oil, and clove(Both found in Location 7 after meeting Faun). He will become enraged at the scent. Use your wand to protect your self, then punch him in the head. Head A Splode!

Pandas[edit]

Pandas are still one of the most dangerous creature to come into contact with. A famous story goes..." A young Vietnamese boy named Hieu Loung was walking home from school one day when he decided to take a shortcut through the forest. He became lost in the jungle soon after entering, as he walked on he came across an innocent panda eating bamboo. He calmly approached the panda and asked for directions. The panda saw that Hieu was lost and felt his sorrow, the panda smiled and mauled Hieu to death." The only known way to fend off panda attacks is to use an expensive can opener[4] or a gun.

Gorillas[edit]

Do not blink.

Although portrayed as violent, a wild gorilla will not try to rip you to shreds at first sight. Instead it will challenge you to a staring contest. If you lose, it will then rip you to shreds for being such a pushover. If you win, the gorilla will stare in utter disbelief as it rips you to shreds. These bastards mean business. Gorillas CAN communicate with American Sign Language, however, so if you quick-sign them some pleas for mercy and begs for forgiveness, there's a slight chance it'll leave you alone.

Bears[edit]

Wild bears are far more dangerous than regular circus bears, and not as cuddly or skilled in unicycling. By all means, if you ever find yourself in the situation with you and a bear, it's probably your fault for interrupting it while it was foraging, or it's cub foraging. Anyway, do not "play dead" like they do in comedy movies. Bears will not sniff you and walk away because you dropped to the floor and curled up in fear, they will maul you. Be smarter than that and run like hell, but do not run in a straight line. Try zig-zagging, parkour-ing off trees, and doing barrel rolls to throw the bear off. It works, I saw Jeff Corwin do it.

By the way, some bears can run up to 40 mph. I hope you did track in high school.

Banjo-Kazooie[edit]

Banjo-Kazooie is a tricky animal to deal with. Banjo-Kazooie is a horrible amalgamation of a bear (Banjo) wearing a backpack with a bird (Kazooie) placed inside, however the backpack is not real, and both of them are fused together. Banjo has all the qualities of a normal bear, but with Kazooie in its backpack, possesses the abilities of flight and egg shooting. Once you see Banjo-Kazooie approaching, many peoples first instinct is to stand in awe at the sight. However this instinct can prove to be fatal, and a safer response would be to whip out your cock and immediately start the ejaculation process. Kazooie will become incredibly horny, and Banjo will become scared and leave.

Sharks[edit]

You're limited in movements when in water with sharks, so it's advised to try to not go in the water. A shark is a very delicate fish head on, and they shy away from contact that could endanger them. One of the best close quarters methods of fending off the shark is to punch it right square in the shnozzola. Sharks universally live their whole lives without experiencing this blow to the nose, and you shouldn't have to experience a shark bite. If you have great aim, then when the shark is murderously close to you, shove your thumb into its eye socket. This will certainly break the sharks contact lens and buy you some time while the shark goes and gets another one. Good luck, chum.

Cockroaches[edit]

Eeew, roaches. Oh no, how do I ever manage to get rid of these icky bugs?!?

Get a flashlight, if you're feeling confident, get some Raid. [5]

Yoko Ono[edit]

The not-quite-fearsome-but-certainly-annoying Yoko Ono should be avoided at all costs. Though her habitat covers all of England, Wales, Scotland and Belgium, you're usually safe if no one around you is pretentious.

Fending off a wild Yoko Ono can be done by any of the following:

  • Singing on key
  • Quoting Shakespeare
  • Keeping your clothes on

Pigeons[edit]

Pigeons are bothersome, numerous and shitty. If wild pigeons are hungry and desperate, they may attack or strike with the alpha male of that pigeon flock. The tactic is very successful and quite deadly. Rocks are wayward and a shovel won't last you long enough to clear the flock of pigeons. Have a small child with you at all most times, since the small child is the natural enemy of the pigeon and is constantly on the lookout for them.

Grues[edit]

Now actually, you won't have to worry about these, because if you saw one you're already dead and can't do anything about it.

Mecha-Hitler[edit]

Mecha-Hitler is a menacing robotic Adolf Hitler with four rotating chainsaw miniguns. Now, if you encounter a Mecha-Hitler in the wild, whatever you do, do not talk about money or Kosher food, because he will promptly exterminate you. If possible, salute him with your right arm in the air. This reduces your chances of him turning you into a schnitzel by about 26%.

Bono[edit]

Wild Bonos are only found in Ireland. They will attempt to sing poorly-written music to you in an effort for you to help starving, AIDS-ridden Africans. Fend off Bonos by burning Irish flags, listening to death metal, or not being in Ireland.

Killer Whales[edit]

Killer Whales are native animals of Sea World, and are incredibly dangerous. They have the mental functions of about a toddler, except instead of a toddler's tantrum being only loud and really annoying (Chance of Death 0.03%), Killer Whales have a bite force of approximately 200,000 PSI, can swim up to 90 MPH, and (since they're a mammal) can leave the water to maul your ass for poking them in a head with a stick. (Chance of Death 99.3%) Fending off Killer Whales usually doesn't have to occur though, as you could just simply not go to Sea World. If you do happen to be in a situation where there is a Killer Whale that is pissed at you? May God have mercy on your soul, and save me a seat at your funeral.

In closing[edit]

Well now, you're definitely going to die ready to fend off that pesky and dangerous wildlife out there. All these steps have been proven to be real-life effective and are some of the methods even used by professional hunters, trackers, farmers, crocodile hunters and exterminators

Have you ever met anybody who's died from this? We haven't! So it must work.

  1. Note: This guide uses the notion that you are with someone when encountering a wild animal. If you are alone when the animals catch you, God help you.
  2. Rather, nobody "fends them off" and lives to tell the tale.
  3. Be sure to follow the same precautions of defending yourself against eggs when Meg gives them to you.
  4. See "37 Days in Panda Hell," Chapter 6, Line 8, by Benito Amirez
  5. If you're genocidal, hire a tent to cover your house while you fog the place.