HowTo:Be Antarctican

What Antarcticans look like

Hello there, and welcome to one's guide on how to be Antarctican! The Antarcticans are an amazing, peaceful people, living a simple life of pooking after their families and fishing. It's a lot like living in Iceland, but to the extreme.

Anywho, let's begin!

Moving to Antarctica

This step is vital if one wishes to be an Antarctican. Unlike other countries, the Antarctican government is surprisingly laid back. They won't mind if you move there without a passport. In fact, the Antarctican people don't even have passports.

First off, one must not back any of their belongings. Antarcticans usually don't have any belongings. They just waddle about looking for food. If you wish to be a true Antarctican, then one must wear nothing......except a tuxedo. One must wear this tuxedo at all times, even whilst sleeping and swimming. This is a vital part of Antarctican culture.

When you first move to Antarctica, do not let the cold climate discourage you! Living as an Antartican will pay off. You know, despite the entire continent being the coldest place in the world, and being covered by at least six inches of snow or ice in any given place. Oh, and I forgot to mention earlier: Remove your shoes. Real Antarcticans don't have shoes.

Once you have done this, do your best to find a flock of Antarcticans. Antarcticans are a wandering people - an extreme wandering people. They don't even have tents. Once you have found a flock of Antarcticans, try to get as close to them as possible, leaving yourself as little personal space as possible. This is how Antarcticans keep warm. By nearly suffocating each other.

Learn how to get food

Antarctican cuisine is one of the most simple and peaceful cuisines in the world. Their diet is almost completely made up of fish. What? It isn't that odd. Look at Japan. Antarctica is just like that. All Antarcticans eat fish. However, due to the lack of supermarkets, and buildings in general, Antarcticans have to get fish themselves. Thus, they go fishing!

But don't "sit on the edge of a pond with a stick" when I say "fishing". Oh no. That's not the Antarctican way. Antarctican people lie on their stomachs, use their feet to charge at the water and dive in gracefully. You must therefore do the same. Note that scooting around on your stomach on frozen matter is a vital skill for an Antarctican. Once in the water, make sure the shock of the abysmally low temperature hasn't already killed you. If not, than surely you are a true Antarctican!

After this, you must look for fish. Make sure you keep with the other Antarcticans. The way to swim like an Antarctican is flap your arms as if you're flying and simply keep your legs straight. This is the way they swim in Antarctica!

Once you have found fish you must swim after it. Quickly! If you don't swim quickly, the fish will get away. Once you have caught up with said fish, you must catch it...in your mouth Once you have caught the slippery booger, kill the SOB so that it doesn't get away!

Most Antarcticans kill their fish simply by biting down on them. Once you have done this, start swimming your way back to land. Whilst you are swimming, eat your fish there and then.

Well done! You have mastered the peaceful art of Antarctican fishing.

Once back on land, look around for a young Antarctican child. Once you have found one, promptly throw up your fish into the child's mouth. What? You didn't think that fish was for you, did you now? This is how Antarcticans carry food. Did you expect them to use sacks, or something? I believe you have culture shock.

Once you have done this, do it all again, and again. In fact, keep doing it until you die. For that is the peaceful life of an Antarctican. Enjoy!