Hipster/Updated
...who the hell wrote that article on Hipsters?
Well someone needs to tell them that it's not October 2012 anymore. Time marches on and they've fallen, like, super far behind on everything.
What?[edit | edit source]
Yep, whoever wrote that Hipster article is a total poseur. He's such a poseur, he tries to look extra Americanized by spelling "poseur" without the necessary "u."
And that isn't even a poor excuse at humour, because clearly he also knows nothing of the sort.
Keffiyehs[edit | edit source]
Dude, no one even wears Keffiyehs anymore. Their irony ended once people realized they actually looked decent wearing them. Plus, people are so over not caring about Palestine; it's all about not caring about Syria now.
Plus, it's not like Palestine's even a real country.
Brooklyn[edit | edit source]
Okay, so yeah Brooklyn still sucks, but he doesn't even mention how great the Bronx is getting? They just opened two new UNIQLOs in The Hub.
Stores with names that Americans can't pronounce are the new Urban Outfitters are the new American Apparels are the new Yellow Rat Bastards. By which I mean they're probably just going to get old and boring in another two weeks, anyway.
Music[edit | edit source]
Need music that sounds like it came from a Phonograph cylinder? Ew, your brother got hit by a truck? I can't think of a more lower middle class way to die. Might as well just serve Dole bananas at the wake and bury him in an oak coffin.
Chillwave[edit | edit source]
Chillwave is so irrelevant already that even my 13 year old neighbor wanted to borrow my Washed Out LP. Which, of course, I gave to him without hesitation. What else would I have done with some piece of trash that a 13 year old desires? Probably would have just fed it to my six cats.
It's all about glo-fi now. What do you mean they sound the same? If you read the Brooklyn Vegan feature you'd know that there are six essential differences in sound between the two genres. You just don't know the right way to listen to music, poseur.
Deerhunter[edit | edit source]
Underrated.
Deerhoof[edit | edit source]
Overrated.
Deer Tick[edit | edit source]
Ugh. Okay, so that other poseur got maybe one thing right. Deer Tick is simply abysmal.
Diet[edit | edit source]
One of the biggest characteristics of having a vegan diet and to grow your own vegetables and eating grass than cutting it with a mower, after all we have to remember to reduce carbon emissions, don't we?
Photography[edit | edit source]
Why bother taking photos of anything when the whole world has gone to Hell, anyway? The only way to truly capture the spirit of a moment is with finger painting. Seriously, Polaroids? Um, excuse me as I stuff this Polaroid down my throat and gag to death on it.
They only started offering finger painting courses at Hampshire College last month, so of course you still think that photography is superior. But you wouldn't have known anyway because you probably go to Bard or, *shudder*, Wesleyan.
Video Games[edit | edit source]
Clearly, the poseur who wrote this section has never played Q*Bert on Colecovision. Instead he just writes some boring shit about Africa? Who cares about Africa? Let Paraguay starve for all I care.
I bet he's just acting super sanctimonious just to cover up his awful Duck Hunt addiction. People who claim to care about Africa are always hiding something.
Girl's clothes[edit | edit source]
There's a time and a place for unisexual clothing, but I prefer not to use the term as a fucking umbrella. First of all, what if I'm buying a snood? I would look absolutely daft walking around with a girl's snood.
Differentiate, you poseur, the world's been doing it for hundreds of years and it's been working fine.
Liberal Arts[edit | edit source]
There once was a poseur on Uncyclopedia
Who tried to write a poem but failed-edia.
He should have done a limerick
Then switched into free verse at the last minute
Because that would have been tons more ironic than the shitty whatever that he tried to do.
Post[edit | edit source]
I'm post-critiquing this lousy article.
You thought I'd actually finish? Jeez, you really are a poseur. You've learned nothing about hipsters at all.