Hide and go fuck yourself
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“Why, I remember playing a variation called "Hide And Come Bugger Me". Oh, what fun we had.”
Hide and Go Fuck Yourself is a sport with ancient origins. It has been played for recreation in most regions of the world, so its geographical origin isn't particularly clear, but it emergence as an organized event took place in Athens, Greece, as part of the Olympic Games, somewhere between 775 and 770 BC. Legend has it that Zeus, angry at its exclusion from the Games (and being a practiced participant of the sport himself), descended from Mt. Olympus himself and demanded that this noble sport be given its fair due. Homer, Plato and some other random Greek people were there, and they recorded the Zeus speech as such:
| “ | I am Zeus! Emperor of the Gods and a fantastic door-to-door salesman, having won the coveted Avon salesperson of the year 3 years in a row!
I have descended from my high place on Mt. Olympus to demand that the great sport of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself be included in the Olympic Games! This is the noble sport of the Gods! Also, I'm tired of competing alone! You can bet I'll be playing along from home next year! Anyhow, now that that's settled, would anyone like to buy some Rose Blush? |
” |
After finishing this speech he was promptly blasted to infinity by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The Greeks, however, took no notice of the FSM, as they didn't believe in him. As per tradition with the majority of the world's religions, upon seeing something that conflicted with their beliefs they covered their ears and eyes and went, "No! No, I can't...Lalalalalalala!" and immediately put Zeus's words into effect.
Only men competed in the sport in those times, and surprisingly, despite the advent of many women's sport leagues in modern times, there hasn't been much mention of a professional women's league. However, underground women's leagues are rumored to exist; when questioned, most women give the answer, "Wouldn't you like to know?" and walk away suggestively. So prevalent is this answer that it is suspected to be part of some sort of code the underground leagues use, or some other such secretive female shit.
Rules of the Game[edit | edit source]
The rules of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself differ according to the number of people playing, and the various styles of play that have been invented over the years.
Solo Play[edit | edit source]
Solo Play, done mostly for practice and training, is also slowly evolving into a sport in its own right. With the advent of the internet, many online leagues have started, with high score lists being based on the honor system. However, it is suspected that most of the popular internet high scorers, such as Michael Jackson, Paul Reubens, Ann Coulter, and George W. Bush, are completely full of shit.
One on One Competition[edit | edit source]
One on One Competition is usually done in a tournament style elimination format. Competitors are awarded points in three categories: Stamina, Exit Velocity, and the ever popular "What it looks like when you make a Rorschach test out of it."
Team Play[edit | edit source]
Teams usually consist of anywhere from 2 to 7 members, and is much more complex than One on One competitions. In addition to the three categories mentioned prior, competing teams are also judged on synchronization and choreography. Organized Hide and Go Fuck Yourself team leagues are mostly restricted to the San Francisco area.
Pre Requisites[edit | edit source]
To start playing the game, you need to have a highly developed background of being a cunt, loving guys dicks or being just plain Fayt Strife - which encounters all of those attributes. Usually people like that, who are nerdy little fucks go and hide in a corner - or a dark hole - and take part in the ancient ritual of 'fucking' oneself. It takes a great deal of accuracy and temper to be able to complete such process, but some cunts that are listed as before as quite capable of doing this with ease.