Harold Godwinson

Harold Godwinson, as drawn by his five-year-old son Wulfnoth.

Harold Godwinson (or Harold II) (Old English: Harold Gōdwines sunu) (c. 1022 – 14 October 1066) was the last Anglo-Saxon King of England. He was a mean bastard because he nicked the throne from William of Normandy, later William the Conqueror, having promised him it. This was a bit like my mate Steve who promised me 50p for my Wayne Rooney Panini sticker, but instead he didn't pay me, and he still has my sticker.

On the other hand, William was a genuine bastard, but at least he was the real king.

William invaded England and fought Harold at the Battle of Hastings. Harold was shot in the eye and/or killed with a sword and/or disembowelled and/or beheaded and/or mutilated and/or generally fucked up. After he was killed, he was identified by some tart he'd slept with, and then raped by a stoned Norman called Nigel. He was buried at sea with full military honours.

He is popularly known as Harold the Fucking Sneaky Retard Bastard Throne-Stealer, or just Harold the F.S.R.B.T.S.

Career

Harold II shown being a bit of a bastard at some guy's stag do.

Harold's playing career is peppered with a mix of wins and defeats but two memorable matches are seen as career defining, both during the 1066 season.

Stamford Bridge

Despite losses earlier in the season Harold managed a surprise 1-0 victory in the northern wastes of Yorkshire against one of the best teams in Europe. He even managed to overcome the presence of his own brother, who was signed by the Norwegians from QPR for a club record £3, 8s and 6d.

Contrary to popular belief, this battle did not involve Chelsea, as its name suggests. In actual fact it was an international between Norway and England, and was merely played at Chelsea's stadium.

Hastings

Harold getting shot in the eye and/or killed with a sword and/or disembowelled and/or beheaded and/or mutilated and/or generally fucked up, in William's favourite scene on his duvet cover.

Harold definitely got ahead of himself here, and was beaten on home soil by Champions League titleholder William of Normandy. Many commentators have described it as the worst defeat for an English team but clearly they haven't kept up with our cricket/football/rugby teams over the last forty or so years. I mean did you see us at Wembley in the buildup to the World Cup?

Following the defeat he would retire from the game, although this was a somewhat forced retirement, not a voluntary one, as evidenced by his death late in extra time, which was something of a blow to the English fans.

World Cup 1066

However, Harold managed at least one success in his reign, as he won the World Cup on home soil, beating the Holy Roman Empire/Kingdom of Prussia/Kingdom of Bavaria/Kingdom of Saxony/Kingdom of Hanover etc. (a.k.a. future Germany) 4-2, with Geoff Aethelhurst of Northumbria scoring a hat-trick. England has never won the World Cup since, and still complains of 945 years of hurt.

Legacy

William's mum began to diversify, as shown by this special mug, used by William to drink his milk. This scene shows Harold looking up at an unlucky moment during a game of 'I spy'.

Harold is remembered as one of England's worst ever kings. He is definitely the worst king Harold. Wait, Harold I wasn't great either. Still, he had a cool nickname. Harold Harefoot. No, wait, that's a shit nickname. Oh, well, they're both awful.

Harold is known for some bad decisions, but here are four of the worst, in reversological order:

• 4. Harold had himself crowned king. The sneaky bastard.

• 3. Harold killed his own brother. The stupid bastard.

• 2. Harold drank too much coke on the morning of the battle, and he needed to pee all afternoon. The wet bastard.

• 1. Harold looked up at precisely the wrong moment. The dead bastard.

Ironically he was playing 'I Spy with my little eye' with his mate Theofric at the time. It was Sod's Law, really.

Portrayals

Harold's impressive shield wall, as portrayed in 300. This scene was a little graphic for William's duvet cover, so his mum left it out.

Harold was depicted on the Byauesyaeux Tapestry, something William's mum made for him as a commemorative duvet cover. It also has lots of naked men on it, and a horse with a massive penis. Trust me, I've been to France and I've seen it. It's big.

My mate Steve also showed me this film about the Battle of Hastings. I can't remember the name, but I think it was called 300. Anyway, it was really cool and lifelike and it really improved my understanding of the Battle of Hastings. Also, Harold's wife was pretty fit. Although, I never knew that William was a hermaphrodite. Perhaps that was a result of him being a bastard. I'll try and remember to get married before I have any kids, otherwise they'll look like him. All ugly and fucked up.

Number of limbs

Another famous Harold with a dull and uneventful life documented in popular culture. He also had a nasty death involving an arrow, but that episode won't be broadcast in the UK until 2037.

Harold was born in Wessex, and was therefore the result of a long line of inbreds. His family tree closely resembles some plates of spaghetti due to its intricate complexities (e.g. cousins who are also parents, fathers who are also uncles, sisters who are also brothers etc.) As such, Harold had three arms, although some 12th century Saxon sources cite a minimum of five. Either way, he had numerous unnecessary bodily protrusions, including a total of at least nine fingers. Harold's appearance in the Byauesyaeux Tapestry does not reflect his actual appearance, as it distinctly shows him having two arms.

Not to be confused with

Harold on Neighbours (TV series).

See also

• Norman Wisdom