Hanwell

St Mary's Church. Where the die-hard bastards go to be pious for a few hours each Sunday at the insistence of their wives.

Hanwell is a small settlement in the suburbs of West London, home of white middle-class families, devout Hanwellians, chavs, wankers, Poles and Indian people who couldn't fit into Southall. Rivalling Ealing in the east, Greenford in the north, Southall in the west and Brentford in the south, this small town has given up a string of fantastic takeaways and ethnic shops. The best fish and chip shop in England can be found here but only if you can afford the exorbitant prices and like Nigella Lawson size portions of chips. A multitude of kebab shops, takeaway pizza parlours and Chinese takeaway providers can be found scattered over Hanwell, mainly on Hanwell Broadway and to a lesser extent on the Boston Road.

Hanwellians

The main population of Hanwell, those who grew up in the town and fell in love with it even though there is sod all there to do, are nice folk. They range from teenagers, some without acne, to the little wrinkled people residing in the Home for the Experientially Gifted near Elthorne Park.

Business

There are three main areas for business within the Hanwell area. Hanwell Broadway (located on the Uxbridge Road), Boston Road (on the one way bit towards Brentford and near Elthorne Park) and on Greenford Avenue. Most of these businesses are run by one of three gangs. The Singh and Mahmood Consortium, the Polski Sklepopoli and the Old Hanwellians living mainly in the Deans/Montague Road area.

The main conflict is between the Consortium and the Sklepopoli who are in frequent combat over convenience stores. The Eastern European mafia based Sklepopoli opened "Polski Skleps" (translation: Polish butchers which also sell other everyday groceries) in direct competition with the Consortium owned newsagents and off licenses. The main battleground for these epic gang wars is Elthorne Park where the Sklepopoli battle with shanks made out of cans of Tyskie and Skol against the Consortium stabbing away with broken Cobra bottles. Most of the time, chav and wanker mercenaries battle it out for the Consortium while the main business suited management dine away in their main base and chief money earner, The Spice of Hanwell. The Sklepopoli use imported immigrants from Poland for their main infantry. Ironically the Consortium profit from these battles as they undercut the Skleps by selling cans of Tyskie and Skol at cheaper prices to the Polish immigrants than the Sklepopoli can. These allows them to hire more mercenaries last minute and usually results in a Consortium victory.

The Old Hanwellians are the die-hard bastards that have been in the town since their birth at nearby Ealing Hospital (not actually in Ealing) who have never had the urge to go anywhere else. They run the businesses that have made Hanwell what it is today. The pubs and the chippies. No matter how hard the other gangs have tried, the Old Hanwellians have never let them get in on their monopoly. Their flagshop, the Golden Chip, is reputed to be one of the best fish and chip shops in England, even though it is overpriced. They run the takeaways and minicab services, either directly, or by providing "mob protection" services. Each leader or "guvnor" has his own pub and is not afraid to sort things out for themselves. They also control the chav and wanker mercenaries giving them profit from every Consortium/Sklepopoli battle.

Landmarks

Hanwell clock tower. Where time stands still as everything else changes.

• Hanwell Clock Tower - In the middle of the old square Hanwell clock tower, a typical design fashionable in the 1930s but an eyesore ever since. Never tells the right time and made of concrete. Love it or hate it, it's still part of Hanwell.

• Hanwell Station - A three platform train station located on the line out of Paddington. Currently only serviced by the Heathrow Connect service to take Hanwellians into Paddington so they can go be Londoners for a bit, white middle-classed families to Heathrow so they can go and take the annual package holiday in Spain or transport Indian people to their relatives in Southall.

• The Viaduct - Complete with "Hanwellites" graffiti and a now locked-up system of chambers, it lies at the end of the meadow separating Bunny Park from the rest of Hanwell.

• Elthorne Park - The main battleground of Hanwell. Also has a tarmac football pitch for the local talent/vain sods to come and show off their skills and new boots.

• Bunny Park - Home to Hanwell's tiny zoo, a café and the very easy "Millenium Maze" created in the year 2000. A preferred sight for dog walkers since there are less broken bottles and tin cans everywhere.

• The Canal - The Grand Union Canal, once a proud artery from the north transporting goods to Brentford and the River Thames. Now Hanwell's biggest armoury and trolley shop.