UnGames:Guitar Hero: Legend Of Hawkings

Is that Freedom Rock? Turn it up!

Guitar Hero: Legend Of Hawking is yet another installment in the guitar hero game series, heavily coded for cornering the largely untapped disabled gamer market to ensure Activision profit. Like the other Guitar Hero games in the franchise, Legend of Hawking uses a guitar shaped plastic controller. Unlike the other games which have adaptable controllers like the Les Paul and X-plorer, Hawking was released with its own unique controller, featuring only one fret button and no whammy or strum bar. The game is redesigned to enhance a simplistic musical experience for any hero who previously was challenged to complete Slow Ride on medium, play Hit Me with your Best Shot on easy, while managing a three star rating. Quadraplegics, blind, deaf, genetic mutations, micro-encephalics, multiple sclerotics, organic brain diseased, and the comatose are invited to thrills playing Hawking. Game Talk Rumor has it that the only other virtual activity similarly engrossing for the severely challenged gamer is watching people chop yews in Edgeville on Runescape.

Changes

Similar to other Guitar Hero games, a fret board is included; spheres race toward the bottom of the screen as you rock. The gamer must use amazing timing to hit the notes with slight variation. In Legend of Hawkings a green button replaces the whammy or strum bar, making playing the game less challenging for the simple. Guitar Hero franchised a large fan following of those playing Hit Me With Your Best Shot on beginner, who regularly display their achievements on youtube.

The game has 13 tracks and 2 bonus tracks; including the Cool Beans rap from Hot Rod. 80% percent of the songs in the Legend of Hawking game have had the guitar tracks stripped for ease of play. For safety controls, the element of losing is only possible by pressing the buttons where there aren't any notes. This safety feature, ensures continued enjoyment during seizures on the green button. Every song on Legend of Hawking has the audio transverted into Microsoft SAM from Windows 98, engineered by Steven Hawking himself, to enhance the player experience and realism via SAM audio singing accompanyment.

• Star Power: Hitting any note in the song will instantly activate star power that lasts for 10-20 seconds. Any additional notes hit whilst playing the song will build up star power and enhance the duration of the song 10-20 seconds longer for every note hit. Therefore, hitting an estimated 10 notes will have collected enough star power to last to the end of the song.

• Battle Button: This button simply activates a battle attack when engaged in a head to head battle. (see New And Improved Battle: below)

Game Difficulties

Clinically Dead

This difficulty level is often selected by Tardive Dyskinesics. Herbrephrenic schizophrenics prefer this game setting since side effects from extensive MAO inhibitor medications that control game grimacing, scat eating, and hero delusions do not compete for mental attention with the game. As an added feature, Shock therapy closely resembles this experience for the challenged gamer, however this claim has been contended by the American Medical Association without adequate double blind statistical studies.

Intellectually Broken

This difficulty level is usually too complex for most mentally challenged and emotionally PTSD as it involves actually using the controller to play, not just watching the screen. Slick Advertising campaigns display players completing difficulty level to be cheerlessly rewarded with a bowl of Special-K and an action figure from McDonalds from their caretaker.

Almost Beginner

This difficulty level is about half as hard as playing Slow Ride on beginner and has the physically challenger frantically using all their Guitar Hero techniques to be able to finish a song epic. As a special challenge, Guitar Hero has stated that no challenged special gamer olympiads have aced this difficulty level. Although it has been rumored that on May 3rd, 2008, a 21 year old legless man from the southern borders of Africa was able to finish a song at this level. Swiftly debunked as Urban Gamer Hero Myth, it was agreed that African economic reality opposed any handicapped purchase of a Guitar Hero game.

Beginner

Similar to all Guitar Hero games, beginner mode is included, yet leveled to an appropriate base standard of musical ability and physical intelligence. Cleverly engineered Beginner play challenges require pressing the single button at an astounding 5 beats per minute (BPM). Workshops are regularly held at institutions, where Guitar Hero Hawkings flock for tips and training. This difficulty level includes a special safety warning to foolhardy gamers, and heart transplant survivors, after the shocking public deaths of 8 gamers. When Steven Hawking isn't plagarizing other physicists' formulas with literary license about quarks, string theory, and black holes, he actually managed to complete 23% of Mississippi Queen, gleaning a coveted entry in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Gameplay

Legend of Hawking has the same set of game play levels, slightly modified, plus a whole range of new and exciting play to test your skills and abilities!

Career Mode

Just as the other installments of Guitar Hero, Career Mode includes a much more unique story line. Players enjoy a virtual experience of the life of Steven Hawking, with all best known venues like Madison Square Garden, LA Colosseum, Bill and Ted's Excellent Bar and House of Scented Candles in lovely Detroit, MI.

New and Improved Battle:

Battling Legend of Hawking, includes exciting features, like CAS voice over strings to provide for handicapped namecalling while two opponents rock out, head to head using cleverly contrived battle attacks and rifts.

Retro Attacks

• Broken String: This attack will break an opponents strings. The button on the opponents guitar controller won't work until subsequently pressed within 60 seconds of the Broken String assault and is, of course, known to be the best attack in the game, usually bringing victory for anyone who uses it first.
• Difficulty Up: Virtually anybody with an IQ higher then 62, low normal, would not be challenged with Legend of Hawking, however anyone with an IQ lower then 102 (Stanford Binet, No Child Left Behind testing program) wouldn't be able to play through difficulty (Clinically Dead) level, the added feature "Difficulty Up" attack leaves your opponent win proof. Psychological studies show that mild accomplishment, a basic Maslov positive self esteem, and any control over the outcome of anything, for any challenged individual results in long term health. Addiction warnings are the only threat to the marketing mogul Activision for this offering, Legend of Hawking!
• Amp Overload: This attack causes the scrolling fret board on your opponents screen to shake and blur, hopefully putting your opponent into an epileptic fit, hence making it hard for them to hit notes. Note: This attack is generally suicide considering it leaves you both open for chance of having an epileptic seizure, so before using this attack make sure your rock bar is higher than your foes.
• Whammy Bar: This attack was bought back with incredible ignorance, the attack (just like in previous games) forces your opponent to move the whammy bar fast before they can play notes again. Due to the fact that the game does not have a whammy bar, (and the dickhead who made this game being a retard, included this attack in the set battle list) your opponent may find it a pretty tricky situation to get out of.
• Power-Up Steal: This attack steals your opponents attack before they can use it. If they don't have one to steal and you activate this power you'll lose it. Because this game is only bought and played by the brain impaired they are known to instantly bash the attack button as soon as they receive the power up, usually causing it to do nothing.
• Double Notes: Deploying this attack forced your opponent to double up on how many notes they have to play. Note: May cause epileptic seizures
• The Lefty/Righty Flip: The left/righty flip attack swaps the note chart around opposite to how your opponent would normally play the game. Considering the game consists of one button which most players usually press as they do their Microsoft Sam Speaker button on their retarded transport device, left/righty flip only places the green spheres on the right side of the screen instead of the left, and due to the people who play this game not having any kind of intellectual capacity whatsoever, this attack usually confuses the hell out of them and they freak out and sometimes die hopelessly on the floor in a puddle of their own vomit and urine.
• Death Drain: In sudden death, the death drain power-up will drain your opponents rock meter. Nuff said.

New Attacks

• The Red Button: This attack increases the difficulty on your opponent's fret board by adding a red sphere to their scrolling note chart. Because the controller only has a green button this attack is rather effective.
• Samuel L Jackson: This attack causes the opponent's fret buttons to be replaced with Samuel L Jackson. This strikes fear into the opponent daring not to hit the notes. It was rumoured that one player was game enough to continue hitting notes whilst having the Samuel L Jackson attack deployed on them. The player mysteriously vanished the next morning. He was later found carved up with a Pb pencil and left on a house boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
• Easy: This is the only way to ever see this difficulty in GH:LOH, very similar to Difficulty-Up but much more advanced and powerful. Instantly takes the players difficulty setting and sets it on the easy difficulty. This means instant defeat for any player against whom it has been used.
• Chuck Norris: This attack causes Chuck Norris to climb out of the disc tray of the console, walk up to your opponent and round house kick them right in the throat. Rumour has it this attack is rather effective.
• Through The Fire And Flames: This attack transforms the opponent's note chart into the one for Through the Fire and Flames by DragonForce. Unfortunately, due to the fact that this game only has one button; if you get hit with this attack you fail the song in 0.0009 milliseconds and your console blows up, costing you $5 USD to repair, something the average player will never possess seeing as how the game is so addicting and frustratingly difficult that you just have to finish playing it and Full Combo every song that you will never get a job.

---

Note: Battle Attacks involve getting a streak of 6 or more notes in a row. Rarely is anyone who plays this game capable completing such a difficult task. Therefore, attacks generally do not apply to the game

---

Accessories Shop

Guitar Hero: Legend of Hawkings has an in-game shop (like in previous games) in which you can purchase all kinds of unique bonus songs, accessories, characters, and other extra content using in-game money.

• Bonus Song - Cool Beans Rap - From the movie Hot Rod-2007 - $1237
• Bonus Song - I Gotta Go My Own Way - High School Musical 2 - 2007 - $2000
• Bonus Character - Zombie Michael Jackson- $3290 - Buy this character to be able to rock out on stage as Michael Jackson's rotting corpse, comes complete with plastic nose and logic defying moon walk.
• Bonus Character - Steven Hawking - $4500 - That's right, you can play as Dr. Hawking himself, comes complete with disgusting facial expressions and 100% guaranteed non-working legs.
• Bonus Character - Cheap whore - $1 - Affordable. What more to say?
• Bonus Character - George Bush - $2540 - A game designed for the mentally challenged. Who better to co-star in it other than George Bush?
• Accessory - Wheel Chair - $3800 - The Wheel Chair slows the game down making it easier then it already is.
• Accessory - Working Legs - $2750 - This accessory does nothing for gameplay and is mostly for taunting.
• Accessory - Prostate Cancer - $1200 - Prostate Cancer can be used in battle mode to drain your opponents rock meter, slowly bringing them to wither and die.
• Bonus Content - Video 1 - $5000 - This bonus clip features Steven Hawking at his very first rock concert singing along on stage to Cyndi Lauper. He was immediately booed off and had his crotch set on fire by screaming girls and homosexuals.
• Bonus Content - Video 2 - $3000 - This bonus clip is proof of Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off of a bat, brutal stuff