Goth Hunting

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Your prey....

Goth hunting is the act of hunting goths. Unlike this article, which does need love, goths don't and therefore it's perfectly okay to hunt them down.


  • Step 1: Plant your area with large rose bushes. Make sure they produce black or red roses, and have long, sharp thorns. Let the bushes grow out of control, until your area looks overgrown and romantically neglected. This is the bait.
  • Step 2: When your prey walks by the trap, he will feel an overwhelming desire to write poetry about it, or should he not be poetically inclined (gasp!), sit in the middle of it and contemplate death. He will approach the roses, leading you to...
  • Step 3: The fishnet, lace, or other material worn by your prey will catch on the thorns, rendering him motionless.

Although not as effective, there are other ways to capture a Goth.

  • Step 1: Break your window and put the glass shards on a little table outside your home.
  • Step 2: Grab a Cowboy hat, Lasso, and some country music.
  • Step 3: Wait till the Local goth community is standing around your glass shards cutting themselves with it. This happens terrifically fast. (Their primal instincts tell them where they can cut themselves.)
  • Step 4: Come out of your hiding place wearing the cowboy hat and singing along a banging country song. This will render the Goths completely stunned.
  • Step 5: All the Goths are stunned now, throw your lasso over all of them and pull. They are not able to escape from this simply because everything Cowboy burns through their evil minds.
  • Step 6: Throw them into a church and watch them disintegrate!

Checking your prey over[edit]

Congratulations! You've caught a goth! But how do you know it's really a goth? What if it's a Spooky Kid, Emo, Mansonite, or Quantum? Here's a handy test to see if that vision in black really is a goth. If your quarry meets these specifications, be happy (or forlorn, if you will), for you have caught yourself an authentic!

  • It is sickened by the country-style decor in your kitchen.
  • It points out the window at all the other goths caught in your rosebushes, and gives you a longwinded speech about how they are NOT goth.
  • It is NOT goth.
  • You may not be able to ascertain its gender from physical examination.
  • It just won't shut up about all those 80s bands.
  • Ankhs, ankhs everywhere.

If, however, your prey is more similar to these specs, put it back on your rosebushes to starve or be picked up by its mom.

  • Wearing any Marilyn Manson clothing
  • If it is wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt it is Emo, or Poser Goth
  • Ugly, ugly, FUGLY makeup.
  • Gives a long explanation of what Goth is, with contradictions all over the place.
  • Is wearing blue jeans or khakis, or anything from the (shudder) Gap.
  • Is a girl scout, salesman, or Jehovah's Witness. (Don't put the trap in the front yard, people!)

It's very pretty, but what do you DO with it?[edit]

  • Wear priest robesand force it to touch you in naughty places.
  • The obvious- sex slave.
  • Glue a lantern to its hand and make it a darker sort of lawn jockey.
  • Diminutive Perky Goths make excellent garden gnomes.
  • Since the Goth wears some quite jazzy makeup you could mount their head as a decorative trophy, but it's advised to keep it away from the kids.
  • Goths with big hair can be used to dust those high, hard to reach corners.
  • Film your own sequel to Edward Scissorhands.
  • Pretend it's your offspring, you get to be on talk shows!
  • It'll make a good test subject, as long as you are willing to inject him with drugs.
  • It'll introduce you to all the best people.
  • Improve your trap- put it in the yard with a sign that says "Goth Babe/Boi of the Week" over it.
  • Send it out to buy you that bondage gear you've always been afraid to shop for.
  • It'll make you feel reassuringly normal.
  • Sell it on ebay.
  • Or you could just kill it and feed it to a pitbull
  • Release it to live it's own life (Relatively pointless, will be dead in a week)

Help, My Goth ran away![edit]

Did the Goth you hunt run away? There's a couple of things you can do.

  • Check Wikipedia to see what to do.
  • Check the rose bushes in your back yard. It will probably be there.
  • Build a Starship and hunt it. details can be found here: HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship
  • Use a big oversized electromagnet to pull it back by its collar.

Campaign against Goth Hunting[edit]

Many goths/emos/punks have been campigning against goth hunting. Such campaigns include boycotting all shops selling eyeliner who support it, petitions (writen in eyeliner) and even threatening to look even more miserable (if its possible) with eyeliner.

If you see any of these type of campaigns they will probably have been something to do with E.A.R.W.I.G. (Equality And Rights Wanted Immediately for Goths) if you see these campaigns do not forget to try and kill all goths involved, dogs and horses are optional if you have to chase the goth.


No animals were hurt in the creation of this guide. (some Goth's were though.)