Gillette
Gillette is an Armenian-Indonesian razor-blade-company temporarily based in the United Arab Emirates. It was originally founded in Guatemala by Fredrick "Gillette" Bladh around the year 200 A.D., although some historians posit that it may have been as late as September 28th 1901. (these historians are wrong)
Founding[edit | edit source]
Although historians still debate the exact circumstances of the the company's founding, traditional folklore among the Inuit natives of the gardening aisle at the hardware store states for a fact that Fredrick decided to found the company out of dissatisfaction with the equipment available to the consumers of his era, a sentiment which was spurred on by the untimely passing of his dog Dog (Canis lupus familiaris) (柴犬), which occurred when he had tried to shave his dog with a very sharp sickle, though some historians suggest he may have been using a normal razor blade. (they are also wrong)
The first product sold by Gillette was the Gillette Fusion Pro Facial Integument Inhibitor Max Glide Safety Sickle™ which had a really really dull blade, so you wouldn't hurt yourself or anyone else when shaving with it. Frederick soon realized that by adding more blades to the products, he could make the blades in the middle be sharp, and the outer ones really dull, so the ones making first contact wouldn't cut the user, but the middle ones could still shave the hairs without hurting the user, unless the surface being shaved was concave, in which case they would be cut. This addressed one of the main issues with his first product, the Gillette Fusion Pro Facial Integument Inhibitor Max Glide Safety Sickle™, which was that its dull blade could not cut hair, and thus it had the unfortunate side effect of not working.
Some of Gillette's later products include the Gillette Good News! Trac II Atra Sensor Excel3 Turbo Power Fusion Power for Men and Women™ and a diverse array of anti-safety razors, marketed to an audience of primarily introverted teenagers with odd tastes in music.
A friend of Frederick once suggested that he should start marketing his razor blades to women as well as men, to make a larger profit. Since Frederick was based, he did not like this idea, and created the slogan "The Best a Man Can Get", to make it abundantly clear that his entire line of products were specifically powerful enough for a man, and definitely not made for a woman.
Founder[edit | edit source]
Frederick "Gillette" Bladh was born at a very young age to Lady Betham the Great of Uruk. It not known who his father was, but some recent historical research suggests that it may have been King Gilgamesh. Little is known about the Frederick's life other than his name, birth date, social security number, educational history, past work experience, and sandwich preference (roast beef and Swiss), as well as the rest of the information detailed in this article. Other findings have suggested that Frederick may have been a redditor, as an account has been found called "u/Gillette" which has been active in subreddits such as r/beards, r/Mustache, r/HairCareScience, and r/GenshinImpactHentai.
Frederick was a strong advocate for market deregulation, and a notable admirer of an extremely logical man whose wife is a doctor. He would often go to extreme lengths to decry socialism and any state intervention in the free market, once trying to prove this to a classroom of unruly students by clamping two king crabs to his balls; his loud wails of pain instantly dismantling the fallacy that is the assumption that human beings operate with compassion toward each other without pursuing their own interest, an assumption mistakenly made by all degenerate woke leftist cultural marxist feminazis.
It has been alleged by some historians and philosophers that the king-crabs-to-the-balls-argument was not logically sound, as king crabs are not actually crabs, belonging to the family Lithodidae, whereas true crabs belong to the suborder Pleocyemata. This claim has however in recent years been disputed, with the main counter-evidence cited being that king crabs still hurt when they pincer your balls, as proven in a 2017 study by Konradsson et al. where fifty students had king crabs attached to their balls, and another fifty had true crabs attached to theirs, with both groups subsequently being asked to rate their pain experienced on a scale of 1 to 10. These results were later replicated in a study by Qu et al. which also included a control group of fifty students who had no balls (namely, women).
Notable Gillette Partnered Spokespeople[edit | edit source]
A notable spokesmodel for Gillette was Karl Marx, a world-famous proponent of the clean-shaven look. It is well known by historians that his slogan "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs" was a reference to his belief that very hairy men should get free razors.
Another notable Gillette representative was Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili (sometimes referred to by the nickname "Joseph Stalin"). He didn't actually use Gillette razors to shave with, but found them very useful for the editing of photographs.
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