Gavin Rossdale
| [Source] | |
“This man is very special.”
“Bloody good bloke.”
Gavin Rossdale (born 30 October 1965) was a pioneer in the field of muffin making. He invented the infamous "Short-bread" and also produced his own brand of bread, named Steve.
The Start[edit | edit source]
Gavn grew up in and around Shepherds Bush in London and developed a keen interest in anything granary or grain related. At the age of three, after an undisclosed event involving a badger, he acquired his little sister's easy bake oven. He was only a wee nipper when his uncle John bought him his first guitar, which he promplty used as a paddle for pulling his precious, lightbulb warm muffins from the oven. His great aunty Mira also grew to fame in her day as the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and it was this that inspired his love of baking. As well as muffins, young Gavin also dabbled in making cookies, but the cookie monster filed a lawsuit against him for violation of code 249 and forced their family out of their home to pay for the court proceedings. Wibble.
Adolescence[edit | edit source]
Gavin had it rough as a teenager, being called names such as "bake-boy", "cookie-breath" and "cunt", which was particularly well-deserved. Bravely, these were shaken off with only minor (deep) psychological damage, the only repercussion being his inability to notice trees. Still, he soldiered on, only to have another blow to his early career. He blew the last spare bulb for his easy bake oven and, since his particular model has been discontinued, decided to buy the grown up version...a GRT7000, the most powerful oven money can buy. With this, he started the well known company Mr Kipling and made many thoudands of cakes, buns and biscuits. Sadly though, this was not for him, he missed the thrill of muffins and the excitement of waiting for a light bulb to cook dough. So he sold the company to an aptly named Mr Kipling and decided it was time for a change. He was still a total cunt.
Olderness[edit | edit source]
Broke, lonely, jobless and a cunt, he ventured out into the streets to pursue a career in stealing babies and fine, bagged crockery. He spent many years as this person, occasionally turning his attention to a young lass named Gwen Stefani. In fact he turned a lot of attention to her and eventually married her. Realising what Gavin had become, Gwen kindly showed great enthusiasm in Gavin's cooking and bought him the new easy bake oven with TWO bulbs. Gavin was shocked to say the least and as a token of his appreciation, gave a gift to Gwen of a freshly baked croissant, which she lovingly wore on her head when posing for the annual RSPCA kitten huffing event. He was still a cunt. (Pictured)
Side Projects[edit | edit source]
Gavin was the singer of a band named Bush, after his vagitarian ways. They performed a number of gigs but due to Gavin's lack of legs had to stop touring. Their most famous song is Glycogen, a story about a giant sandwich. They promptly split up and Gavin then formed another group, Institute, a nod to the rock god Frank Zappa. They never were as big as Bush but they toil on, trying to pretend they are younger than 40. Tsk. Rossdale was still a cunt.
What Now?[edit | edit source]
Who knows? Maybe his side projects Bush or Institute will yield some income. But for now, Gavin likes long walks in the park, a nice sunset, stroking kittens and being a cunt.