Gabe Newell
Gabe Loagy "Steam Engine" Newell XIV, or GabeN as he is known to his followers and worshipers, is the American game developer, billionaire, and playboy owner of Valve Corporation. In 1962, GabeN descended from the heavens into the backyard of an unsuspecting couple in Colorado, where he was then raised. His origins are suspected to either be Mars or some distant advanced civilization. A Harvard dropout, (as it was too simple for his advanced intellect), he helped Microsoft create their first product, the Window, before leaving to start his own company. Named after a valve stuck in the back of an employees head after a tragic gardening hose accident, the company launched its first game, Half Life, to resounding success. In 2003, he launched Steam, which was (and still is) a huge middle finger to the greedy game corporations of the world, all desperate to force players off the platform. GabeN is one of the richest persons in the gaming industry, as evidenced by his mega-yacht complete with 12 gamer stations, two kitchens, a laboratory, and a mini submarine.
Early life[edit | edit source]
GabeN was revealed to have been discovered in a crater in the backyard of his adopted parents while they were out searching for Bigfoot. While they did not find Bigfoot, nor any evidence of Bigfoot, they did find a small child, glowing with otherworldly power. GabeN was adopted and taken in by the couple, who soon after moved to California to escape the constant clouds of marijuana that plagued their home, greatly dimming GabeN's powers. A young GabeN had dreams of being a doctor, but changed his mind when he found out that doctors had to see things like blood, bones, and naked people. In 1980, GabeN, with his IQ of 201, entered Harvard University to study programming, a brand new major.
The GabeNing[edit | edit source]
@Microsoft[edit | edit source]
GabeN lasted all of two days at Harvard before dropping out, after becoming frustrated with the program. Harvard had no idea what exactly programming was, so treated it more like an art class, with most of the class being asleep and the rest busy reading comic books or pretending to fiddle with the extremely clunky yet expensive computers. Just as he walked out of the gates of Harvard, a white van drove by full of Microsoft Special Forces Operators, who snatched up GabeN, drugged him, threw a hood over his head, and took him straight to Microsoft HQ.
For the next few years, GabeN spent his time handcuffed to a desk deep in the bowels of the headquarters, where he was forced to work tirelessly to produce "the Window." The first Window was put in his office thanks to his efforts, allowing him to see out into the outside world, which unfortunately for him happened to just be a back alley, as his office was poorly situated in the building.
GabeN was first introduced to gaming when he played Doom in the mid 1990s, and was fascinated. He was heard to have said: "I liked when I blew the head off that guy and was able to crouch down repeatedly onto it, I don't think you'd be able to do this in real life. I find it amusing." Finding out that Doom managed to outsell even the 3rd generation of the Window, GabeN's eyes turned into dollar signs as he saw the possibilities. Cha-ching!
Valve Corp[edit | edit source]
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With his freedom from Microsoft slavery earned through hard work and dedication, GabeN was finally freed from bondage and allowed to start his own company in 1996. While trying to come up with a name, one of his workplace partners walked into the boardroom with a garden hose trailing from his head. Rushing to his aid, they discovered that the water valve had exploded out of the wall and lodged itself firmly into the back of his head. After taking him to the hospital, doctors stated that taking it out would kill him immediately, so it would have to remain. In honor of "valve-head" as he was now known, GabeN decided to name the company Valve. Valvehead would be the mascot.
The first game developed and released by Valve was Half Life, a game that followed a guy in an orange suit who beat on scientists and aliens with a crowbar in a 3D world. Half Life was a huge success for Valve, and this granted him an unlimited budget to produce a sequel. During the production of the sequel, GabeN still had free time on his hands, so dedicated that time to creating Steam, a sort of digital library for games. Previously, gamers had to put round objects into orifices in their computers, but now they could just pirate buy them off the internet and play them whenever. Critics accused him of supporting piracy, but GabeN rebutted that pursuing piracy technology was easier than pursuing anti-piracy technology.
GabeN was, until recently, a true hater of al things console. As a high ranking member of the PC master race, he spat on all things Xbox and Playstation, calling them "pussy-boxes and stupid-stations." GabeN was a devout follower of the Linux Order, a sect dedicated to making computers run better at the cost of making using them a miserable chore.
Gabe's ventures[edit | edit source]
Not to be outdone by Elon Musk's neural interface brain control chip, GabeN and a friend started a company in 2022 with the intent of implanting chips with Half Life 2 code into the heads of Steam users. The chip was to be released in 2025, but has yet to make an appearance, arousing fear that users may have to forget waiting for Half Life 3, and wait for Half Life 2 again. GabeN is also invested in returning to his home planet someday, so has worked closely with space programs. In one case, he sent a gnome into deep space in an attempt to find his planet, but the gnome has yet to report back anything, raising fears that he may have died, or is just scared of talking on the radio.
See also[edit | edit source]
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