Franco-Automobile War
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The Franco-Automobile War, also known as "The Cars That Ate Paris", was a civil war between the people of France and their own vehicles. It led to the death of many people and the destruction of many cars. Fortunately all of them were French.
Build up to war[edit | edit source]
By 2005, decades of social fragmentation and economic apathy had left France in crisis. Its main industries, consisting of frog's legs, berets, and complaining, were unpopular throughout the global economy, and beneath the veneer of apathy the French people struggled with anger, paranoia, and constipation.
It was in this cauldron of turmoil that disaffected Islamic youths enacted their campaign to be accepted as part of French culture. Following the George W. Bush doctrine of inventing new enemies in times of difficulty, they focused their rage on cars, which are notoriously crappy in France, and made for an easier target in addition to not fighting back. Under the battle cry "L'auto Francais est un infidel!" they began burning French cars on October 27th, while simultaneously chanting "Death to America" purely out of habit.
The war begins[edit | edit source]
The French authorities, burned by humiliating experiences with England, the United States of America, Germany, Russia, Belgium, Luxemburg, Tom Cruise, Elmo and the French people (to name but a few) were optimistic they had finally found an enemy who could be defeated. Thus they encouraged the carnage by their apathy and disability to act.
But after 12 days of French authorities collectively shrugging and pulling that stupid, annoying Quoi? expression that everyone else in the World hates, the destruction had gotten out of control. 72 million cars had been destroyed, along with the cities of Paris, Bordeaux, Lille, Nice and Benny Hill Ville. Curfews were enacted but to little effect, as people had problems accommodating their automobiles inside their tiny one-room mud-huts.
Revenge of the cars[edit | edit source]
For this reason, it did not take long for further bad news to reach the French government. On the 13th night, the generally pacifist cars finally organized themselves under the leadership of an imported German Mercendez-Benz SLK called Tinkerbell. General Tinkerbell orchestrated counter offensives using weapons such as determination, genuinely funny humor, hygiene products, and chunks of sharpened mango.
Faced with such horrific weapons all native French people unilaterally surrendered. Though still faced with resistance from immigrants (some of whom still had a backbone, as the procedure of removal by surgery was administered more sparingly as of late), the victorious cars declared the start of the Ninety Eighth republic and subjugated all people within the borders of France to a life of humiliation. This was a great relief for the French, as they clearly had not expected things to brighten up, but to change for the worse. In addition to being forced to wash more than once a year, the French were reeducated that in reality, America was the Land of the Free, and that they all should emigrate to the vicinity of New Orleans to work on the cotton fields for free and make room for a stronger race.