Flaxmere

Flaxmere
Urban Zone	Population	Heaps of Maaa-ooor-eeees, Heaps of islanders, two white people not enough police officers and Ben Evans
	Extent	As big as a KFC Bucket
Territorial Authority	Name	Hastings District
	Population	Who knows? Flaxmerites can't count.
	Extent	Who cares? Drunk people can't judge distance.
	See also	Hastings *Hastings hangs head in shame*
Regional Council	Name	Hawke's Bay

Flaxmere (also known as Blacksmere, Flashmere and Flaxmurder) is sadly a lower-class suburb of Hastings, New Zealand. Everyone who doesn't live in Flaxmere would love Kim Jong Un to fire a nuke at it.

Essentially Flaxmere is just a zoo without a fence. Full of Monkeys', Chimps' and one Hyena. A napalm drop on Flaxmere would be much welcomed by 95% of the population of Hawkes Bay!

History

Your average Flaxmere male. Just fat and chubby. And looking like a fucking hyena.

Flashmerian gangs saw Captain James Cook far in the distance, they weren't sure if they were stoned or if the drugs had worn off and it actually was real. Maori and their big noses had already smelt KFC aboard the vessel and were motivated toward something for perhaps the first time in 200 years. In their haste and intoxication and having not found the KFC they kidnapped one of the crew. The local chief, Whaka-u-whag, married off his toothless daughter to the new crew member they were now stuck with in exchange for the KFC*, drunk logic just 'works' like that. All Flaxmerians' are inbred from this couple, even if you're not from Flaxmere.

The next event of any interest was when the locals invented fire 500 years later to cook chicken, this is not at all surprising; everyone in Flashmere knows THC takes longer take longer to wear off if you've eaten.

• (Excerpt from: Flaxmere, a battle with Alcoholism and the Locals, C. Ashworthy, Associated Press, 1985)

Geography

Flaxmere is situated on reclaimed swamp land, the swamp was mud derived from soil and Lion Brown. The city planning of the suburb is aligned to the shape of the Marijuana leaf (Flaxmere's town plant is the flowering cannabis sativa) Flaxmere is also the most distant suburb from Havelock North and the closest to Mangaroa Prison.

Climate

The climate of Flaxmere is alike to that of other areas of Hawke's Bay, warm and pleasant, however air quality is poor with a near-constant haze within the suburb. The town just has this charm that makes you want to keep coming back.

Culture

A mixture of many. The main cultural event happens each Wednesday when the locals group together (not what you're thinking) at the local WINZ to claim their mandatory government handouts, an excellent time is had by all, and the excitement in the air could be cut with uncle Rangi's boning knife. The other event is to group together at the local skate bowl dressed in your 'colours' and find the weakest 7 year old, and beat him up with a minimum of 5 friends.

Tourism

It is interesting to note that many of the promotional materials for Hawke's Bay Tourism and Hastings make no mention of Flaxmere, nor is it drawn on most maps. This is because in 1999, the Regional Council came together and decided to disown Flaxmere. Basically this has come about as Flaxmere is a public embarrassment for the region. Next time you're in Hawkes Bay try to find something actively mentioning the town. You Won't. You Can't.

Lifestyle

The lifestyle is simple, we stalked followed a native local Flaxmerite. The following is a list of his day-to-day rituals.

Monday

• Hungover from the weekend
• In bed with a woman man he does not know.
• Gets half dressed and goes to the pub.

Tuesday

• Wakes up on the pub's pool table.
• Spends the remainder afternoon busking at the shops, still mostly drunk.

Wednesday

• Races to the WINZ center to collect his mandatory handout.

Thursday - Sunday

• NON-STOP PARTY!, spends handout
• Repeats list from Monday for the remainder of his brain cells.

Anything Interesting Flashmere May Possibly Have

• Country Fried Chicken
• Tommy's Take Aways
• A library (with the only internet in the whole village...)
• A gym that people are too drunk to legally use
• A rock climbing center that people are too drunk to legally use
• Numerous P-labs
• Flaxmere Cootie World, A pool center that people are too drunk to legally use
• Churches Cults
• Peary Place
• WINZ, who could forget?
• second highest rate of STD's per capita after Hamilton
• The highest number of dumb, criminal breeding slags on the planet
• and Ben Evans

See also

• Havelock North
• Hastings
• Nowhere Land

External links

• Hastings District Council