Face Transplant

Magnus Fortesque is a world renown authoritative resource, called upon frequently by other people who are in the know and need to know more. Today, Professor Fortesque explains the concept of the Facial Transplant.

A Face Transplant is the one of the time tested ways to make an image that qualifies for an Uncyclopedia article when the original subjects of the article are rude and refuse to RSVP for their scheduled sitting for the portraiture.

There are two schools of thought on how this can be best be executed, and the quality of the workmanship is always of debate.

Face Transplants, High Artistry

High artesian Uncyclopedians, such as these ‎Hieronymus Boschs and these Van Goghs are proponents of organizing complex plans to stalk, capture, rape and surgically switch faces of the subject and its proposed outlandish match.

Such plans can take months to hatch and involve a complex network of spies, counter spies and counter-counter spies who spy on the spies spying on the unsuspecting quarry.

While this is going on, the fiends of such diabolical plots are scouring the countryside for the most septic place that that they can find in which to undertake the surgical procedures that will not only graft the face of the victim onto its host body. and occasionally the face of the host onto the victim’s body, but will also have a beautiful vista which will serve as the background for the potentially award winning image.

They then go into seclusion, spent on the energies used to create the masterpiece that has come from them, and only then after they have healed, sobered up and consumed a healthy meal of nacho chips, nacho cheese and nacho milk, will they complete another face Transplant again.

It's why I love my whispering eye!

Face Transplants, Cheap Thrills

Then there are the others, whose shameful ways are quicker, less skilled and, shall we say, cheaper than the performing of the scientific madness that results in much better images - the Potatochoppers. These men and women aren't interested in making the world bow before their evil geniuses like talents. No, these poseurs (like this article's writer) are simply in it for a cheap and quick rush that only a VFP Nomination can provide - Ha!

These low lifes troll the Internet looking for images that look compatible and will only require a quick copy and Photochop, chop, chop to create an unloving, uncomplicated and unskilled image that only pastes on face onto the body of another. Sometimes these masters of sneak will swap the face back onto the body upon which the face originated. Outrageous!

This method has none of the joy that the true masters live for. No intrigue! No need for Bon Ami to scour away the mess and blood! And no hatching of evil plans on to where to deposit the bodies once the experiment is complete! There is also no time for ethical decisions about whether is better to kill the chicken that now sees and breaths and eats with the head of unicorn!

No, these people, like your writer here, aren't interested in the gory - just in the glory of an award - Mu Ha Ha Ha!

But what of the French?

What of them? Oh, sure they think that they are superior to the rest of the world because they invented tongue kissing and humane human facial transplants that take from the dead and give to the living. Their methods are messy, requiring the gullitotine from which they harvest the whole head - so very messy, no?

Sure it's a nation that can despoil young Americans into the goodness of eating carry-out kittens with their cunning linguistics, but throw a real war and they will be crying to the Brits for help before you can say VICHY!

But I digress...

Anyway, facial transplants: they exist and they can be done.

This is Magnus Fortesque wishing you a happy facial switcheroo.

See Also:

• VFP
• ABC
• BBC
• M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E