Dylan Moran
Dylan Moran (born November 3, 1971 in Navan, County Meath, Ireland) is the Irish Prime Minister, and a reknowned social critic who began his life as a stand up comedian with floppy hair. Famous for his blunt, drunken and often controversial views, Moran has been the most successful Irish leader for millions of years, taking the great nation from potato-less obscurity and drunk jokes to one of the largest and most feared naval powers in the world. In tandem with British Prime Minister, Bill Bailey, he has engineered the dominance over the North Sea and Channel Islands, culminating in his defeat of Napoleon "Big Cheese, Wee Baws" Bonoparte at Trafalgar. Serves the short arse right for forcing Napoleon Dynamite on us, the self righteous cunt...
Comedy Career[edit | edit source]
Dylan Moran began stand up as a child (he grasped the mic covered in blood and recovering from the stress of being born), where he would trade witty remarks for red wine, cigarettes and hair-care advice. Dylan did not win the Perrier Comedy Award in 1996, but picked up the prize for Best Irish Drunk, the prize, ironically, being 684 AA chips. Together with the beard Bill Bailey, he starred in the TV sitcom Black Books in which he played bookshop owner Maximus Blackstone, who was a drunken Irishman with floppy hair that swears, smokes and slaughters those who fight in the coalition of the Evil (namely, Iraq, Iran, Iranistan, Wales and Noel Edmonds).
After appearing as the vicious warlord Mohammed Farrah Aidid in Ridley Scott's gritty war drama Shaun of the Dead, based on a true battle in downtown Soho where a platoon of Americans were surrounded by thousands of Somali Militia, he developed an interest in politics, and, in particular, being a vicious Warlord. Together with Bailey, who starred in Shekhar Kapur's Period epic sequel, Hot Fuzz, about the rise to greatness of Queen Elizabeth and thus gained an interest in becoming a bearded virgin queen who looks like a Klingon, he worked to gain power through the back door...no, that is not a gay inuendo. Sheep also feature prominently in Dylan's life. Sheep are fluffy, cuddly and particularly fond of Kiwis.
Seizure of Power[edit | edit source]
Having usurped Bono as Irish Prime Minister, in the face of massive public unpopularity against him for being an utter twat, by beating him in a drink contest, Moran set about turning his country around. Inspired by his angry, drunken rants similar to those of a certain Adolf Hitler, another famous Stand Up Comedian turned World Leader, the Irish people fucked like rabbits until their population was 2,000,000,000, thus giving them a military advantage. They proceeded to gain the neccesary technology by winning drinking contests and shoe throwing matches with bigger, more rich countries, until they eventually became bigger than Jesus. The Irish Revolution had began....or had it?
Yes, it had.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Moran enjoys drinking and telling his troops about how much he hates children, and how gin, vodka, beer, wine and whisky are all shite, an ironic tactic in making sure his troops are sober long enough to know what country they are about to fuck up. They then get pissed as they go into battle. If you think this sounds daft, just imagine going into a battle against a billion drunken Irishman with AK-47s. Yeah, really puts your Swiss army knife to shame, eh Johann?
That's not racist....
Anyway, it is not known whether Moran and Bailey have ever actually had sex, although the idea is enough to make you vomit up your own spleen, if that's possible. Which it isn't.
Sex, Health, DVDs and Dylan Moran[edit | edit source]
Dylan Moran could be considered by some to be sexually attractive, however, others believe him to have a life outside his body, rendering this view illegitimate. In 'Monster', one of his speeches now available on DVD for just £8.99 from HMV, right now, he reminds us we like what is bad for us, so analysts such as I presume this means that by 2070 natural selection will dictate the world will be full of really boring people.
He is apparently married, although this is probably not true.