DevilDriver
| Devildriver | |||
| Origins | Greenwich Village | ||
| Year(s) active | 890-Present | ||
| Genre(s) | Dark Homorific Satanic Death Metal | ||
| Label(s) | 890's first (early), Stele Huffa's records (now) | ||
| Members | Dez Fluffara John Brokeback Mike Eliot Spitzer Jeff Kensdick Captain Jon Miller | ||
“I have just been DevilDriven”
“You think the songs all sound the same? Of course the sound the same. It's cause they all sound brutal!”
DevilDriver is an American heavy metal band from the land of pinko commies and satan worshippers formed in AD 890 and comprised of ex-homosexual mallgoth Dez Fluffara (in super san mode), and four more of his gay buddies with names like Jon, Jeff, and John, and a Mike thrown in to break the mundaneness. Their first record "He Who Drives Satan's Limo" was more assy than fingers that just slipped through toilet paper, but the band made a major turn around when Dez decided to stop cutting his hair like a fag and go live in the caves of Afghanistan for a couple years.
When It All Started... 890 AD[edit | edit source]
In the dwellings of some pinko fag town presumably Santa Barbara, also known as Greenwich Village, Dez Fluffara the son of a poor Italian immigrant named Sylvester Stallone and a fat Italian transvestite housewife by the name of John Travolta sat empty minded after the devastating break up of his gay Village People spin off Coal Flamers. He had the perfect idea however. "Yeah like 2tally, I can lyke, make my own, raw, heavy fuckin metal band that only the hardest, blackest, throbbing... with anger, metal fans can listen to." After calling up his homies John and Jon and Jeff, they decided to name their band Megadeth, but then like, it was taken dude... so they had to name it "Devildriver" after a weird dream John had that he was driving Satan to his Halloween Party in Vegas in Hummer H3 Limo.
First Album which was a total flatline[edit | edit source]
So they waited and waited till Fluffara's dad beat up Josef Stalin and brought them the money to record their first full length album, named nothing in the beginning, but later changed to "He Who Drives Satan's Limo". In the first track, Dez (whos real name is Brianno Armani Diego Hidalgo Fiorenzio Guido "Dez" Fluffara) screams about the day he was stuck in the worst San Francisco traffic jam ever recorded in history. "WRRRY CERRNT ROOO SHEE JOOR IN MRAAW WAAARRYYY??" (translated by scientists at Johns Hopkins University as: Why cannot you see you're in my way?) this track was doubled on VH1 Crock with a homemade porn video in which amidst buttsecks, the band stops and Dez asks if everyone is alright.
Besides every song sounding just like the first track, Devildriver DID score a single with "ARR COURRD CERR LESH" also known as "I Could Care Less". Although this song, unlike their try-too-hard-to-be-a-tough-guy songs, actually sounded pretty emo. They also did a couple of tours where in order to gain attention, Dez torched his own cock
Dez's stay in Afghanistan Inn[edit | edit source]
After raking in about .53 cents of record profit from their first album, Dez decided it was about time for a nice vacation. He took the bands profits and went to the best Hotel in Kabul's green zone. While enjoying himself in the lavish Afghan Tazi life, Dez went to take a leak when suddenly the Angel Gabriel appeared out of his urinal and started choking the shit out of him. "You must let your fuckin shit grow out you look like a total pansy with that parted Adolf hairdo." Upon hearing the archangel's heavenly words, Fluffara departed on a long journey through Mecca, Medina, Naples, Milan, Manchester, Canada, and back to the land of fags and hippies. Upon doing this his balls sagged down about 30 inches and grew a massive 2 kg and hardened into the element Fe, or Heavy Fuckin METAL.
Iron Balls and a New CD[edit | edit source]
About two millennia from the release of their first CD, Devildriver released a second album. This one was called "DA FRROORY OV... ARR MEAKERSH ANDD". With this album came more hits and a new tough all out bad ass fuckin heavy sound. Noted fans of this album are badasses Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde, Vin Diesel, Rambo, Scorpion, and Optimus Prime. Although its sheer badassness was unparalleled until the coming of Lamb of God's next album, Dez couldn't get the gay double meanings out of his song titles. Blatant titles such as "Hold Back the Gay" describe his tough times in Afghanistan as a homosexual man, and songs like "End of My Pine" are about blowjobs. Nevertheless, the sheer inability to understand a single syllable of what he says in this album makes this Devildriver's best work.
Continuation of HEAVY FUCKIN BALLS[edit | edit source]
After only 2 years delay, they churned out another badass album known as "The Last Fine Birds" which was actually about Dez's experiences in a strip club in Las Vegas, where a majority of the bitches were hideous men like Paris Hilton and only a very slight few were decent looking. Since the contrast was so great between the ugly and the decent, the decent ones looked like goddesses to him and Dez and his buddies Mike, John, and Jon decided to name their album after them. Oh did I mention there was a sex slave in the band before, a skinhead by the name of Evan R. M. Pitts, who decided to leave when he was heartbroken that Dez went to Afghanistan and didn't stay to fuck his ass and make him humble.
Some have heard this album but most haven't. There is an internet portal where if the seeker drinks 10 pints of Jaeger, dances in circles on a Twister board while chanting Satanic prayers and having simulated sex with a pillow, can acquire a key that unlocks a chance to win a million dollars!
Fat, depressed, Seroquel-prescribed bi-polar white Mall core kids who light squirrels on fire and think that In Flames is mainstream. Fuckin pansies.
Band Members[edit | edit source]
- Dez Fluffara - Vocals/Ex-Homo- (890-present)
- Captain Jon Miller - Guitar - (2001-present)
- John Brokeback - Bass - (890-present)
- Mike Eliot Spitzer - Drums - (890-present)
- Jeff Kensdick - Drums - (890-present)
Former Members(Gold Diggers)[edit | edit source]
- Evan R. M. Pitts - Sex Slave/Jew- (890-2001)