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Dear Long John Silver,
By the time you read this, I'll be the first triple MILLION winner EVER in the NATIONAL LOTTERY! Yay. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but this world simply isn't big enough for the both of us. I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push the boundaries of human genetics past the point of good taste by procreating, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need to put this facade you've been living to an end, before I run out of script material. Ghostwriters cost a fortune. I want to tell you that I think you are really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Sagittarius, and I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. You like attacking clergymen, talking like Captain Kirk, and practicing surgery on household pests, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date for the hell of it. It's not like we don't both have herpes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I dig your cold, dead body up again to have sex with you. I'd really like us to become that kind of insufferable cinemagoers who've read the plot in advance and sit and yell out spoilers throughout the film to the annoyance of everyone else, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, five past seven on Sunday November 3, 2003 springs to mind, for instance. Take care of yourself and never forget where you leave the keys. Honestly, those things are are a PAIN to find again.
~ Your alternate reality granddaughter. P.S. I am your father. Search your feelings - you know it to be true. D.S. |