Dave Reuben
“Open to all recipes!”
| Dave Reuben | |
| |
| Catchphrase: I TOMATOELLY agree! | |
| Only at | Turning Point USA Sandwicheria |
| Ingredients | White American, baloney, fruity snacks |
| Calories | 4 quadrabillion and a half |
| Fat | Yes |
| Country of origin | United States |
| Occupation | Delicious nonpartisan sandwich |
| Political party | Reubirtarian |
The Dave Reuben is an American sandwich whose recipe to this day tends to be vague. It was first invented in 1976 by a Subway employee in Brooklyn who was trying to make a sandwich everybody would find delicious. A Dave Reuben could be anything one wanted it to be. Since the original Dave Reuben literally contained every single ingredient in the entire world, the sandwich was meant to be modified by customers to their own liking by removing the ingredients they didn't like and keeping the ingredients they loved. The sandwich received high critical acclaim by food critics, each of who claimed it was one of the most "inclusive and open-minded foods in the history of the motherfucking universe".
Origins[edit | edit source]
Earliest predictions and proposals for a delicious sandwich anybody could enjoy[edit | edit source]
Many stories in antiquity involve the creation of a reuben sandwich so delicious it'd be able to feed entire civilizations and bring peace for eternity, with the first mentions of a "sacred dish able to bring peace to all civilizations for eternity" coming from stone tablets from the Indus River Valley dating between trillion billion years ago and 1972 AD. Since the languages of the Indus Civilization are still unknown, nobody has been able to translate the secret recipe and save the entire planet from culinary biases that sometimes lead to war, the most notable example being the Bacon and Cheese Sandwich Riots of 1905.
The legend of the magical reuben sandwich made its way to China, and this particularly came at the interest for Emperor Qin who tried to make the "elixir of life" out of the recipe so he could live forever. Sadly, it didn't work, and instead led to the death of Qin and his entire empire after the combined ingredients of gunpowder and cyanide were grossly unsatisfying to his taste buds. Many scholars agree he probably did not use the right ingredients.
The Roman Empire, the birthplace of romaine lettuce and caesar salad, was the hearth of what led to the eventual development of the Daveus Rubius theory. Many scholars see this as a result of the Indo-European connection and early Christianity. The Biblical story of David Reuben and Goliath Burger written by Samuel reflects the influence of the mysterious Indus valley reuben sandwich on early Christian culture that later spread across the Roman Empire.