Charles Manson

Manson, seen here in his "ladies' man" days.

“The White Album Sucked and you know it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Helter Skelter

“Best thing to happen to my career.”

~ Roman Polanski on Charles Manson

Charles "Chuck" Manson (November 12th, 1934-November 19th, 2017) is a noted self-made billionaire, philanthropist, social activist, Supreme Court Justice, Televangelist, long time member of The Beach Boys, matriarch of the Manson family and all-round nice guy. Alternatively known as the second coming of Jesus Christ, Manson was believed by many to possess satanic mind control powers, mostly because he was followed around by groups of women despite intense body odor that was described as "rotting fish carcasses stuffed into dirty old socks, dipped in kerosene, then lit on fire and hurled at incontinent midgets

Early Life

From birth, Manson's childhood was plagued by misfortune, molestation, and bad luck. But this didn't make him less awesome. Not only did his mother die during his difficult child birth but so did his father, his brothers and sisters and both sets of maternal and paternal grandparents. Less than a week later, a freak tornado wiped out a trailer park on the outskirts of Cleveland, killing all of his uncles, aunts, and cousins. This left young Charlie an orphan with no one to turn to ("no one to whom to turn", according to Winston Churchill, in his famous biography of Manson, Life of Sir Charles Manson, O.B.E..)

Soon young Charlie resorted to a life of crime in order to survive. After a string of liquor store robberies to support his baby formula addiction, he attained local infamy and the nickname "Babyface Manson". Charlie then moved on to what became one of the most famous crimes in the history of criminal law, The Chocolate Factory Heist. Although during the commission of this crime several Oompah Loompahs were accidentally killed, Charlie was later acquitted for lack of evidence. The Cincinnati police had accidentally tainted the evidence in the crime lab by repeatedly licking their fingers when they became smeared with chocolate.

Despite the failure of Willy Wonka's lawyers to obtain a conviction, Charlie was sued by the Oompah loompahs in civil court, who not only lost the case but were counter-sued by Charlie and allegedly lost a large percentage of the Chocolate Factory's stock as part of the settlement. After the decision, a gang of Oompah loompahs taught Charles the meaning of a Cleveland Steamer.

Before being acquitted and released, Manson managed to publish several books including: Marriage: how to make it work, Love her or leave her, 100 reasons she loves you, She Shines Like The Sun: poetry from the pen, and Poop: The Book.

Manson also released a tell-all biodrama on his life titled "Chuckie Manson: The Childhood of an American Boy." This biopic is considered one of the best in its kind, having engineered a cult sensation and a rethinking of what it means to be an American boy.

William Wonka, et al. v. Charles Manson

This landmark case was distinguished not only by the decision of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to allow the relatives of the dead Oompah Loompahs to become co-plaintiffs, thereby transforming a simple personal injury case into a class action suit, nor the long awaited legal recognition of the Oompah Loompahs as citizens, but most notably by the surprise settlement reached by attorneys for both sides.

Manson's reaction after receiving the news that he'd be getting released and receiving a cushy job at the Chocolate Factory.

Terms of the Settlement

Although the settlement was sealed, due to Charles being a minor, several details became clear over the course of many years. Manson, ostensibly for purposes of restitution and reparation, went to work at the Chocolate Factory, but it soon became clear that Manson's relationship with the factory was more than that of an employee to employer.

The first indication of this was when Charlie was given a parking space closest to the front doors of the factory, right next to the parking space of William Wonka. The next indication was Charlie's promotion to Senior Vice President in charge of Product Development. Clearly, Charlie was being groomed for bigger things, and his relationship with Wonka was more that of a protege to a mentor. Or so it was thought, until the factory issued a press release indicating that Wonka was adopting Manson. Soon after being adopted, Charles developed a nasty habit of finger painting in blood, feces, mud and the nasty syphilis infected goop he obtained out of Ronald McDonald's mother's vagina after doing her in the ear. Manson often was seen haunting the forests of mount everest waiting to attack local bystanders sexually, oh, he was a right horny goat!!

Manson Leaves The Chocolate Factory: Education at Yale and Harvard

Upon reaching the age of maturity (18 in most states, unless you are a Slashdot user, in which case it is 39 or when you move out of your mom's basement, whichever comes first), Charles resigned from his position at the chocolate factory and enrolled at Yale University. It was here that he first met George W Bush and John Kerry and was inducted into the infamous and shadowy Spoon and fork club. It was also during this period that he gave birth to Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris

Religious Conversion and the U. S. Supreme Court

Nigerian Chocolate Jesus impostor.

After his pal and fellow Spoon and Fork Club comrade George W. Bush was elected president, Manson petitioned his friend to appoint him as Supreme Court Justice. To win support from the previous Supreme Court Justice Pat Robertson, Manson started his own televangelism ministry. This program was aired on the Christian Broadcasting Network and was called "Helter Skelter: Chocolate Jesus." The program became an immediate hit with Chocolate Fundamentalists, and won Manson the nomination.

Six months later, he became the only Supreme Court Justice when he killed all the others while they were vacationing in New Orleans. He accomplished this by using his mystic powers to create a dark flood known as "Klondike Katrina," or "The Milk Chocolate Massacre."

Manson then went on to attend several courses in Scientology which at first he took to like a duck to water, however on learning about the Xenu story he quit stating his reason as "Those Scientology fucks are completely Dog Turd Doolalley and off their fucking rockers" and considering just how mentally fucked Manson was this has to be considered a compliment by Scientology standards.

Manson was later found stabbed to death, reportedly on Tom Cruise's orders. He had been hospitalized for a week due to failing health and old age. He was 83.

Excerpt of early Charlie Manson Interview with Geraldo Rivera

Geraldo: "How do you feel about the fact that you're going to spend the rest of your life here?"
Manson: "The rest of my life where?"
Geraldo: "Right here".
Manson: "You guys have been living a thousand illusions, man. The rest of my life where?"
Geraldo: "In prison."
Manson: "In prison? What prison? You got a prison in your mind? You see what I'm saying? You're in prison, son. You're the one that's in jail because you think there is such a thing as a prison. I'm sitting on the ground and a guy comes up and draws a line and he says "You're in prison". I say "Oh, I'm in prison?" and he puts up a big gate and says "You can't get out". I say "Oh, I can't get out?" and he says "Yes", then he dresses people up and walks them back and forth and has them say "We're keeping you locked up" and I say "Oh you are? I didn't have anything else to do anyway."
Geraldo: "All right by me! Now back to your statement that you discovered a cure for death! How does that work?"
Manson: "Well, it's out there in the desert. We was diggin' for it when the fuzz came. But it's still out there, believe you me!"
Geraldo: "Did you ever find any of it? I mean a cure for death! Did any of your family ever try it?"
Manson: "I don't think any of my family ever tried it, but they sure as hell tried it on others!"
Geraldo: "And did it work?"
Manson: "Well, pretty much! I mean, none-a-them people is ever gonna die, I told Tex to make sure-a-that!"

See Also

• Sound Is Compressed; Words Rebel And Hiss
• Charlie Brown