Charles Sumner

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A completely unaltered photo of Charles Sumner. Just look at how dumb he is.

Charles Sumner was a big, mouthy asshole. He was a crappy senator and civil rights activist or something. If you had met him while he was alive, he would have thought he was better than you. But he's not. He was just a big blowhard who couldn't keep his mouth shut.

I hate Charles Sumner. I loathe him. There is no word in English adequate for how much I despise him. This is not a vanity page! This is not a slander page! Every single thing written here is true! Don't delete this page, you Sumner-Loving admins!

People sometimes ask why I hate Charles Sumner so much. "Why?" they ask, "What did he ever do to you? What's your problem, anyway?"

I just tell them to FUCK OFF!

About Me[edit | edit source]

Me and my gun, Preston Brooks.

Before we start I just gotta tell you about AXEM, which is an acronym for the Anti-Charles Sumner Militia. It should be ACSM, but that sounds gay and stupid, so I changed it. We're a group of armed men and women prepared to defend our country against Sumner-Lovers. Well okay, group is a strong word but our numbers are probably growing.

That's me on the left. My name is Billybob Appleton-Soames, and I am proud of my country. There is no place for people who like Charles Sumner here. I live just outside Atlanta, Michigan, so you know we don't fuck around (go Elks!). I got my high school equivalency, my alcohol and firearms safety certificates, my heavy equipment operator certificate, and of course my Doctorates in Sociology and the History of Antebellum America. So I know what the fuck I'm talking about, so don't think you're better than me.

Every Saturday we go out on an afternoon Anti-Sumner patrol, then adjourn for a picnic dinner and some light opera. Then we put on night vision goggles and shoot varmints. If you want to join, just show up any Saturday at the Smith Farm, just east of Atlanta on Highway 32. Make sure you bring a gun, and wear some bright colors, cuz sometimes I get carried away and mistake visitors for Sumner-lovers and I got an itchy trigger finger. Ha ha ha! I'm just kidding.

No, seriously though, wear bright colors.

Gay Early Life[edit | edit source]

So I guess we better talk a bit about Charles Sumner, seeing as this is an article about him and all. We got to teach our kids about what a cockface he was. But fuck, I hate doing it, so I'm probably going to get all pissed off. It's all in the interest of education, right?

Charles Sumner was born 1811 in Boston. He attended Latin school as a child, where he probably got molested by a priest and liked it.[citation needed] From there, he enrolled in Harvard Law School and joined the Porcillian Club, so named because all they do hang around in bathhouses and pork each other. It's true! Look it up![1]

Antebellum Bullshit[edit | edit source]

Eventually, Sumner's mom kicked him out of the house and told him to get a job. For a year, he mooched off his college buddies and probably robbed a liquor store.[citation needed]

Then he started on this anti-slavery thing. Like that even means anything. Like he'd even have any idea about anything, the ignorant jackass. Everyone could see he was a big phony. He was like a fucking Berkshire hog walking around on its back legs.

He started running around lying to everybody. He ran for a bunch of loser political parties like the Free Soil Party and people actually elected him! Would you vote for a loser like that? Look at that puffy hair and those lame 19th Century clothes. Nobody would! He must have cheated![2]

He tried to nail Mary Lincoln! I'm not lying! He sent Salmon P. Chase and William Sprague out to the bar with Honest Abe to distract him. He showed up at her house and he was like, "Oh baby, my erection for you is longer than Phoebus' for Daphne! Behold my phallus!" and he pulls his dick out. Mary Lincoln would have called the cops but she was laughing so hard because it was so small.[citation needed]

A really awesome story[edit | edit source]


Okay. You're going to love this. This is awesome.

So Mister Charles-fucking-Sumner is puffing away in the Senate. He's all like, “Kansas this and Kansas that” and “slavery is bad!” Fucking whiner. Nobody sat next to him in the Senate because he would sometimes shit himself. True story.

So anyway, this badass muthafucka called Preston Brooks comes up to him and is like, “I'm tired of your shit, faggot.” Charlie started to spew his verbal garbage at him, but Preston Brooks takes this cane and WHACK WHACK WHACK!!! He totally kicks his ASS!!! FUCK YEAH!!! Charles is like whining and bleeding and moaning and he can't get up 'cause he's stuck under the desk. Preston Brooks keeps hitting him over and over in his mouthy fucking face, and he just walks out of there.

Here's the best part. Not only was Charles Sumner's ass kicked, but he got hit in the head so many times he got turned into a retard![citation needed]

The rest of his pathetic life[edit | edit source]

Look! They're playing footsie!

Unfortunately, he made a recovery. His remaining career was marked by triumphs in the field of civil rights, diplomacy with European powers, and the eradication of the cancer of slavery. But God, did he have to be such an asshole about it? He thinks just because he did a bunch of awesome stuff he can act all like, "Yeah, I'm cool." FUCK YOU, CHARLES SUMNER, YOU FUCK!!! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME???

The morning after Abraham Lincoln was shot, Charles Sumner was in his bedroom. Then the President died. Fucking coincidence??? Tad Lincoln, the President's son, died years later too, and you're an idiot if you think that's unrelated. What did Tad Lincoln see that fateful morning? Probably Charles Sumner smothering the President with a pillow, screaming "I love slavery! I love slavery!" while jacking off. [3]

Sumner fucked Henry Wadsworth Longfellow! It's true! When his wife found out, she started having an affair with this Prussian dude to make him jealous, so Charles Sumner raped him![citation needed]

Finally the asshole died on March 11, 1874. YES!!! He probably got poisoned because everybody hated him so much. They found all this kiddie porn under his mattress and a rubber ass in his closet![citation needed]

Memorable Quotes[edit | edit source]

“The Senator from South Carolina has read many books of chivalry, and believes himself a chivalrous knight, with sentimental cuts of honor and courage. Of course he has chosen a mistress to whom he has made his vows, and who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him; though polluted in the sight of the world, is chaste in his sight. I mean the harlot, Slavery. Duh!!! Duh dah duh I'm a big retard!!!”

~ Charles Sumner on The Crime Against Kansas

“Citizens of Braintree, I, your elected Senator, command that you bring forth your young boys for my pleasure forthwith! If I am disobeyed I shall descend upon this town as plague upon the Athenians! These federal troops shall scour you so thoroughly that God shall marvel and cry, “Yea! Such slaughter hath not been seen since Amalek was laid waste!” Bring forth my pound of flesh, constituents!”

~ Charles Sumner on Underage Sodomy

“Blah blah blah. I'm so good. Blah blah blah Sparta. Blah blah Pliny the Elder. I think I'm so smart. Blah blah blah. I'm better than you.”

~ Charles Sumner on Himself

Exhumation and Conflagration[edit | edit source]


On March 11, 2007, somebody broke into Mount Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge, Massachusetts during the night. They dug up Charles Sumner's moldering coffin and opened it. The corpse was doused with gasoline and set alight. Police were summoned by neighbors who were awakened by somebody shouting, “Burn, baby Burn” in the graveyard. By the time authorities arrived, they discovered that the flames had been pissed out.

It was ME!!! I did it! FUCK YOU, CHARLES SUMNER!!! I stole your femur and fed it to my dog! You're not better than me! BURN IN FUCKING HELL, YOU MOUTHY SON OF A BIIIIIIITCH!!!

More AXEM Activities[edit | edit source]


So that's about it. I guess now you can see what a turd that guy was, not like me. Remember to come out to the Smith Farm on Saturdays so we can get some Charles Sumner payback.

Next month, AXEM is going to take a roadtrip down to Harvard. We're going to find that statue of Charles Sumner there and fire an RPG off at it. It's going to be awesome! See you there!

And don't think I didn't notice you putting in those "Citation Neededs", Mister! Fuck you, Sumner-Lover! I told you everything in this article was true, so stick your Cn template up your dink! I can tell from your IP that you live somewhere in Saskatchewan, and that's not too fucking far from Michigan. I got friends on Uncyclopedia! When I find out your address it's going to be time for another AXEM roadtrip, motherfucker!

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Appleton-Soames, Billybob. Charles Sumner was Gay (1st Edition, ACSM Press,1994)
  2. Appleton-Soames, Billybob. Charles Sumner Rigged his Senatorial Elections (1st Edition, AXEM Press, 2005)
  3. Appleton-Soames, Billybob. Charles Sumner Systematically Murdered the Lincoln Family (1st Edition, AXEM Press, 2002)