Cass Corridor
| Detroit | |
|---|---|
| Motto: "Wine! Give me some wine!” | |
| Civic anthem: "Hotel California" | |
| State | Michigan |
| Official nickname | Goin' down, The corridor, and the Dalley |
| Official language(s) | DetroitSpeak |
| Mayor | Limy Dave (Died in the 70's, but no one noticed) |
| Currency | Wine, clean needles |
“Going to California? - Yeah, sure you are...”
Cass Corridor also called New Center Area by dorks who are generally not citizens of Cass Corridor city-state. Apologetically wedged in between a second-rate university and Detroit's propped-up empty downtown, this area is home to the largest collection of armchair revolutionaries and winos in the civilized world. The Cass Corridor is widely recognized by the United Nations as a unique city-state, totally divorced from the surrounding City of Detroit. A large body of opinion holds that the Cass Corridor is a large soul-sucking vortex of fathomless despair from which there is no spiritual escape.
All Corridorians wish they lived in San Fransisco or some other such outer perimeters of Dante's Inferno. Inhabitants attempting to escape are reminded by their friennemies and fellow inmates, "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave..." Like elephants, Corridor inhabitants always return to their mass grave yard to die, usually penniless on the sidewalk in a puddle of their own puke, begging for wine. Life in the Corridor has become more apocalyptic since the annual art fair was canceled in 2008. The Corridor's main feature is the annual "Dally in the Alley", where winos, wide-eyed university students and disillusioned has-beens stare at each other and commiserate, then gradually get drunk together listening to over-amplified out-of-tune live music.
Cass Corridor citizens are all familiar with the dying words of their infamous poet and creator of the Corridor, Limey Dave, "[Wine! Give me some wine!]"
History[edit | edit source]
The Corridor was was not so much founded as it was found, or realized. Conceived of by the intrepid adventurer Limey Dave in 1964, the Corridor sprang fully formed out of his head and materialized in the shape we now see it in today. Realizing what he had done, Limey Dave lived out his life aimlessly wandering the streets of his creation, handing out bits of poetry on scraps of paper as a form of penance. Henry Normile briefly became mayor after the death of Limey Dave, but passed away shortly thereafter during an unfortunate misunderstanding about drugs. Since then there has been an unspoken, tacit agreement amongst the citizenry that Limey Dave is still mayor and is less likely to disturb the fabric of unreality than an actual living mayor. Through the ages, several eminent philosophers have speculated that the Cass Corridor is the center of the Universe, chiefly based on the concept that nature abhorres a vacuum.
Its now vanished contemporary, Plum Street was too small and close to Detroit to survive.
The Future & Past Cass Corridor[edit | edit source]
Many reptilian-like speculators and entrepreneurs have attempted to squeeze money and power out of the corridor, most of which have ended up as followers of Limey Dave. The "Speculators Wheel of Despair Ball" takes place annually at select unknown sites by invitation only. Little is known what goes on at these events, but the temporary absence of stray dogs in the area during their get-together has been the fuel for much speculation. Be that as it may, most Corridor citizens are instinctively aware that the Cass Corridor has no actual future in the abstract sense of the word, and contrary beliefs lead to voluntary banishment. It is generally thought that dogs are in some way associated with this.
The Golden Age (1964-1979)[edit | edit source]
Historians of any repute unanimously agree that few eras have had such impact on civilization as a whole was the Golden Age of the Cass Corridor. During this time, more alcohol, drugs, suicides, and attempted escapes occurred than at any other time in the history of the known Universe. It is generally agreed that more words were spoken and more dogs chased their tails in this compact city-state than ever recorded anywhere else. New students at the nearby university often salute this era by repeating the immortal words that were formulated by the tireless efforts of the Golden Era citizenry's exhaustive research: "I can't wait to get the fuck outta here!" Well, good luck with that. Corridor citizenry are by and large considered invisible by the larger Detroit metropolitan area, and few of them ever venture any further than the closest outlying suburbs, such as Ferndale and Royal Oak which have to some degree become outposts for the more adventurous citizens. Strangely enough, the city of Detroit appears largely invisible to the average Corridorian. It is rarely spoken of and never visited."Detroit is a shit hole. It's nothing but dumpy ass blocks with 5 houses on each street..." as the saying goes.
The non-existent present[edit | edit source]
It is virtually impossible to wrap one's mind around the concept of a 'present Cass Corridor', and the effort usually results in a drunken rampage and a splitting morning-after headache. If one attempts to question a citizen about the present, they typically start to gibber, spouting incoherent babblings and gesticulating pointlessly with their hands. Others simply fade away as if made from the stuff of dreams. Documentarians are well acquainted with this phenomenon and explicitly ignore the problem altogether. The only somewhat coherent statement about the Corridor's present comes from barely legible words anonymously puked onto an alley wall: "It's Limey's dream, dickhead"
Economy[edit | edit source]
Want to start a band? Become an artist? Recreate the World? All these dreams can be yours in the Cass Corridor. The fabulous fantasy world one can create in the mind is yours to have in the Cass Corridor, which has made this industry the biggest in the whole Detroit area. Many promising graduating students from the local mediocre university go to ground here spinning a whole lifetime industry of dreams. Later, you can move to the inner suburb of Ferndale where you can go along to get along. It is a well known fact that ounce for ounce, the Cass Corridor's dream economy excels over Detroit's by several magnitudes.
Cass Corridor Landmarks & Tourist Attractions[edit | edit source]
- Glance up at students windows, watch them study
- Enjoy conversation with drunks at the bar
- Enjoy conversation with drunks in the street
- Get panhandled
- Walk through a desolate, badly designed university campus
- Figure out the boundary between the Corridor and Detroit
- Try the few mediocre restaurants available
- Highest concentration of white people in the area
- Stand on an empty street at night and feel depressed
- Imagine moving to San Fransisco
- Visit the College for Creative Studies