Call centres

A call centre in full swing

Call centres are an invention that cause countless numbers of Briton’s irritation everyday. From automated messages that tell you, you have won a cruise to the Bahamas for 2 weeks, free of charge if you deposit £200 each into a Swiss bank account, to irritating women called Paulette who are trying to sell you double-glazing. These calls take up valuable time during your rather hectic day when you could be sleeping, eating, watching TV, or downloading porn. Thank goodness for broadband, otherwise these phone calls would be affecting the ability to slowly download images, pixel by pixel.

Call centres were first created by Alexander Graham Bell. After making the first Telephone call ever in history to his assistant Thomas A. Watson saying:

"Mr. Watson -- come here -- I want to see you."

He then rang Mr. Watson again, this time saying:

"Mr. Watson -- it's Alexander again -- would you like to buy some double glazing."

It then turned out that yes, Mr. Watson did want to buy some double glazing, and that he was interested in the exciting deals Mr. Bell was offering, and thus, the call centre was born.

Call centre placement:

Due to legislation passed in 1984 by John Major, it is illegal for people with understandable accents to work in call centres. Originally to get around this all new call centres were opened up in the north of England, in places like Liverpool and Manchester. However all of the local workforce not on disability allowance (about 10% of the total population of northern England) were soon employed in call centres, so new call centres had to be opened in Scotland. This only worked for a while, as due to the harsh winters in Scotland 33% of the population dies every year. There are also many call centres in Wales as unwed teenage mothers need an income to support their babies and Legal and general need to recruit new slaves every six weeks to replace those who have been worked to death. New call centres are now opened in India, where the only risk of death comes from being run-over by Elephants and eaten by Tigers. Originally call centres were opened in Britain, as there was an excess of unemployed graduates who had begun to revert to hoodies. Call centres both inbound and outbound provided the perfect way to get them off the streets, off the unemployment statistics, and off the dole. Some inbound call centres don't ever actually receive calls from the general public, but are in fact constantly phoned by unemployed drama students.

How it works:

1. An employee is given a phonebook and told to have fun.
2. You receive a letter in the post, informing you that you have won £1,000,000 and to claim you must reply, sending in your phone number. This is then sent to as many people as possible, you receive no money and now receive calls about deep fat fryers, broadband and double glazing.
3. A very bored employee has been playing number lottery and in a very unlikely situation, has dialled a real number.

Support the call centre!

Could this be you in a few years?

On a slight different tack, I think it's high time the British population supported their call centres. However irritating they are, call centres now provide thousands of jobs for many all over the U.K. and the world. Supporting the call centre does not mean you must place all your money into said Swiss bank account, or get double glazing. It's just about time that someone informed these callers that they are doing a good job. Just think, that could be you sitting there in a few years time when you need money to pay for your large internet bill.

India:

Most of the call centre people that will (yes, will) ring you are Indian. It is a fact. And most of them will end up wasting your time talking about crap and trying to sell you some shit out-dated product that no one needs. That's why if you know that the caller is an Indian bullshit artist who doesn't pause between sentences, please hang the fuck up.

Example (in Indian accent)

Hello this Kartik from Harishanka calling may I interest you in offering you our hot vegetarian curry dish at the cheap price of $999.... beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....

Rules of Work

Do not talk, move, breathe, eat or pull silly faces because someone, somewhere, will take eighteen months to discipline you for it. Failure to comply will result in the business withholding pay. Since you haven't been paid for the three years you've got here, no harm done.

Call centres are places where people who like to take abuse at the hands of complete random strangers prefer to spend their time.