Bray
| aka Bray-Jing, Brayruit | |
 | |
| GENERAL INFORMATION | |
|---|---|
| anthem | 'Spend the Night in Bray'- Dustin the Turkey |
| currency | heroine |
| GEOGRAPHY | |
| county | Co. Bray |
| country | Ireland |
| DEMOGRAPHICS | |
| population | 4,000,000 |
| ethnic groups | Irish, Sidmonton Poshos, Scangers, Chinese, Polish, Knackers |
| GOVERNMENT | |
| government | Republic |
| president | Gen. John Brady |
“I went to Bray once when I was acting in a film. I'm an actor you see. Matt Damon, have you heard of me?”
“I thoroughly enjoyed Bray Head when I first visited the sea-side hovel”
“Down with the Florentine, up with the 'RA!!”
The largest town in County Wicklow, there are more people living in Bray than in the rest of Ireland itself. Birthplace of Feminist Dyke Sinead O'Connor and musician Bob Marley, Bray hosts the famous Pregnant Gargoyle of Shankill. In 1880, a band of knights led by warrior king George Lucas raided the village of Shankill and stole the villages famous land mark, the Pregnant Gargoyle. To this day, the county council of Shankill have fought to gain their Pregnant Gargoyle back, but have been unsuccessful due to Shankill's increased poverty rate. World famous TV show Going For Gold was filmed in Bray, and the town is believed to be named after presenter Henry Kelly.
Bray is the leading town in the high fashions of tracksuit wearing, and is known for being quite an exciting place on a sunny afternoon.
Bray is twinned with Belges in France and L.A.'s Skid Row.
The River Dargle is said to be the most polluted river in Europe this has caused Bray U.D.C. to call off Bray's annual "Gargle in the Dargle" where local residents would urinate in the river while drinking their favorite imported dutch larger.
In a Poll By local newspaper The Bray People, Bray was voted 112th best place to live in Ireland.
It recently seceded from the rest of Ireland to form it's own Independant Republic, The Republic of Bray. Dick Roche was elected President, only to be assassinated five minutes later after we remembered what a gobshite he is. He was replaced by John Brady.
Bray's inhabitants[edit | edit source]
Stuart Grant drives the town's local fire engine and Brian Murray Jr. runs the station with two of the finest firefighters in the country: Ben Doran and Ross Lally. Bray is well known for its many different types of inhabitants ranging from Scangers and Chinese to Polish and Old People. Bray welcomes many different races and cultures to the town (except prods from Greystones) and hopes that some day soon the kind people of Mars will RSVP their invitation. Everyone in Bray loves hash except John Brady.
Nursing Homes[edit | edit source]
The "Sidmonton" area is known as having the biggest elderly population in Bray with at least 12 and half old people within each square metre of the land. Scientists believe that Sidmonton is holy ground, where the elderly feed from the nutrients of the soil and manage to live forever. Every week new shipments of Filipino nurses are brought in by the truckload to work shifts in the vast cleaning halls of the nursing homes.
Thriving Local Business in Bray[edit | edit source]
Bray has produced throughout the recent recession period some of the finest local business campaigns. With the shop local in Bray scheme opening the Nirvana head shop seemed the obvious decision and prevent many youths and drug users alike from shopping for their needs in Shankill or god forbid getting the bus all the way into Dublin city.
A Cash 4 Gold office has also recently opened up in the town stopping criminals from selling their goods on ebay instead selling directly to this local business which is ideal to help improve the local economy.
Bray is the only town in Ireland that still uses the Irish Pound (Punt).This seems to be due to the fact nobody has left Bray since 1997.
B2[edit | edit source]
This area is home to Bray's richest people. Houses range from €4million to €36billion depending on colour. Top hats and money giving can be seen frequently throughout the day. The affluent youth chant their anthem down the streets, making sure no scum from the other sections of the town dare to cause trouble.
ANTHEM: B2 boys, this is us, we don't get the public bus, nah nah nah.. We wear Cantos, you wear Nikes, we drive Mercs and you rob bikes, nah nah nah.. We are safe, there's no scum, we get POVs to wipe our bum, nah nah nah.. Our gates aren't locked, there's no codes, 'cause we live on private roads, nah nah nah... College for us, prison for you, just like your Dad before you, nah nah nah... Rich is us, poor is you, that's cause we live in B2, nah nah nah.....!!!! Walking down the main street in Bray, you are likely to meet any one of the towns many motor mouths
Global Fruit Throwing Organisation[edit | edit source]
Bray is also home to the Global Fruit Throwing Champions - Shauna and Paul. They train, daily, at the peak of Bray Head through rain or shine. In an interview, Paul was asked why they chose such a place to hold their training and he replied "It's the closest thing to Mount Everest we have around here, the fierce wind puts up quite the challenge passing our fruits from one to another but that's how we roll, I mean... if we could, we would train in an immense gravity room but sadly NASA haven't created that facility for us yet..." They have been looked at as National heroes, they even have a book coming out called "Live and Let Fruit Throw" which is due out late 2009 and is expected to be sold to millions. Apart from being the champions of Fruit Throwing - they also enjoy soup, in a recent interview Shauna stated " Soup is incredible, it makes me feel soup-er" and then Paul and Shauna laughed.
Bray Head[edit | edit source]
The standard of head in Bray is excellent. For a mere €5 you can find yourself behind the band stand on the seafront with the toothless gob of a large gold hoop and tracksuit wearing local beauty wrapped around your member. Those gals provide the ultimate head service in the entire county and receive sponsorship from Brian Cowen himself. He is quoted as saying "I am positive that the cuts in welfare in the 2009 budget in favour of a tracksuit and cap allowance for the Bray Head Beauties Association, will bring massive change for the better in the county, and indeed all affiliated organisations countrywide"
Cuisine in Bray[edit | edit source]
Bray is known widely for its exemplary culinary outlets notably Leenos and its famed curry chip rolls and its buy 2 get one free offer which has inspired many young scanger drinkers. Bray is also widely recognised for the consumption of various brands of lager and has inspired the trend where cans replace wine with many inhabitants of bray enjoying premium lagers such as hollandia and bavaria with the famed 3in1's of the China Kitchen
Caps for Cuts Scheme[edit | edit source]
In the late nineties/early noughties Bray Town Council introduced a scheme where local youths could exchange their baseball caps for new trendy mullet haircuts in a bid to stop Brays ever growing greasy fringe problem. The local youths welcomed this new fashion statement, although teased at first the trend quickly caught on and can now be seen on local tearaways as far away as Shankill and Ballybrack.
Bray Music Scene[edit | edit source]
Bray boasts of having the "Lonely Planets" best bar in the world on its doorstep! The Harbour bar, run by the "Tool" family hosts a bustling music scene with live acts performing for scraps and sometimes for their very lives. Bands like "U2" and "The Bray Lakers Fakers" regularly play the haunt with starry eyed local acts such as the Peacan Trippers trying to get a break in their shodows.
To the other end of the sunny strand you will find an eclectic mix of acts playing the 2 main bars on the seafront. The Martello regularly hosts up and coming acts including the Dildo Sisters. It is always free in due to the broke nature of local residents and the fact that nobody in their right mind would pay for the experience..
Bray Summer Festival[edit | edit source]
Bray is home to one of the biggest summer festivals of the Leinster area.Visitors come from all over to partake in the crudely run festival rides and see the no pride no shame band rattle and hum.The death toll of this festival ranges from an average of 20-30 people a year,with most deaths occuring due to the bray head yeti species coming out of hibernation for the summer months to harvest organs.The airplane show that is held at this festival usually has been finished with due to no one caring.
The Republic of Bray[edit | edit source]
On the 6th of May, the local seperatist group, The Bray Knackers Front (or the BKF), along with their allies the Bray Illiterate Front (or the QGC) attacked the Civic Offices and declared Bray a republic. The Gardaí tried to take back the offices but were wiped by maltov cocktails and a big walrus name "CHUCK". This was quickly followed by the most detructive war of Independance EVER, in which over 10 BILLION died. Finally, on May 8th, just two days after it began, Bray officially became a republic. Fianna Failure member, Dick "head" Roche was elected president for some reason. Then all of a sudden, people remembered what a gobshite he is, and shot him only five minutes later. General John Brady succeeded Roche, whith CHUCK the Walrus as his Vice-President. Brady's first act was to declare Gerry Adams the Patron Saint of Bray.
Sight Seeing in Bray[edit | edit source]
- The Albert walk recently renamed 'The Albert Wok'
- B2 - Affluence.
- Fassaroe - Number one hotspot for the latest in fashion and design.
- Old Court - Market place for the towns large "Magicians Weekly Gathering".
- Seafront - Gaming machines, brothels, opium dens and mechanical animals to name but a few.
- Westfield Park - No parks or fields to be seen, and also positioned on the east side of Bray. Very confusing.
- Bray-Jing - Home to the wonders of the Chinese and Asian community. AKA - The Albert Wok
- Sidmonton Road- The "Tir Na N'Óg" of Bray.
- Back Beach - Visit the oldest collection of Cider cans in Europe
- Boghall Road - Birthplace of the Moustache
- Bray Dart Station - Watch as locals participate in balancing cigarettes behind their ears
- Macaris - Some say this wholesome fish and chips outlet is largely responsible for Bray's chronic obesity ratio. Others however believe it to be more notable for also causing, in 93% of customers, a brief but unstoppable acute diarrhoea bug.
- The BrayTrix, only visible to the inhabitants of Bray. It is believed that certain locals have obtained the ability to bend space and time and found ways to drink 25 hours a day.
- The Porterhouse/The Martello/Jim Doyles - The 3 in 1 of late bars. Watch as locals queue up to get their picture taken for Brays weekly newspaper "The Bray People"
- Deerpark - Not a deer in sight but if your lucky you may catch a glimpse of a horse tied to lampost
External links[edit | edit source]
- Wicklow - The County in which Bray is situated, originally named Co.Bray.
- Bray Town Council - Jester Council of the town.
- Bray People - The Diary of a Madman, parodies written about the lives of Bray-ians.
- Bray Jazz Festival - The annual 2 day Scatty-doo-boop-boop-shubidelibidoo festival.