Bad Mike Tyson
“I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children!”
Mike Tyson aka Abdul bin Salim Mohammed is a notoriously bad negro with a chip on his shoulder that even overshadows the grudge between his ears. Conceived orally out of wedlock to Cus D'amato, and seasoned in the ghettos and kiddie-prisons, he nearly extinguished himself by becoming the World Superweight Boxing Champion in all 27 different Boxing Councils, including the IBF, WBC, IGAA (Inter Galactic Athletic Association), Shaolin Quan, Supreme Ultimate Boxing Federation, Ring Magazine, and even Hollywood's Fight Club, where he threatened to beat Brad Pitt into a mangled pulp.
During his short but stout career he demolished some choice chumps, including a token Honky, racking up a string of knockouts to rival Jack Dempsey. After winning and unifying all the multitude of world titles he successfully defended his championship nine times before his weakness was discovered. During the height of his "reign of terror" Tyson's handlers alternately kept him suppressed between fights with elephant tranquilizers, which they would withhold and substitute with Nitroglycerin and Cocaine during his bouts.
His best fights were against some big bloods, most notably former champ Larry Holmes, who looked startled when he should have looked at Tyson, and especially his final shock defeat at the hands of nillion-to-1 underdog, Buster Douglas, who was the first boxer to ever throw a punch at Tyson. The famed "Douglas Punch" knocked Tyson out cold and cost him all his championship belts. Tyson later regained consciousness after three months and claimed to have taken a dive to please his investment-banker, Sir Don, King of Kleptopolis. But with the glass-jaw exposed Tyson's real career in people-shredding was effectively over. Everyone and their uncle knew that the best defense against Tyson was any offense.
“Everybody said he was invincible and nobody never even threw a single punch at him.
So I thought, 'go-on, man, take a poke!' And sure 'nough he was out cold!”
With nothing to do Tyson began to terrorize the planet, manifesting his Bad Nigger Attitude for exactly that. After losing a string of exhibition bouts along with all his money he became a born-again jail bird, and finally a tongue-tied comedian and voice coach who's most acclaimed for a Jimmy Kimmel skit of him teaching George Dubya Bush how to speak English. In other words: Tyson went from being the "baddest man on the planet" to being a pathetic clown whose funniest joke is himself.
To be totally spiteful - in line with Uncyclopedia's strict NPOV policy - this article opines that Tyson’s violent life and dick headed style are so perturbing that we will only give his story in outline form below. That way you can get this grotesque article over-with as fast as humanly possible.
- 1 History
- 2 Career in Boxing
- 3 Personal Life
- 3.1 Marriage to Robin Givens
- 3.2 Rapes Some Hot Bitch Who Has Enough Balls to Admit It
- 3.3 Goes To Prison
- 3.4 Has Mr. T as a Cell Mate
- 3.5 Loses the Baddest Years of His Career
- 3.6 Finds Allah in Jail
- 3.7 Divorce from Robin Givens
- 3.8 Gets Spider-web Tattooed on Face
- 3.9 Earns $300,000,000 in Career and Endorsements
- 3.10 Gives All His Money to King Don and a Litany of Bitches
- 3.11 Retires in Humiliation
- 3.12 Takes Up Career in Self Ridicule
- 4 Conclusion
- 5 Also See
- 6 References
Released from Reform School
Career in Boxing
Wins Golden Gloves
Misses Olympic Games
Joins King Don
Wins Superweight Title
Kicks Out Trainer Kevin Rooney
Defends Superweight Title 9 Times
Takes On No-body Buster Douglas & Loses All His Titles
Tyson v/s Douglas: See Tyson take the first punch ever in his career.
Marriage to Robin Givens
Rapes Some Hot Bitch Who Has Enough Balls to Admit It
Goes To Prison
Has Mr. T as a Cell Mate
Loses the Baddest Years of His Career
Finds Allah in Jail
Divorce from Robin Givens
Gets Spider-web Tattooed on Face
Earns $300,000,000 in Career and Endorsements
Gives All His Money to King Don and a Litany of Bitches
Retires in Humiliation
Takes Up Career in Self Ridicule
This Article is Almost Over
Mike Tyson is Still Loose
He Has No Idea Who You Are