Auchterarder

Locals protest against the G8 Summit being held in the town's Aytoun Hall.

The Arder of Auchter (Scottish Gaelic: Uachdar Gleann Eaglais) is a small town in central Scotland (with UK area postcode of G8) half way between Perth and Stirling, but a bit closer to Perth which is slightly more up market. For those even more well off than people in Perth, they choose to live in Auchterarder where driving a 4x4 is slightly more socially acceptable than in the city. Poverty stricken families have been known to have been evicted from the town, the most famous case being when Bob Geldof invaded the town during the Make Coldplay History campaign. It is also known as The Lang Toon to celebrate it's twinning with the town of Kirkcaldy in Fife. By far the best thing to do in Auchterarder is to go to Stirling.

History

The town is the ancient seat of the Mailer's Clan which grew to it's present size of c.17,500 after Robert Wiseman moved in and attempted to set up a dairy, although the majority of cows were massacred by retreating Jacobites in the early 20th Century. It was these Jacobites that were also responsible for the burning down of the town after General Craig Rossie was unimpressed to find a Chip Shop disguised as a Chicken Bar on the town's High Street. It used to be so big before the burning that it stretched as far south as Blackford and as far north as Mutt Hill, another reason it is referred to as the Lang Toon.

Nowadays the majority of residents now live in a large hotel called Ben Eagles to con tourists into thinking that Golden Eagles are found around the area. This was the case until the opening of the RAF Strathallan which resulted the birds of prey being killed by overhead aircraft and trainee paratroopers. Someone once said that it's actually from the gaelic Eaglais which means kirk (a church to English people, of which there are a couple of here) but the local falconry centre have branded this as ridiculous and a viscous, scandalous attack on the area.

More recently, Auchterarder has been in the news after riots emerged after the G8 marches in the town. These occurred after a local Mailer claimed that the wealthy residents of Muirton were going to Tescos in Perth to do the shopping instead of giving the needed money to the local economy.

The Town

Auchterarder is a shoppers paradise and has the most antique shops in one place within the UK. Nothing younger than 1900's is permitted into the town and even the petrol station still has an attendant. Any car with a registration plate younger than a 'C' will be towed by Perth & Kinross Council or sent for scrapping in the middle of the A9.

Sport

If you plan on going to Auchterarder, bring some golf clubs and a snow shovel.

Golf

• The towns main course, Auchterarder Golf Club, also has three courses the slightly less classy Joker's Courses (aka ); King's Course, Queen's Course
• Ben Eagles plays host to the Burger King Woman's World Championship every year.

Snooker

• World Snooker Champion Stephen Hendry lives here and invented the game in the Star Hotel in 1964 after coming to the conclusion that American Pool was shite.

Football

• The local football teams are St Johnstone, Stirling Albion and Dunfermline. Hence the reason everyone is either depressed or supports the Old Firm.
• Most inhabitants are prone to claiming their own lives due to a lack of intelligble existence for these teams.
• It is a common item of trivia that all players that currently play for the teams are either immortalised as zombies or died at least 200 years ago. This also explains the quality of skill within the teams.

Deathwish Derby

• The place offers a fine junction to the west of the town where you can play Russian Roulette with your car on the A9, the worlds longest road.

Fighting

• Due to the combination of violent residents and a singular long street, Auchterarder is uniquely suited for re-enacting side scrolling beat 'em up videogames like Double Dragon, Final Fight and Streets of Rage (which was released in Auchterarder as "Mellow Street"). If a combatant manages to walk from The Niblick to the town outskirts without having all his teeth knocked out, he is given a king rib supper and a letter of commendation from The Queen.

Noteworthy Residents

'The Lollipop Woman' (a.k.a Granny G) Has been successful in gaining a fearsome reputation in her relatively short rein as the towns resident crossing attendant. She is often confused with the incredibly polite and courteous Grandmother Greer, who works as a till attendant in the local supermarket, the lollipop woman is in actual fact her evil twin. As the story goes, they were separated at birth as the twins parents had tragically ran out of room in there home, with the pair bringing the total of offspring up to an eyebrow-raising 62, they had no choice but to donate the weaker of the pair for medical research. It has been said they received a total of 12p. However it was at the local medical research facility that things began to turn strange. After a series of routine tests and scans, to the amazement of the doctors, it appeared the specimen had extremely strange bone structure and chemical make up, making her up to 6x more durable than the average human. Despite the governments best attempt to keep their astounding discovery under wraps, it wasn't long before the American Government had caught wind of their findings, and began a covert mission to acquire the supergreer for their own ends. After an extremely costly and failed rescue attempt by the American marines (It is believed future green beret and recipient of the congressional medal of honour 'John Rambo' was part of the elite extraction squad) the Americans made an open bid to the British for the supergreer. A sum of 6 Billion US dollars, and 32 magic beans was agreed by both sides, on the condition that any significant discoveries made would be shared between both sides, a condition that was duly ignored by the Americans. After Nurturing the supergreer into adult hood through a series of military drilling and brainwashing the Americans came to possess their first and only fabled 'Supersoldier' Just in time for the Vietnam War. This came to prove vital, becoming beyond doubt the American military's greatest asset, her unparalleled skill with her 'Widowmaker' (A machette duck-taped to the bottom of an M16) in the initial stages of the war proved crucial to the American advance, and to this day leading military tacticians believe that if it wasn't for the loss of her left leg in the final battle for saigon that the US would have won the war outright. After the war and the completion of the worlds first bionic leg, she became an elite assassin. Working for Both the CIA and FBI in tandem. As well as completing several rumoured special operation abroad, such as the assassination Princess Diana, it has been controversially leaked by the vatican that it may have been in fact, the supergreer in disguise, on one of her suspected freelance missions that assassinated John Lennon, on behalf of the Christian church, who became outraged after his famous ' bigger than jesus' quip and sought to hire 'the best in the business'. In the early 90's during a skiing trip in Switzerland with Future newscaster and lover at the time Trevor McDonald the supergreer suffered a horrific accident, banging her head on a rock after a failed attempt at the worlds first quadruple back flip on snow. As a result the years of brainwashing and military training unravelled in a flash, and after 3 weeks in hospital, she and Trevor Returned to Britain. Trevor stayed in london to pursue a career as a car salesman while the supergreer purchased a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and made her way back to Scotland to be reunited with her family, where she still lives (happily-ish) to this day.

So kids, spare a thought before you judge grumpy old women, for there may in fact, be more to them than meets the eye.

'Mad Heather' aka 'The Womble Woman' is another of the colourful characters to frequent the streets of Auchterarder. Unlike the well documented history of Grannie Greer, her's is shrouded in mystery. However, Local historian Cyrill Thompson has put forward some extremely convincing theories about her back story, and how she came about to grace the quaint little town of auchterarder with her Residency. Thompson's in depth (ish) research has unearthed some very strange facts indeed, first and foremost being her involvement with the violent controversy surrounding the original 'wombles' To you and I, the wombles are merely a fond childhood memory, some light hearted entertainment. In fact, the truth is far, far darker. [to be continued, going to get drunk instead of writing any more of this filth, its going to be funny though, dont worry.]