Local

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The King of Locals, Mickey Dora, surfs Malibu in the late ‘60s.
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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Local (Surfer).

“MY WAVE!”

~ Local’s mantra

“Local” sounds just like an ordinary word, such as local, but actually that 'local' and the local (Surfer) being described in this article are really quite different. A local is a native surfer who actually lives in the surf break or on the beach; and who was born on the ocean side of any coastal highway. No one else qualifies.

An example of a bogus "local" (kook) could be a part-time surfer who lives anywhere within the Inland Empire in Southern California. They might say “I’m a local!” just because they live an hours drive away from the beach. But that is actually a misleading lie. Because, in fact, far from being a “local” they are worse than kooks,[1] because they’re not locals.[2]

Only a real local is qualified to read this article. And any local who reads this will certainly utter the cry, "My page!" - then proceed to stomp the arse of any kook who tries to read it too. So kindly proceed with caution. Or better yet, just completely stay away from the beach all together.[3][4]

Definition[edit | edit source]

Mickey Dora, the “Anti-kook”, who was predicted thousands of years ago by the Father of Surfing, Duke Kahanamoku in his famous Quatrains.

A local is, by definition, a native surfer who actually lives on the beach. Not just in a beach town, but actually resides, 24 hours a day, on the beach. A local will never venture away from the ocean or beach zone designated "Local" (which, basically, means never crossing over to the inland side of any Coast Highway), because they run the real risk of no longer being a local, and instead they become worse than kooks, because they were locals, but now they’re apostate Inland Kooks! And, in the world of surfing, an infidel inland kook is worse than a great white shark. Not because they’re dangerous, but because they're NOT locals. [5]

Difference[edit | edit source]

The main difference between a local and a kook, apart from far superior surfing skills and rightful ownership of the waves, is that the kooks are NOT locals. And we have already explained just how terribly terminal that is. In fact, among surfers, a non-local is much worse than a dog in Varanasi, India, or even an ABBA fan.

Locals vs. Kooks[edit | edit source]

Kook pushed rudely off his board by Local Dog.

Locals are the best surfers. They are also the biggest dick heads to ever reside on planet Earth when it comes to their inter-action with inland kooks, whom they detest. If an Inland Kook (non-local) arrives in some imitation “woody”, pulls up at the beach, and even “thinks” about taking the surf boards off the top of their van, they are immediately met with icy-stares and mean looks by the locals, who virtually DARE them to try and paddle out.

Inland kooks, and worse[edit | edit source]

Non local kook spotted by local using a “kook-o-scope", which shows kooks in red (locals appear blue when viewed through a kook-o-scope).

And if some inland kook, disguised as a local, happens to get into the surf line-up, they are immediately told to "leave the area, because there is a Hammerhead Shark swimming around!" AND this is the Locals break, where strictly "no kooks are allowed to catch a wave!", which only a genuine local is permitted to ride. Normally warning signs are placed on the local beaches which clearly warn, “Beware of the Locals!!!”

Warning to non-locals and other riff raff[edit | edit source]

So if a kook gets stomped by some locals, for not being a local, then they can only blame themselves for being so low in the surfing world, that they’re not a local. Bear in mind that being a "local" is primarily by birth right, and anyone born on the inland side of any coastal highway can never be a real local (unless they pay for the beer OR have good shit, or both).

You[edit | edit source]

Most people who might read this are kooks who are so lame that they live 3 hours away from the beach, or worse, they live very far from any ocean. If they live more than 6 hours away from the beach, then they’re so uncool, that even inland kooks will kick their arse. Worst is if they live in the middle of no-where (like Las Vegas), then they'll never even see the ocean. And, God-forbid, if they are not even a surfer (which is impossible for a local to comprehend), then they’re such a kook as to be beyond belief - and, therefore, their very existence will be denied by any local.

Qualifications of a local[edit | edit source]

There are many rules attached to being considered a bona fide Surf Local, but the following four rules are paramount:

  1. Must be born on the ocean side of any Coastal Highway.
  2. Must be a brave and insane surfing expert.
  3. Must know precisely what IS a "kook".
  4. Must banish kooks.

Local Jargon[edit | edit source]

  • GOOD: Bitchin, Cool, Tits, Tits-UP, Outta-sight, All right, Cream, No shit, Dude! My wave!
  • BAD: Bummer, Flat, Creeped-out, No-where, Uncool, BS, Kooked-out, Yuck, Crap, Screw-that, No, dude! My wave!

Interaction among different surf-beach locals[edit | edit source]

Although generally speaking a local from Swamis would get along with a local from Rincon or even Malibu. BUT, the fact is that their interaction can best be summed up as follows:

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

So Uncyclopedia, which knows of all truths in every branch of life, must clearly warn all non-locals to stay away from every and any beach on Earth, because at the sea shore, “Locals Rule!” And if you don’t believe it then just try to paddle out at, say, Malibu, where all the five generations of locals follow in the footsteps of their fearless leader, “Daa Cat” – the totally awesome Mickey Dora. And they'll pull your teeth out with a pair of pliers![6]

Advice[edit | edit source]

Uncyclopedia’s advice to all kooks and non-surfers is, if you happen to visit the sea shore, don’t be so foolish as to take a surf board, or, your ass is grass. Because you’re NOT local, and, God knows, Locals Rule!!

How to avoid getting "stomped" by locals[edit | edit source]

Although there are a large number of ways to avoid trouble with surf locals, still, using the most advanced computer technology available, and sorting through all historical data on surfing, the conclusion is that all these methods can be summed up in the following advice:


Mind THIS sign[edit | edit source]

Like, NO kooks!

References[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ According to Jerry Lopez, a "kook" is anyone who doesn't know what a "kook" is.
  2. ↑ Sex Wax ad campaign blurb, April 2009
  3. ↑ If you're a kook then please, PLEASE exit this page as quietly as possible!
  4. ↑ Uncyclopedia Surfing Council, 2010.
  5. ↑ "ODDS Magazine", When there are NO odds, Don’t Paddle Out, KOOK!! - Jan 1999
  6. ↑ Surfer Magazine’s Ultimate Solution, NO KOOKS!

Also see[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]

If you're awesome, then read again, and shout, "My PAGE!"
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