Analrapist
The analrapist is an interesting job choice. It combines the expertise of both an analyst and a therapist. Analrapists are still rather uncommon in the professional medical field, but their popularity is steadily growing.
Training[edit | edit source]
It takes only a few years of college to become a professional analrapist. Since one of those professions involves basic math and the other one you can just make shit up, professional analrapy is becoming more and more popular for college dropouts with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.
The physical training necessary to become an analrapist, however, is so much more rigorous than Delta Force and Mr. Rogers combined that it just might make your head explode. They have to run, jump, swim, steal, kill, run some more, crazy 8's, double ups, sitting parrotfuckers, jumping jacks, jumping jack flashes, jiggle-town lullaby, the crazy corkscrew, the insane bottle opener, the mentally unstable soda can tab, insult Chuck Norris, beat up Steve Jobs (also known as the "rest" portion of the daily workout), fart silently, beat Devil May Cut Himself on Ass-rape difficulty in three hours, not masturbate ever again, and finally convince a nun to take her clothes off.Although not required,and analrapist can achieve a higher level of distinction,and thus,charge more per session,if they can launch a load of no less than 4 fluid oz,of their own semen,into their mouths without missing a drop.This must be done in the presence of at least 5 other analrapists,and is the only instance the abolition of masturbation can be circumvented.
History[edit | edit source]
The first known analrapist was Tobias Funke, who had an office located at 733 East Fifth Avenue, Cambridge Towers in Boston, MA. Tobias had many problems with his wife, who was a bitch, and the police shut down his small office in Cambridge Towers after a small misunderstanding about his business.
The Battle of Evermore[edit | edit source]
Analrapists fought long and hard at Evermore, which was a decisive victory for the Zeppelin forces in the Battle for Middle Uranus. After a morale-raising charge up the side of Plant Hill, Tobias Fünke and his crew of 17 drove back General Bon Jovi, pushing his troops into the Bonham River Valley. Fünke could now fire exploding sock puppets and shit at that faginator Don Henley, who was rallying his troops against the electric Joe Satriani. (The Battle of Evermore and The Battle for Middle Uranus redirect here.)
The Battle of the Bulging[edit | edit source]
Although not technically a military maneuver, analrapists worked very hard to get those cotton shirts wet enough to burst. Hehe, boobs.
The Yellow Turban Rebellion[edit | edit source]
Analrapists were noted to have fought in prime numbers and l3tt3r5 sp3ll3d w1th numb3rs on General He Jin's side during the Piss-Colored Turd Bin "Yellow" Rebellion in 184 A.D. They assisted Cao Cao in defeating Meatloaf at Jew Loo.
Today[edit | edit source]
It is a well known fact that most analrapists are also never-nudes, even though that is completely irrelevant. Analrapists can often be found in large cities like New York, Boston, Los Angeles, etc. Analrapists charge way too much for their services, and people more often than not walk out of an analrapist's office more confused/depressed than they were before.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Many have rightfully begun to question the exact practice of analrapy, as it is still very uncertain what analrapists do. Many analrapists themselves do not know what they are supposed to do, so they generally say what people want to hear or they just talk in circles for a long time, causing the person to stay longer and therefore pay more money. Analrapists recently were involved in a riot with FEMA for no apparent reason. An explanation was not given from either side, however it is likely that FEMA thought that a national emergency was close at hand, and they just made matters worse by throwing money and/or accusations at the analrapists. The breakout was covered on Channel 5's I'm-Witless News.
What the Future Holds[edit | edit source]
More analrapists.