Aleksandr Orlov

Orlov: could he really be the sexiest mammal alive? Well, duh...!

Aleksandr Fyodor Minsky (born 11 January 1961), better known by his stage name Aleksandr Orlov, is a Russian businessmeerkat best known for founding the website CompareTheMeerkat.com in January 2002, where various meerkats are compared against each other from around the world. Orlov has said he is irked by people mistaking his website for CompareTheMarket.com, claiming he cannot understand why meerkat is mistaken for market. Orlov has amassed a cult following, with over 300,000 fans on Facebook and a Twitter profile. He has also attracted some criticism for his controversial views on mongooses, which some have deemed offensive. In 2007 he was voted 3rd Sexiest Mammal Alive by a Discovery Channel poll coming behind fellow meerkat Flower Whiskers (of Meerkat Manor fame) and Caleb the Gorilla. Since both Flower and Caleb have since died it could well be said that Orlov is the sexiest mammal alive. However he has made clear his intention to remain a bachelor, despite being romantically linked with Justin Beeber, Rebecca Black and Katie Price.

Early life

Orlov was born into a Moscow meerkat colony, the Minskies, on 11th January 1961, his Russian father vladamir kolsak orlov owned a tractor factory and his mother Anna, was a renowned novelist, author of such works as Anna Meerkaterina (semi-autobiographical) and Lolita (some have foolishly claimed Lolita was written by Vladimir Nabokov. They are, of course, wrong). Aleksandr received his education via home schooling, his parents distrustful of state schools, since the mysterious disappearance of Leonid, Aleksandr’s elder brother in 1958. (See conspiracy theories surrounding the disappearance of Leonid Orlov for more information). On 20th October 1977,when Orlov was sixteen the Minsky burrow came under a brutal attack from rival mongoose clan, the Gnashers, headed by leader Luis Carrera (Spanish meerkats are sneaky buggers). In the fight, twenty-nine meerkats were killed, including Orlov’s mother and father. He only survived the onslaught because he slipped out for a quick snog with his then girlfriend Agata Zabinski. Orlov described his running back in to find his father dying in emotional detail in his 2006 autobiography:

"In the kitchen, I find father. He lays on floor, his clothes drench in mongoose piss, the smell overpowering him. I knew him didn’t long have left. Mongoose piss deadly poisonest known to mammal kind. Father last word to me as he lays dying on floor “Forgive the mongooses” Obviously delirious was he with pain, so I ignore foolish sentiment. Then I leg out"

Simples, the tale of Aleksandr Orlov Chapter Five, pg 64

After that, Orlov was adopted by his adult cousin, Vladislav Orlov and his orphaned siblings. To protect himself from reprisals by Carrera’s henchmen, Aleksandr took his cousins’ surname. Orlov’s cousins came from an old aristocracy family, and so they and Aleksandr lived in a grand mansion just north of St. Petersburg. Vladislav worked as the secretary for local businessmeerkat Allan Sugarayev, and it is from him that Aleksandr got his love of business, as well as letter openers and his meerkat nationalism. In 1979, the business dried up (there is not much call for sauerkraut in Russia) leading to the loss of several hundred jobs. The resulting protests led to Sugareyev and all the Orlovs being forced out of Russia, save for Aleksandr, who had the sense to put down his name as Minsky. As a result of Great Uncle Nikita’s curious will allegedly forged by Aleksandr), the young meerkat received the glorious Orlov mansion, which he owns to this day.

Presidency

In 2002, Aleksandr Orlov stood up for a seat in the Russian Government, representing Meerkovo. He was so popular that he stood up for presidency in 2004 and won. He was the President of Russia for 6 years,until 2008, when he was drugged by Vladimir VII the Putin's henchmen and sold to The Socialist Republic of Scouseland's Advertising Team for 100, 000 Crumpets and 23 Scones.