“Please don't hurt my children! Here's ten grand like I promised!”
“Fuck off you girl!”
“Right, that's it!”
Herr Generalissimo Steppenfürher Adrianos Edmondsoni Von Klinkerhoffen de Bootz, (Ade to his friends, Sir to his enemies) a man to be feared and respected. A man without boundaries that stem back to his wholly German routes (although he tends to keep his blood-relation to Adolf Hitler quiet). Ade keeps himself busy with a number of past-times such as extortion, blackmail, kidnapping, murder and the odd light-entertainment sitcom.
Ade kidnapped his first victim at the tender age of 13 weeks old. Using a hat-pin and a nappy full of shit he managed to successfully kidnap and hold the milkman hostage until he agreed to bring an extra bottle of chocolate milk to their door at no extra cost.
At 6 years old he installed a hidden camera in his primary school Headmaster's room and recorded his illicit affair with the school gerbil. With this footage he was able to extort several thousand pounds and ensure that he never had to do homework until he was 11. Furthermore, after recording additional footage of the headmaster with a bicycle pump he was able to get a free limo-drive into school each morning.
At 13 Ade suddenly decided that he hated school and couldn't understand why he had to do all of the work. So, in a masterstroke of genius, he staged a coup and put all of the teachers and the headmaster out onto the school fields to be shot. Now in charge, Ade declared himself El Generalissimo de Presidenté of Yorkshire-Downs Secondary School and gave himself A* marks in every assignment and essay. He left at aged 18 their star pupil.
Meeting Rik Mayall
When he was 21 Ade successfully blackmailed the headmaster of the University of Manchester (with a set of polaroids Ade had taken of him leaving 'Da Basement of Ladyboys') to enrol in studying Drama. It was there that Ade first met future partner Rik Mayall.
Ade was initially a little wary of Rik, but soon became more comfortable in his presence and quickly became his old self, threatening Rik whenever he could with knives, books and other blunt instruments until he handed over his dinner money. Rik and Ade soon became very close friends.
People always used to laugh when Ade gave his new friend a jolly savage beating in the university corridors (out of fear more thsn anything), so much in fact that Ade decided to turn it into a stand-up comedy routine. Settling at the 'Club De Bollox' in London, each performance would start with light banter, a witty joke, and then a savage near-death beating. Audience numbers were consistently high and soon attracted the attention of comic-wannabe and annoying tit, Alexi Sayle. Ade leapt onto this opportunity, killing Alexi's wife and shitting in his goldfish bowl as Rik sorted out all the other details.
Soon Rik began having great ideas for comedy shows and plays, never failing to give Ade total credit and all rights along with 100% of the takings. Initially Rik did voice concern but soon changed his mind when he awoke from the coma 6 weeks later.
Currently Ade has no family, each one vanishing mysteriously.
Marmalade Edmondson - Mother. She was a wrestler who bent iron bars with her teeth for a living. Disappeared after Ade bought a lottery ticket and only got two numbers.
Eddie-wina Edmondson - Sister. On the left is the only known photo of Ade's sister, 'Eddie-wina'. She disappeared one night in 1995 shortly after Ade received a phonecall from Rik telling him that the BBC were not going to take on the TV series' 'Bottom' for a fourth series.
Meows - Family cat. Disappeared when Ade was asked to make the tea. He served up, 'Meow Mein'.
SPG - Ade's pet hamster. Regularly ends up in the toaster.
Ade also has a small begonia pot plant that he waters every night (only because he cannot be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory).
Adrian doesn't complain about his job and those who work for him know better than to (the last person who voiced a concern ended up becoming part of the cementwork at the local construction site). Adrian has the potential to go far in his line of work but, because he just can't be bothered to, he's focused his work in London despite being based in Cornwall.
Adrian currently has 17 politicians to work in his best interests, the victims of an elaborate blackmail sting in which Adrian forcibly rented out Rik Mayall's arsehole in return for lots of cash and then secretly filmed the resulting mess. This has also loaded Rik with enough blackmail material against himself to make the tea for Adrian for the next 3,739 years.
Currently Adrian is also holding hostage 169 people, all connected family-wise with various connections within the enterntainment industry. If one of Adrian's ideas doesn't get turned into a TV series then the local kebab shop will be alright for meat 'til the end of the week. Because of this there are a number of TV shows on today that were a direct proposal by Adrian (and by proposal I mean, "Make this into a show or your brother will be slowly bent backwards until his head's stuffed up his bum!").
- Holby City (He loved the idea of being able to administor pain with such authority so much that he created the part of Abra just for himself).
- Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow
- Big Brother (Adrian is Big Brother himself).
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Deal or No Deal (Adrian is the Banker).
- Loose Women
Adrian didn't much care for the program ideas, he just enjoyed the idea of inflicting pain onto the whole country.
Adrian is quite the quiet person in his spare time, and his hobbies reflect this passive lifestyle. He enjoys going out for long walks (usually with a heavy object wrapped in a carpet that's then thrown off a cliff or bridge), writing numerous letters (using the print from dozens of local and national newspapers), photography and video work (CCTV, hidden microphones... you get the picture) and the standard daily beating to anyone who's just unlucky enough to get in his way at the time.
Adrian's Watching You
He knows where you live, <insert name here>. He knows what's in your bank account and is impressed by what he sees. He wants his share. Expect grainy photos of your visit to the local knocking shop to arrive in the post very soon...