Adam Conover

Hey, turn me around! I can't even see the article when I'm looking this way!

Adam Conover, born as Adam Comb-over, (1852-2018) was a stupid man who would constantly ruin things that we would know as true.

Actually, you got that wrong!

Oh no, don't tell me you're...

Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this is Adam Ruins Everything.

Now, my name is Adam Conover, but I wasn't born in 1852, or die in 2018, because with that arbitrary timeline, you would've made me 166 years old, 44 years LONGER than the oldest person to ever exist, Jeanne Calment. I was really born in 1983, and I'm not stupid, I mean, sure I was the only family to never get a PhD, but I got a bachelor's in Philosophy at Bard College, the same college Jonah Hill went to. Plus, what do you mean "we would know as true"? Those things are false.

Ok, sure, whatever. Let's just continue on.

Early Life

Fine, Adam Conover was born on March 2, 1983, the same day as International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day. In Boobersfield, Western New California to Arnold Pinkinlooper Conover, a hillbilly, and Marie Mario Conover (née: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), a poop-scooper.

Wrong again, there is no such thing as Western New California, and if there was, it would be called West New California. Plus, Boobersfield, really? There's no city in the world named that. It's also rude of you to call my parents that, my dad David Conover is a marine biologist and was Dean of the School of Marine and Atmospheric Sciences from 2003-2010. My mom, Margaret, on the other hand, is a botanist. I also have a sister, Emily, who holds a PhD in particle physics. One final thing, Uncyclopedia's example of Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day is of Guy Fieri, who isn't actually a cartoon character! However, he did play a character on Phineas and Ferb, which was a cartoon.

Thank you, that's much better!

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Here's the genderflipped illustration of Guy Fieri I was talking about. It's a nice drawing, but Fieri's just not a cartoon character!

Career

Err! Alright, ok. Adam Conover... uh... Created the mind-melting, brain destroying, show: Adam Ruins Everything on fakeTV, where he... kills black people and... kisses... Hitler?

Man, you guys are uncreative. My TV show is on truTV and would never destroy brains, well, except for constant mind blowing *pew* Plus, the only person I would kiss, is my current partner, Lisa Hanawalt, known for creating the Netflix original, Tuca & Bertie in which, I actually play a character!

Oh yeah, which one?

*sighs* Big_Hairy_Stallion69.

Ha! Really?

Yes. Do you have anything else to lie about?

Let's see here... Adam Conover is a professional player of the mobile game, "Pimple Popper Lite" and has won over 100 Pimple Popper Lite esports tournaments..?

Come on, that was just a rhetorical device I brought up in a monologue! You don't ACTUALLY think I play that game, do you?

...

OK, maybe I do. But that's besides the point! Can you bring up something actually relevant?

Fun Facts About Adam Conover

Ooh, a fact sheet! I can't wait to verify these by consulting the appropriate sources!

Fact #1: Adam Conover can see through walls.

Actually, that was a misconception on the part of the scientist standing behind the one-way mirror I pointed at! I was pointing at my own reflection and telling it "I can see you!", but I didn't know it was a one-way mirror with someone observing me behind it. The scientist misinterpreted this as me actually being able to see him!

Fact #2: As a kid, Adam Conover found school so boring he used methamphetamine to pass the time.

First of all, I took Adderall which is composed of amphetamines, not methamphetamine. The two sound similar and methamphetamine is in fact a kind of amphetamine, but they aren't the same thing. Also, while Adderall did help me in regards to feeling bored during school, it was by letting me focus more, not focusing less and dissociating (or "passing the time" as you put it). That kind of behavior would have gotten me in a lot of trouble!

You know, these facts don't seem very accurate so far. Did you even try to fact-check these?

Fact #3: Adam Conover is very satisfied with the state of cable monopolies in the United States.

[REDACTED]

What?

[REDACTED]

Let me try changing the subject.

The Orb Incident

Oh god not this again.

Ahem. The Orb Incident started when The Orb approached Adam Conover to propose a sinister business deal to him on a dark and stormy night. The Orb, levitating before Conover, scanned his eyeballs and handed him about 5 dollars in exchange for his promise to spread the message of The Orb forward and expand its kingdom. A man of truth like Conover would surely never succumb to such evil, which begs the question; Why the fuck would Adam Conover make a sponsored video for The Orb?

I don't have an answer for you. Would you like to try making one up yourself?

No, I quit.

See also

• Richard Pryor