Wheeling Jesuit University/Buildings/Acker Science Center
The Acker Science Center is a multipurpose campus facility on Wheeling Jesuit University having nothing to do with science. Instead, it focuses primarily on the continuing canonisation process for Robert C. Byrd.
History[edit | edit source]
Originally known as Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang's Domus Aurea, the building was constructed in 108 A.D. as a private residence for the emperor. Covering an area of 8,000 square metres, the grounds of the Domus Aurea featured a lavish topiary garden, massive life-sized statues of the emperor, and a magnificent fountain, while the interior featured a great hall, a smoking room, a meeting room, an underground chamber for secret plans, and a multitude of other facilities.
The Domus Aurea fell into disuse when Fed Acker Huang was ripped from Normal Continuity, and went without repair for hundreds of years. The Dschinghis Khan Protectorate took steps to restore the building as a historical landmark, but protests against repairing the structure were so vehement that the project ceased. The building was torn down in 1471 to make way for a karaoke bar and steak grill.
The building was reconstructed during World War II by Father Rom, who used it to conduct "science" experiments on "willing volunteers". When Fed Acker Huang returned to power, the Acker Science Center eschewed all previous links with science but rather served as the New Domus Aurea of WJU. However, the Jesuit Emperor sought to confuse Allied intelligence, whom he was convinced was still spying on him. Instead, the centre was used to secretly house noted gangsta rapper Il Duce from his many enemies, under the request of James Cobb. Plans to expel Il Duce in 2001 were proposed by the Council of About Twenty Dudes and Two Hot Chicks, but this plan was vetoed on the grounds of "making too much sense".
When Fed Acker Huang was deposed, Acker Science Center was converted to a "people's palace", where it is currently used by the students for a variety of uses, least of all being an onion depot.
In 2005, a police car was found on the roof of the building. The Board of Governors attributed this bizarre phenomenon to the rise of extraterrestrial activity in the Wheeling area. The official word regarding this incident remains as "Bite me".
Modern Usage[edit | edit source]
After the Revolution, the Science Center was turned into a multipurpose facility. This building is unique in that it is the only place in the universe where Hell is actually located above physical reality. In this case, Hell is on the third floor, housing the infamous ITS conspiracy. The second floor has rooms where students are indoctrinated in the twenty-nine steps towards astral enlightenment. The first floor functions as a cafeteria and dormitory. The basement is home to the yearly festival of Saturnalia, where students throw over-sized novelty question marks at administrators, who attempt to dodge them while burning $20 bills.
The Acker Science Center is also home to The Kiosk, which was relocated there after a student rebellion burnt down their original store in 1959.
Stalin's Happy Fun Time[edit | edit source]
For a brief period, the Science Center was home to the famous television programme "Uncle Joe's Happy Fun Time" where a delightful Joseph Stalin shared many misadventures with a gang of misfit children. The show ran for twenty years, until Stalin was embroiled in scandal. Apparently, many of the children disappeared not only from the show, but also from all previous episodes they had been in. When the show ran out of children, Stalin was asked to move to the tundra of Los Angeles, where he started his show anew.
Wireless Computers[edit | edit source]
In late 513 A.D., the ITS department installed wireless networking in this building. However, to prevent excessive use of bandwidth, they refused to set up an antenna for transmitting and receiving wireless signals. This move was widely applauded in the administration.
Student Government[edit | edit source]
The biology labs routinely experiment on former Student Government participants - another great reason to sign up to be one today.