Wheeling Jesuit University/Groups/ITS
ITS stands for It Totally Sucks! The WJU handbook, however, mistakenly states that it stands for Information and Technology Services. This is clearly untrue, as ITS provides none of those things. They are sometimes referred to as CTS when names are changed to protect the obvious.
Location[edit | edit source]
ITS offices are located in Hell. They have a secondary office on the third floor of Acker Science Center.
History[edit | edit source]
The rapid technological advances in the 500s prompted the slaves of Wheeling College to form a department for the purpose of developing and implementing changes around the world. Thus, ITS was founded in 497 A.D. The department was responsible for the introduction of many conveniences in the penal colony's early days, including the village poop stick, the gibbet, and other useful machines.
ITS rapidly became a powerful institution due to its monopoly over college technology, and its use was quickly restricted to elites. The earliest rebellion against ITS is said to have occurred in 677 A.D. over the public access to microwave ovens. ITS demagogues declared microwaves to be "hazardous to the public, and their use should henceforth be restricted to patrons with large amounts of money". A group of about 400 slaves banded together to overthrow the ITS regime, but they were brutally cut down by government forces with laser weapons.
ITS was shut down 1352 by Sultan Orion of the Dschinghis Khan protectorate, and the monopoly of campus technological services was subcontracted to various officials within the sultanate. However, Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang revived the institution in 1984 as part of his campaign to return to the "good ol' days". ITS then became in charge of all computer-related affairs, the new cybernetics division, and various other classified operations.
The most recent rebellion against ITS took place in 2002, when ITS blocked all gaming ports in order to "protect the students". The rebellion came close to success with the capture of an ITS facility in October, but the ragtag force was subdued by Arbiters with the help of Residence Life. ITS generals were tried for war crimes during the Moskau tribunals, but they were let off due to "insubstantial evidence".
Services Provided[edit | edit source]
ITS primary purpose is to piss you off. In this regard, they are 100% successful. They hire student workers, who will occasionally help you put the Internet into your computer. They frequently make attempts to rule the world. Other than that, their agenda is quite fluid. Some guy wearing a cowboy hat walking around with a whole bunch of wires may fall into one of the aforementioned categories, but one can never be to sure is anything is going on, really.
Number of People Pissed Off[edit | edit source]
As of 29 January, 10:38 A.M.: 2,786
Subterfuge[edit | edit source]
ITS has been accused of many heinous crimes during its existence, but it has vehemently denied all of them. The official statement from the senior executives as always been, "We have never created cyborg assassins for any purpose, ever. Well, maybe a few times. Okay, so we actually did. But we don't do it often!"
Enemies[edit | edit source]
Because of ITS' alleged link to the League of Evil, its list of enemies is long. Particularly, those fiends at COSBI are a notable pain to deal with. ITS also despises Truth, Justice, and the American Way.