Wheeling Jesuit University/Buildings/Academic Resource Center
 | Adorno wants you to ponder this article thoroughly, and, of course, critically. |
|
The article you are looking at may not be not work safe! If a boss or Cow-orker saw this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are sated. |
 |
Minitrue mark article doubleplusungood crimethink. Miniluv remake goodthink fullwise. |
The Academic Resource Center, or the ARC, is a retirement home on Wheeling Jesuit University's campus, located in Ignatius Hall. The retirees living there are allowed ten to twenty hours of human contact a week; however, since most of the retirees despise humankind in general, this company policy is more or less a moot point.
History[edit | edit source]
The fourth president of WJU, Father Little, was only eight years old when he took the position offered to him by the university's Board of Governors. The members of the board were hoping that they could pull a "Last Emperor" kind of deal by searching for the youngest Jesuit priest in the land. Of course, Father Little ended up being more than a much for the stodgy members of the board, and he led WJU into a Golden Age.
Father Little was very concerned about the wellbeing of all his students. He noticed that by the time most students reached their third and fourth years of college, they were already turning 20, 21, and beyond. Father Little thus made a commitment to build a retirement home for these elderly folk. Thus, the Academic Resource Center was founded in 1960.
The Academic Resource Center was not very well received, as most of the students did not appreciate being called "old", even though they were. Father Little thus doubled-up and also made the Academic Resource Center a place where students could go for help with their classes. This move was marginally more successful.
The ARC currently continues to serve both capacities.
Employees[edit | edit source]
The Academic Resource Center Talent Scouts scour WJU's student body every year for the most crochety, uncooperative, bitter, disdainful, and pretentious students in order to fill the ranks of writing and subject tutors. In this way, tutors serve a dual purpose - they are sometimes actually able to help students, but they also replicate the mannerisms of old people.
ARC employees are among the most underpaid people on the planet. Two previous strikes for higher wages were brutally crushed by the Campus Gestapo, and a third one seems unlikely. ARC tutors choose instead to direct their bitterness regarding this issue towards their hapless tutorees. In Fall 2005, estimates of tutorees killed range from a conservative estimate of 12 to an unreported figure that may be as large as 80.
Foetus[edit | edit source]
Served at the ARC Annual Luncheon every year.
Sex[edit | edit source]
The ARC has a reputation for being a great place to have sex. Rumour has it that more disturbed elements of Ignatius would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night for the purpose of having sex in an academically conducive environment. Since no ARC tutor has ever had sex, much less on any of the furniture there, the official comment seems to be, "Your face reminds me of roadkill."
A motion to rename the ARC to "Kinkyland" was narrowly shut down by a Board of Governors vote of 4 to 3.
Culture[edit | edit source]
ARC culture is notoriously difficult to penetrate. Since long hours may be spent without normal human contact, most ARC tutors delve into pseudo-academia, which more or less ends up being insulting each other's majors. Occasionally, they will talk about sex. Less frequently, they will talk about dreams in which the speaker falls into a giant blender and dies. They have talked about badgers once.
Most ARC tutors are clinically insane, due to extensive training sessions that are specifically designed to drain one's life force.
 This page does not have enough templates.I hate the sight of them. |