50 Essential Survival Tips that Every Outdoorsman Should Know

We on Uncyclopedia pride ourselves in our (relatively) large population of wildlife experts, mountaineers, bushcraft dudes, crazy French mountain men from the nineteenth century, and skinwalkers. As one of the world's leading nature organizations, we are constantly asked questions about surviving the wilderness.

We're honestly sick of it.

Clueless suburban families, foolish amateur hikers, morons who try to climb Mount Everest despite barely being able to make it up their own hills, people who might as well be wearing shirts that say "PLEASE EAT ME", that's what all of you are.

Now, it's simple. You can read our list and become enlightened like the Buddha, or you can remain a bunch of crayon-eating idiots. Alright?

Our top 50 survival tips

1. Catching fish with your hands is incredibly difficult without training. Try to catch them with your feet instead. The smellier your feet are, the more fish you will attract.
2. Eat large amounts of rotting bananas and other diarrhea-inducing foods. That way, if you get lost, your diarrhea shit trail may lead you back to where you started.
3. Glaciers are natural slides. If you are stuck on top of a mountain, consider sliding down one... it's fun too.
4. Clothing, mats and hammocks can be made from your own skin. If you are worried that you don't have enough skin, find another person to steal skin from.
5. Clouds are smoke signals from God. Make sure to interpret them whenever possible.
6. Avoid eating wild eggs at all costs, unless you wish for a baby bird to hatch in your stomach.
7. Thick snow is difficult to tread without assistance. It is advised to build yourself a snowman, so that he can help you if you get stuck in the snow.
8. If you are sick and you encounter a mountain lion, a wolf, a bear, or any other large carnivorous animal, let it bite you. It's called acupuncture.
9. Eat your own shit. This provides you with an endless recyclable supply of food. Disgusted? Well, if the flies can eat shit, so can you.
10. Trap large amounts of mosquitoes in a jar. That way, if you encounter a large, dangerous creature, you can scare it off by releasing the mosquitoes. Make sure to feed the mosquitoes bits of your blood regularly, otherwise they will starve to death.
11. A boombox radio can easily be used to start a fire. Play really loud music on max volume and watch it burst into flames within seconds.
12. If you get lost in the woods, do not scream for help. Instead, bust out all your controversial opinions... chances are, someone will show up to argue with you. If that person is unwilling to help you escape due to the heated argument you'll inevitably get into, you can always eat them.
13. Bear spray works just like bug spray. Always make sure to spray it in your eyes, because you certainly do not want bears clawing anywhere near them.
14. If you're desperate for nutrition, eat your remaining pots, pans and silverware. Those are a good source of iron.
15. Cover yourself in dirt to make yourself less tasty. Bonus points if the dirt that you covered yourself in is full of worms, although this may attract nasty little birds.
16. The best place to build a shelter is dangling off the edge of a cliff, since most dangerous animals are afraid to get close to a cliff. If you fall off the cliff, just climb back up.
17. Bloodletting is a medical procedure that consists of letting small amounts of a patients blood drain to remove a disease from one's bloodstream. Why not take that to another level? Studies have shown that if you let all of your blood drain away, you'll never get sick again! Also, blood is scary.
18. Leave plenty of your food out for the animals to eat. This is how you gain their trust and potentially avoid being eaten.
19. If you feel too lonely, dig a pentagram into the ground and summon a demon. In this way, you have now found some company in the wilderness.
20. They're called bobcats because they're all named Bob, even the female ones. Remember this if you wish to avoid any conflict and confusion with these feisty felines.
21. Birds are descendants of dinosaurs. Big, scary dinosaurs. Certainly they have not forgotten their old prehistoric ways. If you wouldn't mess with a velociraptor, you wouldn't go anywhere near evem sparrows or woodpeckers.
22. Always start forest fires whenever possible; they make staying warm much easier.
23. Make sure to bring a large can of baked beans. Eat the beans to induce farting. Store all your farts in the bean can. If you get lost, you will now be able to use the bean can as a fart-powered jetpack and escape the wilderness.
24. During thunderstorms, make sure to stay at a high elevation, thus making you more likely to be struck by lightning. Contrary to popular belief, people rarely die from being struck by lightning; however, you may gain electric powers.
25. A compass is an extraordinarily useful tool, because it always points north, thus it can be used to find the North Pole. There you may search for Santa and determine if he is actually real or not.
26. A good survival shelter should have no roof, just in case the shelter collapses on you.
27. Lake water is dangerous to drink since dirt, parasites and other undesirable stuff can accumulate in it. Drink seawater instead; it is rich in salt and other vital nutrients.
28. "Air" is a slow yet deadly gaseous poison that is abundant in the earth's atmosphere. It usually takes about 80 years to kill people. It is advised to climb high into the mountains, where the concentrations of air are much lower.
29. Jack yourself off until you get erect, then chop half of your penis off, rinse and repeat. You now have an infinite supply of food. In survival situations, sometimes you have to do stuff like eating your own willy.
30. Go ahead and eat yellow snow. If Bear Grylls can drink his own piss, you then can drink animal piss, mixed with solid water. It also tastes surprisingly good.
31. The coconut nut is a giant nut; if you eat too much, you get very fat. Now, the coconut nut is a big, big, nut, but this delicious nut is not a nut. It's the coco fruit, it's the coco fruit, of the coco tree, of the cocotree, from the coconut family.
32. Sexual deprivation is much more of an issue than you think it is. If you have no fellows to fuck in the woods, then go out of your way to fuck the animals instead. It's called living a healthy sex life.
33. Make sure to carry a garden hose around, they are useful for preventing forest fires. You thought that firefighters had special hoses? Well, you thought wrong, kid.
34. Carry a really boring book around with you like The Old Man and the Sea. By reading it to bears, mountain lions, etc., you can put them to sleep, thus avoiding any threats posed by all of such creatures.
35. Disguise yourself as Sasquatch. That way, people will almost certainly go looking for you.
36. If you encounter a nuclear power plant in the wild, get as close to it as you can. Extra heads, radioactive brains, etc. can be very useful for survival. If you get the short end of the mutation stick, it probably won't matter all that much.
37. Speaking of radiation, nuclear war is always a threat when you're out in the woods. Did you know that squirrels have developed sophisticated atomic arsenals? They keep their stockpiles of nuclear weapons just underneath their winter acorn caches. Not much you can do to avoid rodent nuclear escalations, but it is something to be wary of.
38. Remember to simply rub two sticks together to make fire. Works just like how it does on TV.
39. It's hip to fuck seals.
40. If you're pretty sure that you've seen a wolverine in the woods, be super cautious, don't act up. They're probably more afraid of you than you are of them. But if you're pretty sure that you've seen Wolverine in the woods, you're likely hallucinating.
41. Speaking of that, always remember that all-consuming elder gods are more afraid of you than you are of them.
42. 

    Not an Igloo cooler, but close enough.
    If you're unable to build an igloo or whatever to survive a cold winter night, an Igloo cooler is a good substitute.
43. A rope is handy for keeping you away from dangerous creatures. Just tie a noose around your neck and hand yourself high up in a tree... that way, wolves, bears, rabid moose, etc. probably won't be your cause of death!
44. You're not you when you're hungry, so grab a Snickers.
45. Bring a lot of money with you... not to buy stuff with, though. Dollar bills work great as bandages and toilet paper. Hardcore survivalists should care little about money anyway.
46. If you encounter a mountain lion, make yourself look as big as possible. Not by standing as tall as you can, though. Push your belly out to make yourself look fatter; mountain lions don't like the taste of fat people.
47. Since the human body is 78% water, water can be extracted from your own body or from surrounding corpses.
48. Everyone knows that the Pope shits in the woods. If you encounter him, DO NOT disturb him. He is part of a fragile ecosystem that is constantly at risk due to human actions.
49. Avoid Australia at all costs. That place should be quarantined from the rest of the earth, This should be obvious, and yet 27 million people live there. They're all fucking lunatics. If you encounter anyone stupid enough to still live in Australia despite all the risks, try your hardest to talk that person out of living in such a place.

And last but not least...

50. Always remember: dying is gay. Your genitals are going to get eaten by all sorts of parasites and decomposers. Chances are, some of those parasites and decomposers are of the same sex as you. Yeah, really gay.