Why?:Take Your Fish To Work
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“ Give a man a fish, he'll eat for one day. Give a man a poison fish, he'll eat for the rest of his life! ”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.”
“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.”
“What if I gave a fish... A MAN?!?!?”
Take your Fish to Work Day, celebrated every January 8th, honors the long standing partnership between people (with jobs) and fish in the workplace. Started by the completely human owned and operated activist group "Humans for the Ethical Treatment Of Waterfowl" Take your Fish to Work Day commemorates the important contribution fish have made to the modern working environment. Although many poo-poo the man-fish relationship, HETOW, the fish and waterfowl group, contends that fish and waterfowl are, and continue to be, an important aspect of modern business.
What? I... I don't...
According to HETOW!, the activist fish and waterfowl group, fish and waterfowl have both made great sacrifices in the name of a better workplace. For decades, fish and waterfowl have been forced into the shadows of the workplace, simply because they can't survive on land.
Fish and waterfowl have been stepped on, eaten, abused, and even used as primitive slapping implements in some Nordic countries (that shall remain nameless) by the reigning mammals of the Earth for far too long. Fish and waterfowl have had their fill of the backwaters of the workplace, with no sources of income other than fraud and crime, or advertising for insurance companies, and
we they demand equal attention in the workplace.
You're asking me to do what?
Fish and waterfowl, who for years have granted wishes to kind fishermen willing to throw them back, demand their comeuppance! Before now, people have only scoffed at giving fish and waterfowl their fair chance at jobs! But now, HETOW has seized the day! Awake, my fishy brethren, and take what's yours! Equal workplace opportunities!
For as long as fish and waterfowl can remember, humans and every other mammal with paying jobs have been rubbing their fancy paper money in fishes' and waterfowls' faces! Well no more! We demand opportunity! We demand to have some spending money for those luxury items that we've been drooling over!
Please take a swim to the funny farm
HETOW has seen fish and waterfowl go without fancy cars and improved fish-bowls for FAR TOO LONG!
We They demand retribution! How many times in a given day have you seen a red snapper in a Road Rover? A lobster in a Lamborghini? A herring in a Hummer?
Fish and waterfowl have gone without the easier modes of transportation for thousands of years. For hundreds of years, fish have had to either swim, walk, or fly to wherever they're going. This, in the face of mounting evidence that fish and waterfowl have many occupations in which they would be far superior to humans.
I'm convinced, okay? Stop!
Fish and waterfowl have ten thousand times the endurance of any group of five thousand humans in terms of breath-holding and water-swimming. That's nearly twice as much endurance as five thousand elephants have against three thousand humans in terms of memory-retention. This makes fish and waterfowl excellent underwater bomb defusers, swimming teachers, and if you're in the mood, pirates! Also, who better than fish and waterfowl to judge whether a human's performance in a given quarter was "FOWL" or "NOT FOWL"? Post a guard of man-eating ducks outside the boss's room, just in case.
Really, I'm convinced!
HETOW, the world's leader in Fish and Waterfowl studies, has made Take your Fish to Work Day mandatory for any human not willing to become a slave when the dolphins inherit the Earth. You remember how the dinosaurs were wiped out? WHY DO YOU THINK THERE WEREN'T ANY DOLPHIN SKELETONS FROM THAT TIME PERIOD??? Yeah, that's right. We will throw a meteor at you if you don't give us jobs.
Wh- what now?
Dolphins are more clever than even the most clever of... look, they're very clever, okay? Fish and Waterfowl have been having secret meetings with dolphins for millions... billions... TRILLIONS of years, and so far they haven't led
us THEM wrong! I'M A HUMAN BY THE WAY!!! If you guys don't give Fish and Waterfowl jobs soon, the shit is gonna hit the fan. You think I was kidding about the dolphins?! They can write now! We have all the tools necessary to kick your soft, pink asses! All we need is a single glass of the Prometheus Serum.
Fish and Waterfowl don't have any ill will with humans. It's just that, ya know? Fish and Waterfowl have been left out of the program for so long now they're tired! They're sick of your selfish ways, mammals! Why do MAMMALS get to have all the fun? We want to be able to show off spiffy new leather jackets! We want to ride around in convertibles! We want to buy our girlfriends dinner! So please, take your fish to work today. You'll be glad you did. Also, don't forget about being dolphin slaves...
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
|Featured Why? Article|