User:WiWiJumbo/Rowdy Rod's Big Bible-Based Book Of Birds N' Bees For Bible-Believing Boys

Rowdy Rod's Big Bible-Based Book Of Birds N' Bees For Bible-Believing Boys is a sexual education book written by televangelist and conservative social commentator Rod Parsley and published in 2009. The book is written in a style intended by Parsley to "connect" with preteen and teenage males, the most obvious manifestation of which is the use by Parsley of an alter ego named Rowdy Rod.

Rowdy Rod is virtually indistinguishable from Parsley with two notable exceptions: Rowdy Rod is pictured wearing a generic baseball-type cap with the bill facing backwards and, for some reason, Rowdy Rod is depicted as wearing a large clock hanging from a chain around his neck in the style of rapper Flavor Flav during the heyday of Public Enemy in the late 1980s and early 1990s (presumably Parsley's most recent contact with black and/or youth culture). Despite wide circulation due to bulk purchases by organizations such Focus On The Family and Parsley's own Center For Moral Clarity, the book is widely regarded as a failure. Reasons may include Parsley's controversial views on issues ranging from abortion and birth control to his particular (some would say peculiar) brand of Christianity as well as his views on the role of women in the family and in society at large. Others point out that the text suffers from much more basic problems relating to Parsley's seemingly poor understandings of gross anatomy, puberty, sexual reproduction, ad infinitum.

Chapter Summaries

The book is divided into ten separate chapters. The first seven are intended as moral and sexual instruction, primarily for boys between the ages of ten and eighteen, while the final three chapters were written to advise parents and youth pastors on how to handle problems believed by Parsley to be faced by boys as they enter pubescence and on into adulthood. The chapters are as follows:

• 1. Towards A Christian Tomorrow: Your Erection And What God Wants You To Do With It - Despite the rather sensationalistic title, this chapter merely serves as an introduction to the work, with particular attention paid to what Parsley believes is the "Christian duty" of males to marry and produce children. Parsley contends that this will lead inevitably to world populated entirely by Christians and to the eventual return of Christ to Earth. The chapter ends with a haunting vision of Parsley's rather fatalistic worldview, much of which could be upsetting to the book's target audience.

• 2. Snips and Snails and Happy Trails: Hair Down There And Everywhere - This chapter should have been a fairly straightforward explanation of the changes a boy's body will undergo during puberty. Unfortunately, Parsley uses this chapter to expound long-discredited racial theories as well as his own bizarre obsession with body hair and how it relates (in his mind) to ethnicity. It is here we are exposed to a crude drawing of a naked man labeled by Parsley as "Dago Pete".

• 3. And Boom Goes The Dynamite: You And Me And That's Not Pee - As the chapter title is a crude reference to the male orgasm and ejaculation, Parsley now gives us his take on the anatomical and physiological changes undergone by pubescent males. To his credit, Parsley takes great pains in avoid slang terms for body parts and bodily functions, with the inexplicable and glaring exception of referring to semen as "cock barf". Parsley also spends an inordinate amount of time discussing nocturnal emissions (or so-called "wet dreams"), something that is all the more surprising given his utter lack of understanding of what causes them and how they happen. Indeed, Parsley believes that nocturnal emissions are the result of what he calls a "botched succubus attack" or "bsa". This is when a succubus, having attacked a young male as he sleeps, is somehow interrupted during the process of semen collection, thus leaving a tell-tale stain of semen (i.e. "cock barf") on the boy's bedsheets.

• 4. Sugar And Spice Doesn't Always Smell Nice: Girls, Their Parts, And The Curse Of Menstruation - By far the shortest chapter in the book, no doubt a result of Parsley's limited understanding of female anatomy and physiology, this chapter is meant by Parsley to provide his young readers with enough of an understanding of how the female body works to enable them to impregnate the woman chosen by God to be their mate (within the confines of marriage, of course). Despite the chapter's brevity, Parsley writes on a bewildering variety of topics concerning women and their bodies, though some, such as the clitoris and the female orgasm, are conspicuous by their absence.

• 5. Getting Some Strange Parsley Style: The Marriage Bed And What Not To Do In It - Though Parsley maintains that a healthy and enjoyable sex life is a key to a long and productive marriage, this chapter is largely devoted to those things that couples should not be doing as part of their sexual relationship, though it starts out by telling the reader which two sexual positions are permissible: the missionary position and some variation of the piledriver that Parsley refers to as "bringing in the sheaves". Sex acts that are proscribed by Parsley include anal sex (referred to throughout as "that most foul abomination, sodomy"), sex with a pregnant woman, sex with a menstruating woman, oral sex (with a dispensation granted for fellatio during a woman's period or pregnancy), mutual masturbation, and sex while your dog is watching you.

• 6. Life And The Little Death: Forging Soldiers For Christ - Though the title would seem to be referring to "la petite mort", a French euphemism for orgasm, the chapter itself confirms the readers' intuition that such a reference would be beyond Parsley's reckoning. Indeed, the bulk of the chapter is filled with Parsley's notions on fertility and pregnancy, with particular attention paid to methods Parsley believes will produce male children (with sometimes graphic illustrations accompanying the text). The rest of the chapter is concerned with what Parsley refers to as the "little death", namely the needless and wanton destruction of potential human life by birth control advocates and condom manufacturers, the latter Parsley singles out for particularly venomous attacks, noting that he alone can "hear the muffled screams of untold millions of unborn as they die horribly in their latex tombs".

• 7. The Real Holocaust: Millions Of Dead Babies Can't Be Wrong - Blatant Holocaust denial aside, this chapter consists of fairly standard "pro-life" criticisms of abortion and the abortion rights movement. Much of the chapter, in fact, consists of graphic descriptions of abortion procedures accompanied by disturbing drawings of late-term abortions being performed. Included are several photographs of fetuses with cross hairs crudely drawn over them. The chapter ends with Parsley returning to his anti-condom rant from the previous chapter, but this time adding that condoms would rob sex of much of it's pleasure (though so, too, would Parsley).

• 8. The Love That Makes Jesus Cry: Gays And The Destruction Of Civilization - A vulgar and intellectually dishonest anti-gay diatribe, this chapter nevertheless allows Parsley, for the first time, to really be in his element. His lifetime of gay-baiting, misinforming, and outright lying on such matters pays off, in a perverse sense, as Parsley's prose flows smoothly for the first time. Despite this, one sometimes gets the sense of an editor's moderating touch on many passages in the chapter, though a few too many terms such as "pillow-biter" and "AIDS ridden" have eluded the censor's eye. It must also be mentioned that every study mentioned and every statistic cited as "proof" of the threat posed by homosexuality is absolutely false. Indeed, a 2005 Pew Research Center study found that Parsley himself spends up to 80% of his waking hours thinking about penises.

• 9. Hairy Palms And Stinky Fingers: The Black Plague Of Self-Abuse - In an homage of sorts to late-nineteenth and early-twentieth century "hygiene" manuals, this chapter aims to lay all of the evils of society on the doorstep of masturbation (at least those that can't be blamed on homosexuals, that is). We are told that 79% of patients in mental hospitals are chronic masturbators and that masturbation is the leading cause of non-congenital blindness in adults. Here, too, we find echoes of Parsley's earlier criticisms of condom use, only this time he laments all of the potential human lives (sperm) consigned by the polluting vice of masturbation to die slow deaths in tube socks or wadded up Kleenex.

• 10. What's That Dog Doing To That Woman?: Your Child, The Internet, And Pornography - In this final chapter, Parsley confronts parents with some of the new realities faced by children growing up in the Internet Age. As the salacious title of the chapter would suggest (with it's none-too-veiled reference to zoophilia), Parsley has admittedly given a lot of thought to pornography and it's effects on impressionable children. With unfortunate consistency, however, Parsley's analysis fails to match his lasciviousness, though one cannot help but be impressed by the amount of pornography Parsley must have viewed in so thoroughly researching the subject. This gives rise to the obvious question: if pornography is as dangerous as you contend, what is the value of explaining such things as gangbangs, bukkake, tea-bagging, gloryholes, creampies, et cetera? By doing so, do you not risk enticing more people into pornography's diabolical snare? No answers from Parsley were forthcoming, no matter how loudly I yelled at the book.