User:Loquacious T/Lord Voldemort
| Tom Marvolo Riddle von Voldemort, 2nd Viscount of Mordor, The Lord Voldemort | |
|---|---|
| Harry Potter character | |
 Lord Voldemort in happier times. Notice the lack of nose. | |
| Born | 31st October 1666, a Grimsby brothel |
| Died | 1st April 2011, Mount Doom |
| Gender | Male (we think) |
| House | Slytherin |
| Wand size | 4" |
| Affiliation | Mordor, Death Eaters, Evil, Conservatives |
| Portrayed by | Vladimir Putin; himself (in Harry Potter and the Ignominious Homunculus) |
Lord Voldemort, 2nd Viscount of Mordor (31st October 1666 - 1st April 2011) was a famous wizard, and later a member of the House of Lords under Margaret Thatcher. His controversially successful political career as the Minister of Defence and as an MP for his hometown of Grimsby was overshadowed by accusations of corruption, and these accusations would plague Lord Voldemort for the rest of his life, until he was assassinated.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Lord Voldemort was born as Tom Marvolo Riddle in 1666 to Tom Riddle Sr. and Meryl Streep; as a child, his parents abandoned him - his mother became a famous Hollywood movie star, and his father became Batman's arch-nemesis #17, the Riddler. As a result, young Tom was frequently sent away by his busy parents to live in Grimsby, an obscure shanty town in the country of Mordor, with his uncle Viscount Victor Vasiliev Vladimirovich von Voldemort. This is probably because Tom was such an ugly cunt. He was so ugly that the other children would regularly give him sweets to make him feel better; when this stopped, Tom would go round to the others' houses and demand the confectionery. Given his ghastly appearance, the children naturally complied. And so began the traditions of Halloween and comfort food. And so Tom lived until his 11th birthday. Then he received a letter from Hogwarts, thus starting him on his path to becoming a wizard, and destroying whatever sort of life he had. (It is a well known fact that wizards, along with nerds, chavs, and the deceased, have no lives).
Hogwarts[edit | edit source]
Tom spent most of his childhood doing what most young boys did: going to school, hanging out with friends, chatting up girls, having sex, taking drugs, joining gangs, murdering other youths in dark alleyways, and tending gardens with the old lady who lives down the road. This all changed when he went to the totalitarian utopia that is Hogwarts. Tom had several gruesome encounters in the boys' changing room, but despite the regular abuse he suffered, he managed to survive the humiliating homoerotica due to having had one true friend in the form of Elton John. Tom was eventually selected as Captain for the Hogwarts Quidditch team, but he declined because, in his words "All those nights I spent in the boys' dormitory have left me with a red ring". He eventually replaced his XBox in the January sales. Tom left Hogwarts with no GCSEs, and looked set for a life on the dole. This was not to be, however...
Scrounger era[edit | edit source]
... because Tom was the son of a rich man, and therefore didn't qualify for benefits. Un-fucking-lucky. Tom decided to live on the streets, where he first learnt of the secret art of making Whorecruxes. Testing out his abilities, Tom brutally raped another hobo, and used his semen to create a Whorecrux. Having finally lost his virginity, Tom assumed the title of Lord Voldemort, and began his rise to power. Nobody knows what happened to Uncle Victor...
Whorecruxes[edit | edit source]
Voldemort mastered the art of creating Whorecruxes throughout his lifetime. A Whorecrux is a magical artifact that can be used to contain a part of one's fertility and libido. So long as a person has one existing Whorecrux, they are protected against the effects of castration and erectile dysfunction. However, to create a Whorecrux requires the ultimate sexual act to be committed; namely, full-on sex. There is a catch, however. Each Whorecrux must be created using a different sexual partner (your hand does not count, or else you'd have a Whorecrux). It is rumoured that Jenna Jameson has 716 Whorecruxes, but only 28 have been found and identified. Lord Voldemort himself chose the potent number of 69 Whorecruxes.
Politician[edit | edit source]
Conservative MP (1776-1939)[edit | edit source]
Lord Voldemort started his political career in the Conservative party, and stood for election as MP for Grimsby, winning by a landslide after his rival, Lord Lucan, mysteriously disappeared. After this, he rose up the ranks, becoming the Defence Secretary, the Minister for Magic, the Home Secretary, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the Deputy Deputy Prime Minister. Despite his elevated position in Government, Voldemort and the then-Prime Minister, David Cameron, had several disagreements, mostly stemming from Voldemort's disapproval of Cameron's elitist dogma - Cameron's policies seemed to benefit the upper socioeconomic classes, while Voldemort was an advocate of equality for all. These differences would cause tension between Cameron and Voldemort, which culminated when Voldemort resigned his posts and left the party after a particularly violent catfight argument in which Voldemort lost his nose. He would later start his own party, the Death Eater party.
Death Eater Party, Prime Minister (1941-present)[edit | edit source]
Voldemort started the Death Eater party in direct opposition to David Cameron's elitist government. In his words "Cameron has led this country to death. We will destroy the death!". However due to a translation error, the intended name of "Death Destroyers" became "Death Eaters" instead, which acquired negative white supremacist connotations. Despite the bad reputation his party garnered, they had great success in the elections, with the party's leader Voldemort eventually becoming Prime Minister after defeating David Cameron and Nick Clegg in the 2027 general election. In his short tenure as Prime Minister, Lord Voldemort was the 47th most powerful world leader, only slightly less powerful than the 46th most powerful, Burkina Faso. His most significant action as Prime Minister (and in fact, the only thing he promised in his manifesto that he actually did) was to lead the rest of Britain in a war against the town of Bradford. After losing this war, Voldemort and his Death Eater party were deposed by the Neo-Nazi dictator, Heinrich von Pötzler (better known as Harry Potter). Voldemort exiled himself from the country after fears that he could be assassinated, after a botched attempt on his life nearly resulted in Voldemort getting a "van Gogh". It later emerged that he had abused the expenses system by using expenses to cover the cost of travel between his Grimsby home and his London bedsit, as well as the cost of renting said bedsit and, most shockingly, arranging childcare, since Voldemort was a single father. MPs such as Elliott Morley and David Chaytor criticised Voldemort for what they called his "lascivious and extravagant" use of expenses.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Voldemort spent most of his remaining years as a children's entertainer. He worked as the mascot for McDonald's, which soon after Potter's takeover became McPotter's, later to be renamed McRonald's, after Potter's gay partner Ron Jeremy Weasley who died of complications from man flu. Voldemort later had his own children's TV show, Murdering Muggles and Mudbloods, which ran for a total of two and a half series, and three Christmas specials. Voldemort was rumoured to have died on 1st April 2011, but most people took this as a joke, especially as all links that appeared to link to news of his death caused computers to display a blue screen of death while playing Rick Astley. It was only four years later, when Frodo Baggins returned on 25th April 2015, that Voldemort's demise at Mount Doom was confirmed. Lord Voldemort had died in his homeland of Mordor, at the young age of just 344.