Grimsby
THE BEST NAME IN THE WORLD'Great Grimsby, misleading name right? It is also known as "It might never be Dull in Hull, but it's always fucking Grim in Grimsby" and is an established sea port, located on the coast of North East Linconshite, England. Rumour has it that the town was founded by the Grim Reaper in the early 9th century, reportedly accustomed as a place where crime was encouraged and rewarded. To this day, the town has pretty much the same customs. With a population of 223 people, Grimsby is generally regarded as one of the most populated places in the region, and even the country. In the year 2008 census, it was ranked as the 56th most populated town in England. So you don't have to visit it to see how terrible it is, the name says it all!
Grimsby is also linked with its very unfortunate neighboring village, Cleethorpes. This linking caused the government to establish Cleethorpes as a part of Grimsby, increasing the population in 2004 from 223 to 281. This enhanced Grimsby's position as one the most populated towns in the country.
History[edit | edit source]
In the year 945 A.D, Death (Or the Grim Reaper) was leaving an old shack in the Lincolnshire marshes after killing an elderly couple. Whilst wading through the festering swamps, he noted an area of higher land. Upon climbing it he discovered the area was reasonably flat and saw an opportunity for building a town. Over the next 50 years, Death did this, and made the town we all know and
hate love as Grimsby. Being a modest chap, he named it after himself. Unfortunately, within the first few years of establishing his putative town, no people moved there due to their apprehension towards the Grim Reaper leading a town. Eventually, however, people settled there when he put adverts in the local newspaper claiming that there would be no rules under his authority. By the 11th century, the town's population had risen to 210,547 people, all of them fathered by the Grim Reaper.
Vikings and Chavs[edit | edit source]
In the late 11th century, England was thrown into chaos when the Vikings and Chavs invaded. Due to Grimsby's position on the coast, it was noticed immediately by the sailors on the longboats and targeted for attack. The Vikings and Chavs landed on the shore, marched straight into the marshy town and talked to Death face-to-face.
Death, startled and frightened by the mysterious invaders, fled the town and went into hiding. Vikings then took over Grimsby, leaving Grimsby to be a complete shit hole, and smelling of fish (apart from when the petro-chemical plant explodes).
In the late 970s, porn stars arrived in the town. These Nordic sexual conquestians spread their love like wildfire and left with new diseases to take back to their homeland. The local women, being easier than a This Morning competition question, abandoned the consequential offspring of their invasion. And so, with great ease and little education, the Chav population began to take hold.
Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
Eventually the Vikings were driven out of England, and hence they were also driven out of Grimsby. The country began to stabilize and this offered a chance for Grimsby to expand. So far, its entire population of 200,000 people were living in an incredibly small area, forced into poverty. Despite the fact no one paid for anything and the fact that there was no rules, people were starting to wish there was.
In 1569 salvation came. A small group of residents established a dock on the coast and began a small fishing company. By selling the fish they caught they made enough money to buy better materials and land, and therefore saved the town. In just 20 years Grimsby soon became the largest town in the county, and poverty was extinguished. The town learned a vital lesson for the future: Easy money can be made on the docks. The men of the town soon gave up fishing and moved into the more lucrative trade of drug smuggling. The women of the town were also happy to make money of their own on the docks, although their trade in crabs was of a different sort of crab to their husbands'.
1900-Present[edit | edit source]
The town continued to grow and expand after the establishment of the fishing industry, and became infamous famous for its completely different customs compared to the rest of England. A striking example of one of the town's many quaint customs which survives to this day is the reluctance of its fatter female population to wear anything but the skimpiest clothes. In Grimsby, after so many centuries of poverty, a woman's display of her overly-fleshy thighs and torso is still regarded as a sign of wealth and fertility, rather than a reliance on eating cheap frozen ready meals and scoffing too many crisps.
In 1917, Russia went through a revolution, and afterwards became a communist country. Due to the striking similarities between Grimsby's rules and those of Russia, Grimsby was officially declared communist by its town council in 1931 and accepted shortly afterwards an invitation to join the Soviet Union. This seriously hampered the town's popularity throughout the rest of England, although increased the popularity of the town's many whores with Soviet sailors and increased the town's prosperity by a staggering amount. One famous prostitute of Grimsby renown, the legendary 'Vinegar Tits Betsy' single handedly increased the town's tax revenues by 148% in one year. To this day, Betsy remains a role model to legions of Grimbsy's teenage girls. In 1932 the British government created an 18 mile perimeter 'no-go zone' centred on Grimsby's town centre to cut off the town from the rest of England. England shrugged its shoulders and went on not visiting and generally ignoring Grimsby as it always had, much to native Grimbarians' fury.
In World War 2, Grimsby came under great threat of being bombed by the Nazis, however they were lucky because the Luftwaffe pilots claimed that the town looked as if it had already been bombed. Because of this easy mistake, Grimsby avoided bombing throughout the entire war. The few buildings which were left standing were razed by the town council in the 1960s, and the town was remodeled on Soviet principles. New suburbs were thus established, espescially on the gulag model, with Nunsthorpe being particularly noteworthy as the only one to house leading Soviet dissident Alexander Solzhenitsyn.
After the war, the cold war began. Grimsby, as part of the USSR, was the only part of England to support the East, and became an outcast throughout the country. The most significant event of The Cold War in Grimsby happened in 1962, when the Russians started secretly (to the rest of England but the general joy of the town) began building nuclear silos in the town. They were discovered by an American spy satellite doing this, and Britain was informed at once. Britain threatened to fine Russia £100 if they continued to produce the silos (not because £100 was a lot of money in those days, but rather because Russia was so poor it £100 was enough to destabilise its currency). Despite this threat, Russia continued to ship nuclear weapons to Grimsby. So the Americans stepped in as they usually do and threatened to destroy the next Russian ship which came anywhere near Grimsby. Russia backed down. This event is known as "The Grimsby Missile Crisis." In 1995 the fishing stocks lowered. Because of this, the residents of Grimsby couldn't afford new exports from different parts of England. Fearing another decline into poverty, the town revolted against the communist leaders, and overthrew them. This was the end of communism in Grimsby.
In the year 2000 a town council was established in Grimsby. This council began to adopt the traditions of other towns in the country, but had difficulty doing so because the residents had grown so use to the no rules and no currency idea.
Places of Interest and Landmarks[edit | edit source]
The Nunny - A place where most chavs live. If you walk around this place, you are bound to get stabbed by a passing chav with a screwdriver or broken glass bottle.
Look out for the fascinating 'not spelt very well' graffiti scrawled onto a wall of the garage opposite the swimin' baffs - 'welcome to the brox' - a classic!
NOTE: Do not visit during Father's Day - this is a very confusing time for most of the residents.
The Grange - An amazing place to visit, its currently labled Baghdad 2.
Fish and Chick - Great for food poisoning.
The Dock Tower - Or 'Gandalf's tower', built primarily out of jealousy because of Saruman's beautiful residence in Isengard.
Freeman Street Market - The source of the Black Death in the UK. People of the Freeman Clan are permited to drive their sheep up this street, mainly because their cars were stolen. Also the current black market for selling Russian nuclear weapons that were left since the American intervention.
Freshney Place Shopping Centre - The original stage of Dawn of The Dead (both original and remake). Also no acting required from local residents.
Grimsby Docks - Unofficially known as area 51.
That shitty bar on the waterfont - You know, like that one in The Perfect Storm but without George Clooney in it. In the bar Grimsby's one salty sea dog who is still making a profit from fishing (about 3 shrimp every 4th Tuesday) tells lots of salty sea tales whilst eating some salty crisps. Nobody really believes any of his tales about doing battle with giant robotic squid people and the one where he discovered a new land, which later turned out to be Norway. This is because he has a crippling addiction to Ribena . . . mixed with meths and a healthy dose of Tesco own brand whiksy.
Normal People - A normal person has not been seen in Grimsby in over 50 years.
Please note: Any sign with the words 'welcome to' in front of the place name are in fact Cops with Cameras stage sets. Please keep your valuables out of sight at all times.
Education[edit | edit source]
Unlike the UK, attendance at school is not compulsory and is in fact discouraged. Pupils who attend school are routinely pictured and ridiculed in the local newspaper, the Grimsby Evening Turd. This is done to ensure that Grimsby schools always come bottom in the national league tables for exam results as a wooden spoon is an award of a kind thus allowing the local authority to claim they have award-winning schools.
The schools are also unfair. If you join a school football team they make sure you dont play, even if you are good.
Curriculum[edit | edit source]
Considering crime is the only job which requires an education in Grimsby, it is the only thing taught to children at school. The basic curriculum for Grimsby's school looks something like this:
Petty Crime School: At the age of 16 all children are forced by law to go to Petty Crime School, where they learn the basics of crime. At the age of 20, after 4 years, students leave Petty Crime School, and then have to go to Organized Crime School.
Organized Crime School: At Organized Crime School students learn how to plan crimes and edge onto advanced level felonies. After another 4 years, students leave Organized Crime School, and then have the choice of getting a job or going onto Advanced Crime College
Advanced Crime College: Students who do well enough at Organized Crime School often go to Advanced Crime School, where they are taught the fundamentals of crime and learn how to lead crime organizations.
Petty Crime School[edit | edit source]
During the four year course, students learn how to mug people, rob the local store, pickpocket, backhand people, shoot air rifles and get away from the police on foot.
Organized Crime School[edit | edit source]
When students go to Organized Crime School they learn the basics of been a part time criminal . Whilst there they learn how to pickpocket on advanced level, rob banks, how to fire pistols, how to set explosives and how to execute people. The vital skills learned provide students with jobs such as associates to the local gangs in Grimsby. Although without passing the written exam which follows the lessons students cannot get jobs any higher than associates. Most crime organizations in Grimsby require that workers completed there crime test paper with a level from A-C to reach at least the rank of soldier.
A local man with blonde hair and glasses who wears jeans and a black hoodie usually stabs innocent little girls with a piece of shrapnel stuck to his penis. He is often seen with another local man, standing by with their getaway vehicle usually a bright orange bicycle stolen from an old woman.
Advanced Crime College/ Grimsby (Mental) Institute[edit | edit source]
If students do well enough in Organized Crime School, they have the option to go to Advanced Crime College. Here students learn the skills needed to become important members of gangs, perhaps even bosses. The college requires that students passed there crime test in Organized Crime School before they let them in.
Notable Connections to Grimsby[edit | edit source]
- Jack The Ripper is rumored to have grown up in Grimsby, despite the fact that no one knew who he was.
- Death was the founder of Grimsby.
- Pollution is known to be Grimsby's biggest export.
- Jimmy Saville, known as the oldest chav in England, grew up in Grimsby.
- The Anti-Christ was born in Grimsby in the year 1993
- Eddie (Iron Maiden) is known to be an ex-Member of Parliament for Grimsby and was notably the best dressed and mannered.
- Satan, arguably the best Grimbarian except Ryan Giggs
- Ryan Giggs arguably the best Grimbarian ever conceived excluding possibly Satan. Many believed his super-injunction was to protect his cock from being caught where it shouldn't be; in fact he just didn't want the world to know he came from Grimsby.
- Fish Fingers, one of the most popular porno movies ever, was filmed in Grimsby.
- Tourist gnomes have been spotted vacationing in various local beauty spots dotted around the town of Grim and getting pissed up and starting fights in local kebab houses - possibly war veterans of the great gnome wars of Botswana
- Adolf Hitler was once seen scouting the area out for potential invasion, but after seeing what it had to offer, he decided Suicide was the better option instead.
Sport[edit | edit source]
Grimsby's most famous sport is pit fighting, which involves two people thrown into a pit and forced to kill each other. The sport is a local thing though, because it is the only place the sport is played and watched in the world. Grimsby also enjoy football. Grimsby Town F.C currently play in the Coca Cola Football League Two. The team has come close to been promoted several times in the past ten years, until the fans woke up and realised they were dreaming. The team is currently in 24th place with 0 points, 3/4 of the way into the season.
We Piss On Your Fish[edit | edit source]
It is customary for everybody in the town to piss on fish due to go to other areas as it leaves the docks, particularly fish destined for Yorkshire and Scunthorpe. The silly cunts who live there just assume it's been salted to aid its preservation. The locals consider this a local delicacy, and is the only thing that prevents Grimsby from being removed off the face of the earth by angry Russians.