User:Frosty/Chess

You're already yawning, aren't you?

Chess is a two player strategy game played by millions of nerds, Russians and alcoholics worldwide. While used by millions of edgelords world wide to draw up metaphors of an impeding race war.

Amongst chess beginners and so called casuals chess is a mildly mentally stimulating means of spending 40 minutes. After which they might brag about their wild and exciting have to an expert (also called a Grandmaster) who labels every move as double question mark and follows up by crying in the foetal position. Games among strong Grandmasters on the other hand can last for anything up to six hours with game play so boringly safe and riskfree it perfectly mimics their real world habits of never asking women out to dinner to avoid the risk of rejection. After the audience falls asleep, both sides find themselves locked in a stalemate where neither side can advance without the other side allowing it. For this reason, chess is occasionally called World War I simulator.

Gameplay

Chess is played on an 8x8 gridded board with two sides (black and white), each having a 16 piece army comprised of: 1 king, 1 queen, 2 bishops, 2 knights, 2 rooks and 8 pawns.

Most chess games involve two players sitting down at a table and alternating moves of their pieces, with white going first in order to agree to a draw. The most common means of achieving this is the famous 1.e4 e5 2.Nf3 Nc6 3.Bc5 Nf6 Opening (also called the Berlin defence or 3 move stalemate). At which both sides shake hands, split the prize money and drive home confused about why they wasted their day.

Very cccasionally, when the players aren't total bores, a different game is played where both sides are trying to use all of their pieces in order to capture the enemy king.

History

The earliest recorded example of chess using the modern rules dates back to 1475, detailed in the love poem Scachs d'amor written by the noblemen Francesc de Castellví, Bernat Fenollar, and Narcís de Vinyoles. The poem was designed as a discussion of love in an attempt to court their love interests, using the chess board is some kind of grand metaphor for "capturing her heart". Unsurprisingly, all three men died virgins.

Chess was played virtually unchanged in this form for the next 525 years. Over the centuries, the rise of many prominant chess players from all over the world saw the game gain public traction and love to a degree far higher than a game which is essentially physical Dungeons & Dragons ever should. Examples of this could be seen when top masters in the 19th and 20th centuries would play 10 members of the public at once, blindfolded in one of the era's numerous examples of exploiting freaks for entertainment valu. Or when Soviet newspapers would publish chess puzzles to fill the vacent space left when they realized Garfield comic strips hadn't been created yet.

However, chess was totally revolutionized in the year 2000 into the game we see today after the World Championship match of Garry Kasparov vs. Vladimir Kramnik, where now both sides are striving to draw the game. Not content with actually winning, Kramnik employed the strategy of playing the same first 30 moves every game and once the unsuspecting Gasparov had fallen asleep from boredom, tamper with his opponents clock to win on time. 15 games, 2 wins, 13 draws; Kramnik had successfully changed chess from an intellectually charged board game into an over glorified version of naughts and crosses. To this day, every game between top players in the world involves this technique of winning by out boring your opponent.

Endgame

Chess endgame, 99% of the time, is broadly defined under two categories:

• Heavily biased positions where one side has a full set of pieces against a lone enemy king, eventually the superior side will accidently place the inferior side in stalemate, forcing a draw. Confusion and crying ensues.
• Totally boring and equal positions where the two kings chase each other around the board like rabbits on heat, 6 hours later the position hasn't changed at all and they agree to a draw. Confusion and crying ensues.

Very occasionally, positions are reached where a win can be forced by checkmate being cunningly delivered after a well thought out attack, or simplifying the pieces on the board through trades. However, most wins come about when one side forgets to manage their time well and their flag falls. Confusion and crying ensues.

Notable chess champions

Mikhail Tal

Famous not just for his wild, crazy and impossible to decipher playing technique, Mikhail Tal is widely praising for giving zero fucks and being the exact opposite of your chess club nerd in every way conceivable. Whilst being an alcoholic, chain smoker, womanizer and morphine addict would severely inhibit just about any human being from achieving anything what so ever, Tal determined that he just had to be these things in order to give his opponents a chance. With zero regard for his own health and being a consistent source of embarressment for the Soviet authorities when his antics landed him in hot water abroad, it is a total mystery how he managed to play chess, never mind live past the age of 60. Mikhail Tal is regarded as the worlds most daring IRL troll, possessing the balls to test even the KGB.